my 13 yr old has a bf and I told her we don't approve

Candice - posted on 01/03/2014 ( 8 moms have responded )

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My daughter is very close to be and usually honest. If she is keeping a secret she usually tells on herself later on. She told me that she has a bf but he's 14. I don't allow her to go out much without supervision bc of the area we live in is not that safe. She believes we are over protective of her. My husband and I had her as teenagers and we are petrified of history repeating itself. Although me and my husband had A LOT more freedom at her age. I trust her I just don't trust the world. Anyway we allowed her to take her kid sister outside to play in the snow for about 2hrs. When they came home our 4yr old told on her telling us she was with that boy playing in the snow. I think she must have called him and told the boy to come out bc she had some time to see him. But I feel it was sneaky bc my youngest told me and I don't think she was going to tell me bc she knows I'm not ready for the headache. Ive read their texts and one time she accidentally sent me a message she intended to send him. They tell each other they love each other and told her that he's going to ride out this tough time she's having with not being able to see him. It seems as they carry a relationship via text bc they don't even go to the same school. They meet at a school they both transferred from. I just feel all teen boys eventually want sex and I don't want that . Shes a very good smart girl she just has this stupid bf. What can I do ? Do I take away her cell ? Do I punish her? Are we being to hard on her ? HELP! I don't want this to ruin our relationship which is pretty much awesome . We are friends but at the end of the day I'm a responsible mother and that's that.

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Jade - posted on 01/04/2014

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don't take her phone away don't punish her that will end her respect and relationship with you. Just ask to have the boy and his parents over for dinner and make sure you get their cell phone numbers and the boy friends number as well. Just so you can be at peace of mind with her being safe and for her to be happy, Because if you band the relationship she will do much worse and be more resistant

Stephanie - posted on 01/04/2014

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I totally agree with angela im only 20 and definitely remember what it's like to be a 13 year old girl I just started liking boys if my mom wouldn't let me see my new bf I would sneak around and see him anyways so my mom let him come over under her supervision and I always told her everything it worked out fine that way

Jodi - posted on 01/03/2014

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Well, have faith that you have taught her well. I would discuss with her about the sneaking around - that is not ok. Let her know that lying to you will get her nowhere, and that there will be consequences for that (I would suggest that removing the phone would be appropriate if this is the way in which she is sneaking behind your back).

Jodi - posted on 01/03/2014

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You don't have to tell her you approve. What you do is have the discussion about their behaviour together. Discuss sex. Have an open and honest discussion about there IS no 100% effective birth control, and how you don't want her to make the same mistakes you made when you were young. And tell her why. Tell her that she should never give in to pressure from a boy to have sex. Sex does not equal love. A boy who loves her will wait until she is old enough and mature enough. Talk about relationships, and the hard work that they are. Teach her to know her own body and have the self esteem to say no.

Instead of using the term "approve", maybe let her know you are okay with them having a friendship, but that you would like to see them be friends before she can call him a boyfriend. Tell her you will reserve any judgement until you meet him and get to know him.

It is pretty commonplace for girls her age to have a boyfriend, but it doesn't mean there is anything much actually going on. Heck, I am in my 40s, and even I remember having a boyfriend at that age. We didn't even kiss!!! I know some kids that age now who are in a relationship but haven't even kissed. You can't win this battle, so instead, use strategies to minimise the damage.

Angela - posted on 01/03/2014

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Well, you can't keep her purity in your pocket! If you're limiting her time out in the community away from you, then she will devise ways of seeing him nevertheless. She's evidently not too smart if she's keeping texts instead of erasing them! She obviously wants to hang on to the messages he sends!

If you take the phone away, what's to stop her using a friend's phone to contact him?

I would suggest inviting him to tea. Let her have contact with him under your supervision - at least they'll get to see one another and maybe they'll be less likely to be deceitful!

As for "all teenage boys eventually want sex" you're speaking as though teenage girls don't have a libido of their own!!

You'd be better off raising her self-esteem so she can be confident and assertive. She's not going to end her days with this youthful lover! But if you object to him, belittle him etc .... she will hang on like grim death - even when she's sick of him - rather than concede to what you've been saying all along.

Good luck!

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Candice - posted on 01/03/2014

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Yes the lying has me a upset a lot . Shes not allowed to use her cell phone for that that. Thank you you have helped a lot I really mean it :)

Candice - posted on 01/03/2014

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We've had the talks. I'm very open and gave her the talk during the time her menstral came. Her self esteem is great thank god she loves herself and feels beautiful inside and out. Shes gorgeous and most of the boys like her a lot so she's constantly being asked out. I just felt I wasn't ready for this lol naive ol me right. I guess its not just the boy its how the generation of today is. 11 and 12 yr olds twerking on youtube and dancing like strippers with clothes on and stuff. I guess I just worry about giving her an inch and her going wild and crazy and coming out pregnant by 16 &17 like my husband and I did. But most likely we should not compare her to us back then. Shes a good kid.

Candice - posted on 01/03/2014

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I really appreciate your honesty. You know its crazy that at times I forget myself what its like to be a teenager. I just feel that I did it all the wrong way that I just get worried about her. Do I just tell her I approve even if I don't? Will we look like good parents allowing this ? I'm just very confused.

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