My 14 year old son never wants to spend time with me

Kim - posted on 12/31/2012 ( 9 moms have responded )

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I have 12 and 14 year old sons, they are only with me 2 days a week, spending the rest of the week with their dad, his wife and their 4 year old step sister. My 12 year old always happy doing whatever, and spending both nights every week. My 14 year old lets me drop off and pick up from school 2 days a week, and will spend time with me if we go to Macdonalds, go to a movie, or anything that involves going out and spending money, he has spent 3 nights with me in the last year. He claims he is bored at my house and has nothing to do. I call or text him every day, go to as many sporting events as possible and always let him know Im interested in everything he does. On Christmas Day he opened his presents from me, and then asked how long was he staying at my house, and that he was bored. I had bought everything to make his favorite meal, etc. he just wanted to eat some fries and go back to his dads. I feel forced to always do something exciting in order to get him to want to spend time with me, and after Christmas day, I realized how unhappy it was making me feel like I alwasy have to jump through hoops to get his attention. I live on a very limited income, am single, and i cannot offer him a quarter of the things he is accustomed to at his dads house. I have let him know how hurt I was by his actions lately, and have had had no contact with him for days now, my heart is broken and i dont know how to make this right

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Jodi - posted on 12/31/2012

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Oh, and don't take it personally. Seriously, this isn't about you. This is about him being 14.

Jodi - posted on 12/31/2012

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Yeah, he sounds like he is 14. Bored by pretty much everything, self-absorbed, would rather their nose in their electronic gadgets or hang out with their friends than be anywhere near their parents (who are boring).

What sort of things does he spend his time doing at his dad's house? Perhaps a little more insight into how he spends his time there would help. For instance, maybe you could pick up a second hand game machine XBox or Wii), and you and he could hang out and play some games, maybe he enjoys playing basketball, so you and he could go to the courts shoot hoops. Just a few suggestions coming from some of my 15 year old's interests that engage him.

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Denise - posted on 07/13/2015

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I just got the news this morning that my 14 year want to live with his father. My ex and I have two Kids together my only kids. I am remarried and so is their father. he lives 3 hours any and the thought of my boy being away is killing me not to mention that the kids aren't going to be together on a daily basic. They spent the last 6 weeks with their father and I missed them like crazy. There father doesn't pay child support and is on probation I know that my 14 year will be better off being with me but I know how close he is with his father. I know his father love our boy's especially the 14 old. My 7 year old he isn't as close he has ADHD and could be a handful but he will try to keep them both he can. I'm torn I know I can fight he in court because he's on probation but I don't want my 14 year old resenting me.
I'm not sure what to do...

Denise - posted on 07/13/2015

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I just got the news this morning that my 14 year want to live with his father. My ex and I have two Kids together my only kids. I am remarried and so is their father. he lives 3 hours any and the thought of my boy being away is killing me not to mention that the kids aren't going to be together on a daily basic. They spent the last 6 weeks with their father and I missed them like crazy. There father doesn't pay child support and is on probation I know that my 14 year will be better off being with me but I know how close he is with his father. I know his father love our boy's especially the 14 old. My 7 year old he isn't as close he has ADHD and could be a handful but he will try to keep them both he can. I'm torn I know I can fight he in court because he's on probation but I don't want my 14 year old resenting me.
I'm not sure what to do...

Wendy - posted on 02/04/2013

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You are NOT alone. I am literally going through the same thing. I got into an arguement with my 14 year old son this morning. He'd rather be at his dad's, he has all the video game stuff, cable, their own rooms. My 12 year old is more laid back, he's cool with anything, 14 yr old loves me when I spend money on him, and acts like I'm an idiot the rest of the time. As a mother it totally breaks my heart, if he only knew how much it really hurt. From when I'm told, it's a phase, ages 14-16 are miserable. I finally just quit walking on eggshells around him. I figure, I'm in his life, I go to his games, make an effort to be part of his life. A lot of kids don't have their mom's in their life. But he's still not happy.
Keep texting your son at least, let him know you are still there and you love him.Hopefully someday they will figure it out. Good luck.

Ev - posted on 12/31/2012

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He is being 14. But not all kids are like this. I have a son who is 16 and would rather be at my house video games or not. We play games together, we watch movies together and we talk. Yes, we talk!! Coming from a teen that is hard to get sometimes. We talk about his interests and how school is and stuff. But there are ways to go to a movie and not pay for one. Try the local library and see if they have a movie afternoon or something like that. Where I live they do this and play current movies on DVD. Also find out what he does like to do and develop an interest in something you both can do together. My son and I like to go the the Medieval Fair and take photos of the things going on besides enjoying the entertainment of it. He has taken some rather great shots. There is also some libraries that offer a video game place to play games and also have time on the computer. They are not about just books anymore. Does he like to go to museums? Some are free to go and look at things. We just had one open just over a year ago here and we have been to it though it bored my son after while. But he was a great sport and we stayed for half the day. Should have seen the looks on people's faces when we dragged out out sack lunch and they were getting lunch on real plates....it was kinda funny. The point is to find things you can do together that does not have any cost. Once he sees you trying to facilitate his interests he might just come around a bit.

Jodi - posted on 12/31/2012

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Unfortunately, that's kind of what kids this age tend to be like - wanting to be continually entertained. It can be a real drag. Can you have a talk to his dad himself about bringing the xbox over next time? Or maybe check out how much a second hand one might be on ebay or something. I guess my son is easily entertained with sport too - that's his thing, its the on;y subject he gets As in at school, LOL. Another thought, maybe he could bring a friend with him? Does he bring his own music?

I know you feel like you are just a form of entertainment, and he really is being quite selfish, but it is something that comes with the territory. At least when my son gets like this, I can rein him in by telling him that (and I tend to ban his technology for a while so he can have a good think about his behaviour and recognise that these are PRIVILEGES), but I can see that would be difficult for you if he isn't getting encouragement about your relationship from his dad. That's a really tough one :(

Kim - posted on 12/31/2012

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Thanks Jodi, some good suggestions.
I only have a WII he only plays xbox live, I bought him obox game for christmas, had sent his dad message weeks before christmas asking if he could bring his xbox over to my house christmas day so I could see him play his game from me. His dad never responded, I dont think my son gets much encouragement from his dad regarding relationship with me and that doesnt help at all. I also have one bedroom for boys to share and of course they have their own rooms at their dads house, so this doesnt help either. If I would suggest shooting some hoops that would not satisfy him, that would not be exciting enough. Im afraid I have just become a form of entertainment to him, and thats all.

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