Amie - posted on 01/14/2015 ( 1 mom has responded )
I'm not sure where to turn for help. I feel selfish for a lot of reasons. Angry too. I just started back full time to this really great job after having my hours cut through November and December. Christmas was rather thin. Rent is two months behind, out apartment is sparsely filled with furniture, etc. I went to school for a two year degree and finished in August 2014 for Aviation Maintenance. So times have been tough, even depressing, but I'm always optimistic. I'm always the type to say "everything will be ok, everything always works out". Because they do and they have. So needless to say, things were getting better and I had high hopes. Then three nights ago on January 11, 2015, my daughter downed a bunch of typlenal pm and other over the counter sleeping pills. Thank God she came and told me but it was because all the pills she had taken were taking affect and she became scared. So the stomach pumping didn't occur, which I was hoping for because I wanted her to be barfing up charcoal and get that great experience to hopefully prevent this from happening again. Sorry if that sounds heartless but the reasons she even did this sounded silly to me, at that time anyways. She does have a history of cutting herself too but her last incident has been over 5 months ago. Her reasons for cutting were always based on feeling something. Either she was feeling too much emotional pain and wanted to feel physical pain to get rid of the emotional pain. Or she felt numb emotionally and got scared and wanted to feel anything.
Our small town hospital had to transfer us to a larger hospital because she was tachicardic and she kept throwing up the oral antidote they were trying to give her to keep her liver from being damaged from the high quantity of tylenal. After a couple of days on the iv meds, her labs came back showing no liver damage (thank God again). She was discharged to psychiatric hospital for evaluation. She was deemed not a harm to herself and released to her dad and I. I took her home with me for the night. She was given certain conditions and rules that she absolutely had to go by. Against my better judgment, which I did voice in the meeting with the psych eval saying I wasn't sure I trusted her because she had been given similar conditions in the past and had found ways to get around or go behind my back. I let her talk to the two friends she had declared were a great support system for her. These "friends" were online friends. She has never met them face-to-face. She has only talked to them on the phone. One she is claiming he is her boyfriend but she has only text him on a social media site, never talk on the phone. While letting her talk to these two people, she started texting this third person, who she places all the blame of her overdosing on because she had said lies and hateful things about my daughter to her and behind her back. At this point, she is accepting none of the responsibility of the overdosing of herself. She claims that the reason she did this was because of the teasing and harassment of this third person. I have had my own contact with this third person a day prior to my daughter trying to take her own life. This third person is definitely not a nice person. Very disrespectful and her drunk mom called me and tried to say I called her daughter on the phone and cussed her out. Which never happened. So immediately, I pretty much dismissed the third party and her drunk mom. I was not going to deal with a drunk mom and her disrespecting daughter. (they do not even live in the same state as us.)
I feel I'm kinda getting off track here. I don't know what I am trying to accomplish by writing this. Maybe I am just venting. I'm angry my daughter is not accepting responsibility for this. She says I'm harming her by keeping her from her "friends". After finding out she broke the rules that are imposed on her, I took away her phone, which she was suppose to only be talking to the two support friends. She has already lost access to her computer, tablet, and anything else internet accessible. I asked her if someone else were to say mean and negative things to her again was that going to cause her to attempt to take her life again. She looked at me defiantly and just shrugged her shoulders. I couldn't even believe it. You know, I was relieved when the psych eval determined that she would be aloud to leave with us. Now, I'm not so sure. I have explained to her if she thinks these rules are ridiculous, they would be a lot worse if she was admitted to an inpatient psych unit.
I have had to turn down my new job to one where the hours are more flexible to be able to attend appointments and meetings with my daughter. I am angry and I have to figure out a way to get passed this. I want my daughter strong, I want her safe. I know she is very sick. She says she hears voices in her head saying angry and negative things to her. I feel helpless. I definitely do not like that feeling. I've learned in the past that I can't make my daughter more like myself, she is her own person. I've learned I can't control everything. I feel frustrated. Not even sure what I can do accept get her to her appointments and try to sneak hugs in on her before she pushes me away and yells at me to stop touching her.