My 14 year old continuously lies and has had sex multiple times w/ BF

Helpless - posted on 11/10/2015 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I really don't know where to start, I take a lot of pride is raising my 2 girls age 14 and 10. I never got half of what they have. We are not rich or even well off- we are average working joes. So everything I give them I've worked my butt off for. My husband and I have been together for 16 years. When my eldest told us about having a BF, oh wait when I found out and pried it out of her - my husband was against it, but I said if we tell her no she will sneak, well we met him and his parents and became friends, long story short, after 9 months my husband comes home from work and finds her there with him just after they had sex!!! I get he call at work and just freeze - I didn't know how to handle it. We screamed hit and forbid her from seeing him. We also took all electronic away from her for the whole summer and well into the beginning of her high school freshman year. They did not speak, however I allowed her to write letters to keep in touch, I guess I felt bad because I thought the actually loves each other- slap me in the head - they are 14!!! Anyways as she began building trust and continue to get good grades I decided to let go of a little slack, Friday I gave her my iPhone - she'd been waiting this for a while- it benefited me too because I have better control of apps on the phone. I hate texting apps no ability to monitor!!!! Ugh!! Well the day I give her the phone and explain this a big step and it's a sign of trust. She goes on Snapchat which is an app that has very little monitoring for us parents messages her friend plotting to get a ride from her friend to take her to the so called boyfriend's house at midnight. I could not believe what I was reading it has been less than two hours since I gave her the phone explained the trust issues and she took the little trust she had been completely threw it out the window. So of course I go through her phone and find that she had not only been with her boyfriend the two times that she is clean but multiple times at my house outside my house at his uncles house which I don't even remember allowing her to go to strangers house because I am so strict when it comes to letting my kids go to somebody's house and I do not now . I look at her and I don't even know who I'm looking up it's not my little girl it's somebody that a lie to get what she wants. So I confronted her today when we got when I got home from work and she's like what what did I do what did I do I don't understand what did I do I'm like you know what you did all of this is because I did not let her attend her soccer game. But I can't help but feel that she maybe want to be at the soccer game she would try to sneak and go where the heck she wants to go . And only when I confront her and prove to her that I have the information that I have that she had intent to go behind our backs in the middle the night to her boyfriends house and confirmation of the times that she had sex with her boyfriend all she can say is please can I have another chance this time I mean it please why can't you trust me again why are you treating me like a stranger . I'm not treating her like a stranger I'm just treating her like somebody that I can't trust I don't know how else to treat her I explained that I love her unconditionally despite everything she's done but I must be a failure as a mother because of the way she continues to treat me and take advantage of my trust my biggest fear is that my 10-year-old daughter is going to see or hear and I don't want that kind of role model for her . When I took her to the doctor in June when we found out I got the name of A psychologist and a gynecologist but we never move forward because she was trying to win my trust and I am possibly was in denial trying to forget everything then I found out I'm open to any advice from you Mom's that I can get.

Also the only ones that know is myself and my husband I feel like it's a shame to our family's name to inform her grandmother and close friends of the family that I should be able to talk to about stuff like this I've kept it from them hoping to shield myself but I feel like I have nobody to talk to or to bounce ideas off of except my husband.

Feeling like a failure of a mother

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MaryAnn - posted on 11/11/2015

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Gynecologists and psychiatrists are not forms of punishment for people you don't trust. They are medical professionals trained to deal with (in this case) a sexually active teen. If your daughter has had sex, she needs to be tested. If she's sneaking out and doing it, she needs to be on birth control. Because do you know what sucks more than a teenager who doesnt listen? A pregnant teenager who doesn't listen. If you think she has psychiatric issues, take her to a psychiatrist... But a counsellor should do just fine in helping her learn to respect herself and her body.
When you punish her for things like this, you're only teaching her that you see her in a negative light, and providing her greater opportunities to break rules and disrespect herself (and you). Teach her that you love her and care about her and want her to have a bright, healthy future.
Have him over when you can supervise them. Prepare her for when you cant. Because pulling her out of school and quitting your job and moving your bed into her room is not likely a good alternate solution. It also doesnt teach her how to behave once she's old enough to leave the vicegrip.

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Strong - posted on 11/11/2015

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It’s certainly not easy dealing with a sexually active teenager and I’m sorry that you’re hurting. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ve probably been a better mother than you realize -- the love you have for your daughter shows us that. I believe you might find it helpful to seek assistance from a professional counselor. They’d be in the best position to help your family sort things out. I also think you may find these links helpful – http://bit.ly/20NFylc and http://bit.ly/1PDtcag. *Prayers and Hugs*

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