My 14yr old ordered an X Rated movie

Wendy - posted on 07/27/2012 ( 16 moms have responded )

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My daughter will be 14 in a few weeks and I just found out that she ordered an X rated movie from On Demand (Cable). I know it was her because it happened while I was at work and it's only the 2 of us in the house. How do I handle this….I know she’s curious and she usually asks me questions about sex and boys, but an X rated film? I want to be stern about this and keep the lines of communications open between us at the same time. Any advice?

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Dove - posted on 07/27/2012

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She did do something worthy of punishment.... NOT the curiosity of sex (that is normal and worth open, honest communication), but the ordering of the movie. She has proven that she can't be trusted to have the freedom to order on demand movies and there is nothing wrong with banning electronics until she proves herself to be trustworthy again. I'd do the same punishment if she had ordered an R rated movie full of violence and zero sex. It's not the interest in sex that is a punishable offense.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/27/2012

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You can also request that the cable company turn off the on demand function to your box. They do it all the time. I believe (depending on company) you can also ask them to specifically block the ppv and adult options from both your on demand options, and regular channel options. They'll still show up in guide, but not be accessible.

I'm with little miss...A very straight up, to the point, (addressing the film) talk is in order. If she's old enough to order one, then she's old enough to deal with an extremely frank and to the point discussion.

Oh, and may I add...television, computer, phone should all be cut off to the child at this point, in my opinion

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/27/2012

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Well, have her pay for the movie herself. I would really sit down with her and have a serious sex talk conversation. Tell her that the x rated movie is not realistic to what sex would be like. That it is real sex they are having, but highly dramatized. Explain to her what real sex is like, and that these movies just are not a good portrayal of what real love and sex is.

Lisa - posted on 07/27/2012

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Please, please, don't punish her for ordering it, though. Shawnn Lively's suggestion "television, computer, phone should all be cut off to the child at this point," is, no offense, ignorant and wrong. I have been through this, and the most important thing is to avoid making her feel that her interest in sex is bad. Open, honest communication is key; curiosity is normal and healthy, and to cut her off as a form of discipline implies that she did something that is worthy of punishment. Then you have the child that may have trouble engaging in normal, healthy sexual relationship, and can give them serious self-esteem issues, as well.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/27/2012

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Lisa, why do you consider me ignorant? The child abused the privilege of having unlimited television, and did so in order to rent an X RATED movie. Not just an R rated, not one with "mature themes", X RATED. At 14, X RATED is not necessary, and, God Forbid this lady lives in an area where CPS could get ahold of this, and WENDY would be the responsible party.

Sorry, but...I disagree. If you do NOT show her that her behaviour is unacceptable (the least she could have done was asked if she could rent a movie), then you are encouraging her to continue to do/try things behind your back.

and how in the world would restricting access to internet, phone privileges (that's all they are, honey is privileges), and ordering of on demand movies is telling her that "sex is bad"????? FYI, it is not saying anything about sex. It is telling a teenager that running behind your parent's back is not tolerated, nor acceptable behaviour, and will be punished.

Sex isn't bad, nor did I ever say it is. Looking a books, pictures, movies, etc...Isn't bad, if you are of a maturity level to understand what you're seeing, and the relationship it has to the real world.

So, IMO, ignorance is in the eye...of yourself.

Also, I agree with Dove. I never had a "house rule" regarding the ordering of movies. My kids knew that was not ok, unless they asked permission, and if they asked for a specific movie that wasn't free, they had to pay me to rent it...but it wasn't a "house rule". It was a privilege to be respected, not abused.

So, Lisa, I'll assume that you are a "non punishing" parent.

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Wendy - posted on 07/29/2012

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Agreed and I am relieved too. I am glad I got the opportunity to speak her about this....she's my only child and I'm learning as we go also.....lol.

Dove - posted on 07/29/2012

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Glad to hear it was a mistake, but still turned into a learning opportunity and a chance for a good discussion with your daughter! :)

Wendy - posted on 07/29/2012

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Michelle Shoesmith she doesn't have access to any credit cards....the movie showed up on my cable bill. I have to let everyone know that in looking at the date this happened, it was on June 1st and she was in school that day (if she wasn't the school calls you and lets you know your child is absent).....so it was a mistake on the Cablevisons part and they gave me credit for it. I showed her the bill and asked her about it anyway and used that opportunity to have a serious discussion about sex. I let her know that sex is a beautiful thing that happens w/between 2 people who love each other and that porn isn't a way to learn about sex. She told me that if she has any questions she would ask me....she knows I will tell her the truth. I explained to her how she needs to respect herself and her body as does any boy she dates in the future. If he doesn't and he tries to force her into sex (including oral) he's simply using her and not respecting her and she needs to let him go (no matter how much she likes him).....she seemed to understand everything i was saying to her and agreed w/me. she told me she doesn't want to become a pregnant teenager that she has goals in life (she wants to become a pastry chef). She starts HS in sept and I hope she sticks to her beliefs all though HS and I will help her any way I can. Meanwhile I have blocks on all NC-17 rated movies and above and a pin is needed for any On Demand movies that cost money. Thanks again to everyone for their advice.

Pamela - posted on 07/29/2012

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All cable companies offer parent controls that can be enforced when you are not at home....and even when you are and she is watching TV while not in your presence.

Sit down and discuss sexual energies with her. If you feel unprepared to do so....get to a library. There are dozens of books to help parents discuss sexual energies with their children. Ask a librarian for help or search on the computer at your local library for these books and check them out. If your local library does not have a copy, but a book is found in the library system, they can have it sent to you from their own system. You put what is called a "reserve" on the book and the library holds it for you until you get there to pick it up. They generally give you a certain amount of days to pick up the book out once it has arrived at your local library.

Obviously she is interested in seeing and understanding what sexual activity is all about. This is the best time to take up a discussion. Be happy that you have discovered her interest and can take the ball from here!

It is very important not to "judge" sex as dirty or any such attitude by putting down X rated movies. These movies only show what people do sexually in private. Rather take a healthy attitude and do your best to discuss with her without JUDGEMENT of any kind........even your own prejudices whatever they may be!

Michelle - posted on 07/27/2012

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How was she able to order something? does she have your credit card details? If she does change your credit card details with your bank immediately. If there is a pin required for the cable have it changed immediately as well. So that permission needs to be obtained next time something is ordered.

Dove - posted on 07/27/2012

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You shouldn't have to have a house rule to not order R and X rated movies. That would, in my eyes, be a given until something like this happens. I wouldn't think to make a house rule to ban my 10 year old from ordering a PG-13 movie (assuming we had on demand) because she already KNOWS that PG-13 movies are not allowed.... and neither is ordering anything that costs me money without my permission.

That's fairly easy for Wendy to explain to her child without making the sex the focal point.

Lisa - posted on 07/27/2012

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Solid point, IF there was a house rule forbidding the ordering of movies. If not, then its the nature of the movie that becomes the focal point.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/27/2012

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Good luck, Wendy :-) It will all work out fine.

Hey, a thought...what are the chances it was done on a dare?

Wendy - posted on 07/27/2012

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Thank you everyone. Little Miss you have great advice and I will take it.....thanks. Once I get home from work, I will be calling the cable company back as they will walk me through as to how to put a pin number (I will be blocking all shows R rated and above). I figured since I don't get any of the adult channels (even though they show up on the guide) I didn't need to worry about this. I didn't even think about the On Demand. I def learned a lesson here. I will be showing her the cable bill and ask her (not accuse her) about this movie. I hope she comes clean w/me. If she doesn't I will simply point out how this was ordered when I was at work and she was the only one home. Wish me luck and thanks again for all the advice :)

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/27/2012

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Yup. Parental locks at this point is a must. Same for on your computer, and make sure the computer is in a family room. Not her bedroom. Great point Dove!

Dove - posted on 07/27/2012

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In addition to what Little Miss has said.... is there a way to block this On Demand thing? Either eliminate it or block it with a password?

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