My 15 year old wants to drink and party

Tammy - posted on 08/01/2013 ( 291 moms have responded )

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My 15 yr old daughter has recently wanted to go to more parties with her friends . Was caught drinking last year. Lied last weekend and said was just girls at a sleepover but ended up boys slept over and no parents were home. I found this out in her twitter where she posted "fucking bitch" when I calmly called her out on the party ( I was a bad teen so I so remember that ). I took phone and grounded her for few days and asked her to let me know why what she did was wrong and she did. However last night she went to her gfs with another friend and they slept in a tent and drank and parties all night and her gf posted picture and comments on twitter. She lied when I asked her about it and then said I was a Psycho mother and so strict that nobody will want to be her friend and that all other parents are letting their daughters have a few coolers! Was extremely rude so I went to get phone and she locked me out of room so I kicked door down bc was freaking (not proud of it but its my house and I warned her to open the door or I would so I did) . She then balled and wept! Told her gf she wanted to kill herself!!!!! I lay here in a state that I don't want to be in and don't know how to deal with!!! She is 15! And I know she's got to be lieing about other parents but I so know some parents don't care ! They don't even check on their daughters when they go to sleepovers! She is spoiled and I need to fix this . She's starting high school plays high level soccer which she already received a letter from the states wanting her to play their with scholarship and she says she don't want to even play soccer bc it takes away from all this friend time and parties.... I need help ! I talk with friends but needier guidance! Help !

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Lisa - posted on 08/05/2013

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First of all, I would recommend you lay down a 6 month moratorium on sleepovers unless they are at your house. (And any that you host, you had better be prepared to stay up all night keeping an eye on them.)

Second, time to meet the moms of her friends. Call or drop by (if you don't have their number) and introduce yourself. It gets a lot harder for the girls to sneak around if the moms are all talking to each other. You will also learn pretty quickly which moms you trust to keep an eye on things and which ones will most likely let things get out of hand. Double check EVERYTHING your daughter tells you. Trust, but verify.

Third, if you feel like you have some good moms on your side, never let the girls go anywhere (Mall, Movies, the Park, etc.) without a Mom that you trust going along, too. No need to hold their hands, but close enough to see what is going on is important. I would put this in place for at least the next six months.

Fourth, depending on your circumstances, set a nighttime block on your daughters phone so she has a harder time conspiring late at night. Also, remember, you don't need to take the physical phone away, just have the phone company suspend service for a little while.

Last, THE TALK. You know your daughter best, but here are some elements that I have found helpful.

1. I love you and want you to have fun with your friends.
2. My job as the adult is to teach you what you need to know to be a happy adult and your recent behavior is not going to take you there.
3. Your recent behavior has damaged my ability to trust you, but following this plan will give you the chance to earn it back.

When you have THE TALK, don't let her suck you in to the drama. My favorite exit line is "I love you too much to argue." Also, "It's okay to take a break and talk more later, you seem too upset to discuss this right now." Don't rise to the bait. Keep your cool and you stay in control of the situation.

Good luck, Mom! You can do it!

Grtshell - posted on 08/02/2013

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I am so sorry you are going through this. A friends daughter was pulling the same kind of bs. Long story short girl went out to party, came home find her room had a bed and dresser and of course closet. No TV no ipod no laptop, phone was taken she also had her own land line which of course had been cut off. She no longer had a door, and every window in the house had sensors not for breaking but for opening. My friend was dead serious when she told her daughter ( I was there for all this and helped clean out the room ) "all the things you take for granted are making someone very happy" brat did the yeah right, searched all over claimed it was at my house. Then we showed her the vid I had taken of the people at Goodwill taking everything out of the back of the mini van. She pitched a fit screaming and yelling about it was hers , no right to do that yada yada. My friend responded very calm " none of that was yours I bought it all, everything in this room belongs to me not you ( input 2 older brothers ) they are taking apart your bed you dont need it. The law states that I as a parent have to give you a place to sleep, a place for clothing, a place to use the bathroom and 3 meals a day. It says nothing about you getting everything you want" she also told her she would " make a chart for good behavior and at the end of every month depending how well she did she could get one thing back" I almost died laughing the chart looked like the kind you would make as a sticker for going potty chart, and there were stickers, and at the end of the month she had to spin the wheel to see what she was getting back. Let me tell you having her friends see that and Mom told her friends she would be more than happy to share this with their parents. She and her friends are doing really great! TOUGH LOVE

Rhonda - posted on 08/09/2013

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Keep the door off the room, take her phone away until you can trust her again, and question the parents of her 'friends' if they have plans to go to their house. Communication is the key. She has to earn trust it is NOT a given. Threatening to kill herself is serious so she needs to be told that if she threatens it you need to follow thru with sending her to get help...a clinic or a shrink and alert her doctor. If she is only saying it for attention/drama she will get the message that you will act on it. Follow thru with what you say. When she yells, listen...when she is done, calmly (quietly), discuss the situation...a teacher once told me that quietness carries more clout than loudness. Breathe! Always end telling her that you love her. Mean what you say. Act on what you say. Don't give up and be firm but with love. Yelling and violence gets you nowhere. If she quits soccer tell her she has to have extra chores to keep herself busy, volunteer at a worthy cause or something special for others. Have her research and choose which one. Hold her accountable. She needs a sense of responsibility and consequences for her actions. If you don't do this now she may never know...please, for her sake...and don't give up on her.

Danielle - posted on 08/04/2013

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The best strategy that my parents used with me and that I am attempting to use with my son, is to encourage hanging out at home. Create a space that your daughter and her friends find welcoming and suficiently private (basement or garage works well), make sure there is stuff they like to do (video games, pool table, trampoline...), stock it with snacks and non-alcoholic drinks that they can enjoy without having to leave the space. Supervise constantly, but discreatly. Get to know her friends. Bake them cookies or order pizza. Offer them rides. Be there. Listen. Don't judge. Talk to your daughter about her friends, but never be negative. Encourage her to become closer to some friends that share particular positive influences (invite the soccer team over!). This approach has always yielded better results than stricter rules enforced more strictly! Remember that as tough as this time is for you - parenting a teen is one of the toughest things you'll ever do - it is even tougher for your daughter. She needs understanding and gentle guidance and will respond to both. Good luck! Oh, and please take any mention of suicide seriously and fully investigate it... even if you think she is being dramatic and isn't serious, the consequences of misjudging that are just too high.

Stacy - posted on 08/09/2013

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Megan Jewet- I have to respectfully disagree with you. No 15 yr old girl needs to be put on birth control pills. What they need is to be taught that they do NOT have to give in to any boy who tries to coerce them into having sex. I am surprised at you for saying that since you are a female yourself. At 15 yrs old, I was not ready or willing to have sex. And, at that age, if I WOULD have had sex, it would have only been done with hopes of ensuring that the boy I liked liked being with me. In other words, it would have been done ONLY TO PLEASE HIM and to KEEP HIM. You ask any Teen Mom, or any teen girl who IS sexually active if they really, REALLY like having sex and really WANTED to do it FOR THEMSELVES the first time and I am sure that the majority of the girls would answer NO.
Second, your parents were wrong to give you alcohol when you were young. I am guessing that they themselves were drinkers: if not heavy drinkers, at least frequent drinkers. I doubt that you would have had any interest in drinking at all at a young age if you did not see them doing it so often. The fact that they gave you alcohol doesn't mean that its ok. It means that they found it easier to let you join-in, rather than to stop doing it themselves. You see, putting a child on the pill is easier than explaining to them why they should not have sex. Permitting children to drink with you is easier than not drinking in the presence of your children. Lazy parenting is not really parenting at all. Thank you for reading, Megan.

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Faith - posted on 03/19/2014

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Hi I wonder if she would speak to a counselor it sounds like shes acting out,
Start giving her earlier curfews and taking her stuff : phone, computer, luxuries, & no
Having friends over. for a while.. & Absolutely no parties...! ( let her think about it.)
If that doesent work take everything except 1 outfit, and a roll of toilet paper.
Put her in an underage drinking class if she continues to do that.. or
Take her to A/A.
Let her earn back her stuff by showing you consistantly " good behavior"
& showing u repect the respect u deserve...
Allow her to be consistant first ..dont give in.
Dont forget you are the parent..
Best wishes

Glenda - posted on 08/23/2013

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I too have a 15 year old daughter & caught her drinking in our home. The only alcohol in the house was vodka that had been left here months before. Each child is different so only you know your daughter well enough in how to handle the situation. For me, I waited until the next day to talk with her. If I hadn't it would have been a knock down/shouting match. (I too have knocked a door down, have removed a door from its hinges, taken all but the bed from her room among other drastic measures, none of which helped but made matters worse) I have learned not to let myself get to the boiling point, when to pick my battles & when to walk away. Explained my disappointment, how with or without my knowledge the trouble not only she, but myself could be in for underage drinking with the law, including losing my job, how it could have a huge impact on her schooling & her future. She could put herself in a situation that under the influence may not be able to get out of such as being taken advantage of sexually. I am a single income parent, her father is deceased. Yes, I did the same thing, times were different, laws were different, it did not make me an alcoholic or a bad person, but it could have. I've raised my daughter the best I know how, taught her right from wrong & respect. They are going to experiment, they are going to make bad choices, these are the lessons of life. If she chooses to do wrong she will pay the consequences for it, be it with the law, or my taking away something important to her. I expect honesty, she knows if she's honest the consequences are not near what they are when I've been lied to.They will do somethings with or without your knowledge, I'd rather know (not condone) & have a handle on the situation. She understands that no matter where she might be, not to ride with anyone who's been drinking, & never be afraid to call me to come get her. No matter what she's done, I may not approve but I will come get her anytime, any hour & we will deal with it from there. It's important to let them know you love them, will be there for them, that your main adjective is their welfare. Being overly protective or being to harsh will only push them away causing them to rebel, sneak around behind your back & possibly create a larger problem than what you started with. I know where she is, whom she's with, who her friends are. I try to at least introduce myself to their parent(s) & know where they live. I may not care for or approve of all her friends, but I've never said she couldn't be friends with them. It would only make her want to hang out with them more, & she is quick to figure out who her real friends are & who isn't. Many will not agree with me, that's ok, as parents we have to do what we feel is right for our child. I am not my daughters friend, I am her mother, we have learned to communicate & it wasn't easy. When I'm to negative or she's to defensive we agree to walk away & discuss it when we've calmed down. It works for us. Trial & error, just never ever give up. It will all work out, stay strong she's going to test your limits, & they need to know there are limits.

Kyley - posted on 08/18/2013

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My daughter is 13 and when she ask to go to a friends for a sleepover I make sure I talk to the parents first and get ever phone number I can. Some of her friends are allowed to date, but I have not let her yet and not sure what age she will be allowed to. She has some friends when they come over to stay the night I never hear from their parents. Do their parents even know where they are at? I will try to contact a parent to let them know their child is ok if i have not talked to them before hand. She also has friends who are allowed to hangout downtown at night with no supervision. I have not let her do this yet and I will not let her do this. My daughter also wants to get her nosed pierced and I have firmly told her no. "But mom a lot of friends have theirs pierced. I don't care, my daughter will not have her nose pierced, hair dyed or a tattoo at such a young age. When she is 18 she can make those decisions herself. I understand about the drinking thing. I worry about her when she is away and what the other parents may say about drinking, that it is ok and such. This last spring my daughter made the soccer team, practiced hard and half way through quit the team without telling anyone. Now she can not play another sport for a whole season. She was such a great soccer player, playing since she was 5. She has kind of messed up her chance at a scholarship. The music these kids listen to is appalling. What kind of messages are this artist sending to our children? And lastly cell phones....most of her friends come over and all they do is text and post photos. When I try to take her phone from her she gets angry. I know I have touched on a lot of things here, but this is what I am going through as a single mom of a 13 yr old girl. Oops I forgot to mention the short shorts these girls wear. We as parents of teens need lots of support, guidance and prayer.
Locked bedroom door, changing password for facebook, language, apathy, laziness..........My heart goes out to parents of teens, my heart breaks especially for the teen girls.

Cindie - posted on 08/18/2013

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I haven't read all of the comments (I wrote one earlier....) BUT - I am a bit weary of hearing - "Remember you are their mother, not their friend."

If it weren't for the friendship that I had and have with my daughter, she would not be the lovely young woman that she is. I have five children, now 22 through 27 and to be honest, the ones that will not accept my friendship along with motherhood are the ones that are pretty messed up so far.

The two (a boy and a girl) that are MY FRIENDS are wonderful, sensitive, productive and independent. I am counting on the others to come around someday.

Was I strict? HA! Ask ALL of my kids! They will answer with a resounding YES! But with an even louder YES, they will say I loved and respected them as human beings.

In raising our children, we often forget that they are human beings that will eventually have to learn to control their own lives and NOT be controlled by "not-your-friend-Mom". You must respect your children - you cannot beat it out of them. Trust me when I say with experience: IT DOES NOT WORK.

So to those of you who are telling this mother to take this away and that away, just remember - those things only work long term IF they are accompanied by respect and an openness to really listen and HEAR their opinions. You don't have to agree, but just because you listen does not mean you consent....it means you value them as people.

Soooo, at the risk of having tomatoes thrown at me by 99% of you, I say in a loud but respectful voice, "YES - YOU CAN BE THEIR FRIEND and mother, too!"

Sarah - posted on 08/16/2013

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First of all, I have two daughters myself, 2 and 5, so I'm going to come at this from the daughters perspective. Yes, she wants to fit it. Yes, she wants to be popular. She in no way wants to stand out right now, especially being 15 and going into high school. High School might as well be labeled "The Jungle" cause it's a struggle everyday for teens to make it out alive and unscathed. I have great memories of high school, I loved it, but it's a rough adjustment, even for the most well rounded kids.

Your daughter is going to say whatever she needs to say to get you to do what she wants you to do. I know, cause I did the same thing. I was raised by a single Mom who didn't take crap from me, even when I wanted to do my own thing and follow the crowd. She had rules laid out to guide me, not push me. I may broken one or two along the way, but she kept me in line and most of all forgave me when I did stupid things. All kids experiment. Whether it's drinking or drugs, with clothes, hair, makeup and boys. It's part of figuring out who we all are. The difference is you've gotta be the one to show her where the line is and don't for any reason change it.

If these friends are pushing her in a direction you don't think is good for her, let her know without alienating her from them. The more you pull her your way, she'll pull her way. You need to let her know your trust for her is broken and that's not something easily fixed. She's gotta earn that and your respect before she can make big life decisions and until then it's your responsibility to make them for her. Which includes who she is friends with, dates, hangs out with, etc. Flat out telling her No is only going to make her want to do it more, but explaining your pov and listening to hers is crucial.

Good luck, you're not alone!

Sav - posted on 08/16/2013

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I have a 15yr old son and 13yr old daughter. They have never been allowed to have sleepovers except with cousins when they were younger. They can hang with friends or party but I will pick them up when it's over. Parenting is the toughest job in the world and starts from age 0. I am quite strict and when my kids yell, "YOU'RE SOOO STRICT!", I calmly reply, 'thank you'. My husband does not drink alcohol and I seldom have a glass of wine or a cocktail. My son is not interested in alcohol and takes out his frustration(let's face it - all teens have frustration) in the gym. My daughter and I clash a fair amount but we love each other. My job is to keep my kids safe, sane and happy. Be tough but not unreasonable. When you make a decision, stick to it. She'll respect you more for it. GOOD LUCK. We all need some.

Stefani - posted on 08/15/2013

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First remember you are her mother not her friend. It's hard. I have gone through the same thing minus the drinking, but the sneakiness and the lying. My daughter doesn't have time to drink and I invite her friends over to our house. She rarely goes to others houses and the all mainly want to come to mine. I am very strict you are not alone. I even told one of her friends who was getting C's and D's sliding into an F that she either bring up her grades or she wasn't hanging with my daughter anymore. It worked, she did. Teenagers do not have a right to privacy. I give my daughter privacy to a point, but when her behavior or attitude feels off or her friends say something that sets my radar off I then check her texts, facebook and other electronic forms of communication. She was a Freshman last year and was really struggling. Discovered that her friends and her were cutting. So she and I now go to counseling. Your daughter is trying to fit in and getting ready for highschool drinking and partying are an easy way to feel included and importance because she is invited. I would recommend that:
1) you get to know her friends, invite them over multiple times, meet their parents etc.
2) If they are a bad influence don't encourage the friendships ie don't play taxi, don't have them over, don't allow the other child's parents pick up your kid etc.
3) Set down rules, you either have complete access to all of her electronics, not that you will use this access but that you can at any time. If you find out she has opened accounts that you do not have the passwords too or she changes them take away her access, take away her phone.
4) Go to counseling either separate or together. They will help the two of you communicate better. Most school districts will have a counselor on staff that can recommend one to you and they usually will give you 3 to 6 sessions free with a referral from a school.
5) Model good behavior, apologize for breaking down her door (remove the lock from her door) and explain calmly why you were so upset and that you are frustrated and trying to reach out to her.

Good luck, but most of all know you are not alone!

Diane - posted on 08/12/2013

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Get to a Christian counselor that specializes in Tough Love immediately! Don't wait! This s not a simple grounding type issue. She needs a strong intervention, as do you to know you're doing the right thing. You are saving her life. Do what it takes!

Evelyn - posted on 08/12/2013

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Too many parent make the mistake of trusting our teen to do the right thing, as some do but most do not. Giving them too much space to soon lands parent and child into a need for a serious family friend boob camp session. Our children need us much longer than we know, before placing a cell phone in their hands, and why do they need to have a locked door, with a sign that screams "STAY OUT" "DO NOT ENTER". I would not advise a razor scrape, but I do advise taking the door off the hinge, if negotiation are not reached. Get Started and let your daughter help you, cause this is about the rest of her life and your, and you two do not want to leave each other. - Evelyn Murray, Mother and Great Grand Mother
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Stacy - posted on 08/12/2013

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I agree with you that Erma Bombeck was an amazing woman. I read her column in the newspaper EVERYDAY as a child! Erma, Dear Abby, Ann Landers. Great and helpful advise columnists.

Evelyn - posted on 08/12/2013

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I mention it over and over again because I have 21 grand children and I am around children every day most all day and this is what happen to adults who are around children all day, with their parent who are my child, What a loving chore

I am glade that you ask this question. No, I don't run a boot camp that is out side of my own family. As a child we spent every summer in the state of Georgia, in the back woods with our grand parents who are share croppers, man talk about a boot camp. As children we did not get the privileges as children today. We had the best play talk and we had a lot of time talking to each other always near our older aunts, uncles and our grand parents, we were more sheltered and had all the freedom we wanted, yet in eye sight of older adult.

Create your own boot camp, find a wilderness therapist in your area, and go have the time of your life fishing, If you have never fished before then use Cane Poles until you get the hang of a reel & rod. Both Parents must come along with teens, no cell phone, once family in a community or group come together for the love of their children wonderful things happen. Horse shoe toss is Kool. Get the extra large Marshmallows. Don't let the weather deter you, have the boot camp in doors. And talk walks as a boot camp group. Yes You are going to plan your own boot camp, call your friends, but gather your info first to have them read up at the meeting that you have at your house, and have the teens there as well, it is about them after all. If the teens don't participate than they will have to camp where ever the adults decide, and that will be the end of that conversation ha ha ha! sorry had to laugh.... Getting back to the basics of family should be growing pain and growing laughter.

Mom, now that you have boot camp in your head, go make it happen!! Not sugar on at the boot camp. And when the teens get up and take off crying into the wood take the camp therapist with you to find your child. Just keep in mind that YOU are in charge, and YOU allow things to get this way. Children don't come into this world with cell phones in their hands, and referring to their mom as "The Bitch".... sorry had to laugh again ...

Your daughter will be just fine, as soon as you share with her your life and these books at the boot camp

This strange woman helped me a lot, cause I was at my ropes end at one point. Her book did not solve my teen issues but they made me laugh, I wish I had share them with my teens, as I know that you will share with your teen. Don't go fancy in your select of places for your boot camp do rustic and don't forget that every one near the water have to have on a life vest, and no where near face flowing water. Erma Bombeck on her death bed sound so much like a old teen with regrets. http://www.snopes.com/glurge/bombeck.asp

Here is her book on children it is very funny enjoy on your Boot Camp experience and every one has to keep a diary, and no you will do more than one boot camp, how often is up to the needs that need to be address

http://phoenix.about.com/od/arizonaandph...

Stacy - posted on 08/12/2013

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It wasn't me, but they didn't say to "scrape" the child with a razor. They said to paddle them with a razor strop. Its a band-type thing used to sharpen a straight razor back in the old days. Similar to a belt across the butt.

C - posted on 08/12/2013

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Evelyn Murray, I haven't looked at all the boot camp links you posted, but why is it mentioned over and over in your post? Do you run it?

C - posted on 08/12/2013

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I am very sorry you are going through this, I want to let you know that some on here are advising that you supervise a party allowing kids "coolers." I would strongly advise against this because you could easily wind up arrested if you are caught and if a parent of another child is not aware you are allowing them to drink at your house this could easily happen.I have a 15 year old, luckily we have not had this yet and I am sorry your daughter is starting very early with this. If this were my daughter, I would probably be going to see a family therapist, there may be something going on you are unaware of among her peer group.Getting everything out on the table will help.

Kaneshiia - posted on 08/12/2013

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Honestly I agree that it is to young. Granted I like you were the same, a "bad teen" as some would say. I broke the rules and some laws - yet like you wouldn't want my children to do the same as what I did. I do not know what I would do if they go down the path I did. My son is only going to be two and we are now expecting a girl so wish me luck in the future. *****ANYWAYS!!! BACK TO YOUR SITUATION. I say there are two things you could lean towards. Be like some parents and tell her that she is only allowed to party if there is adult supervision, and that you are willing to be that supervision, if she states that her friends parent are doing this, put your foot down and tell her you will only allow her to be there under their her supervision if you actually met and spoke to them. As for the alcohol - state you won't buy it but will allow ONLY COOLERS as she has mentioned. (SOURCE: my mother and some of my friends parents did this). Our parents felt that yes it could land them in trouble if caught, but they knew we would do it behind their back anyhow and the our safety was more important than drunk driving, etc. (i.e. hanging with older friends) As for the boys, give them a curfew if they came over as if you would give her a curfew, instead of going out. Of course like mine, all this could be an incentive ; good grades + school activity/club = major supervised leeway. I KNOW,I KNOW ALOT OF MOTHERS/PARENTS would DISAGREE and Hate this guidance however it's just a suggestion... I mean you were a 'bad teen' as you said, I too, and a lot of others HOWEVER we did turn out okay, decent I'm sure, parents/adults. We, as mothers, can only hope out daughters would out grow this kind of behavior. I mean, I shared what my mother and other friends parents did. Maybe you could do whatever your parents did with you? Hope this helps, and if not hope it at least gives you an idea of what to do.... (-: Best of Luck!

Nthabiseng - posted on 08/11/2013

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i think you must put your footdown and remind her the rules of the house.the children are not allow to drink alchohol at this age.In my cultire children especially girls do house chores and learn how to look after themself and respect their parents .

Carol - posted on 08/10/2013

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Tough love is the only answer. My daughter is 33 now and has spent 13 years in prison. She was 15 when she did the same thing. Get the law involved. Do what ever it takes. She will thank you one day..

Nicole - posted on 08/09/2013

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So well written xxx We are going thru similiar problems with our 15 yr old and your comment is unlifting xxx

Evelyn - posted on 08/09/2013

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if your daughter is sexually active, then, here are your options ......you can start buying baby clothes, Classes at plan parenthood, are meet with the right to life people for the future abortions that lay ahead or Family Boot Camp and don't forget to take your fishing poles with you and the dog. Birth control can cause a build up of blood clots, that can kill your baby. Open the communication is actually your best bet. When they get 15 years old they run and then it is down hill from there, Family Boot Champ, once they have sex the boy is the one in control - Family Boot Camp - Evelyn Murray http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4lP689I3...

Evelyn - posted on 08/09/2013

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put the fact that the door coming off the hinges on the list and why, this is a work in motion. Then you and your daughter are well on your way to an open for parent child interactive communication. just keep communication, if you seek counseling make sure that it is done in your home, in your living room, under a tree in your back yard, you can even go for a jog with the therapist. Just make it physically healthy if it means sitting in your back yard. I still do the door off the hinge with my grand children, and life is as it should be most of the time :) Meet me, Evelyn Murray, I am the woman in the front yard, it's funny. I got my sense of humor from my children, This is a stage that need to handled with care and love

Evelyn - posted on 08/09/2013

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Children are running away from home at this age. As parents we from some reason allow this to go on and on and on, then we reach a point where we now put our foot down, which is confusing as to the parents behavior? This is what causes the back talk. As parents when our children test us we, gave in time and time again, now we take this and we take that all once. Let her have her phone, yet program it where she can only call, Don't take all of her liberty away, give her a curfew. Until she and you are communicating on a level that you both can live with. You are raising her, yet you had to drop the ball some where? Check in with your self and start from the point that you allow your daughter to have this much power to talk back? It's about her, and it's about you. You two need to make a list of pros and cons and them weight them out base on a written agreement that will be posted in the bath room, the kitchen, and in her bed room, as well as your room. Life is a very serious business and lines need to be drawn. Just don't make matter worst by pulling the plug on every thing at once. If 15 she need to learn the art of negotiation, and contract agreement as well as the rules of parent child engagement that will build a strong Parent Child Interaction, our world and society have changed as we as parents can not expect for the old ways engagement and Parent Child Interaction. start with the basic common rules as you and your child build your interaction. Your daughter will love an open line of communication. Back in the days of old we at 15 would have married this troublesome child off to a husband :) ha ha ha. Your young woman sound so smart, you have your work cut out, what works for one situation does not work for another and then there is the basic common rules of parent child Interactions that are the common rules of engagement that stay with us all of our lives.

Evelyn - posted on 08/09/2013

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Tammy, as parents we raise our babies, and we know all their habits, and then one day they make a move that is out of habit and yes, we as parent are lost as to what to do. Tammy you are not a fool, no more than me or any other parent who's love for their children is to protect them. This conversation that you are having on this "Circle Of Moms" blog, need to include the young woman that will make you a grand mother and herself a mother some day. Get her to talking through this post, let her see how much you love her, that you are at the end of your rope, so you joined a mom's group, because she is your life and that you feel that you are loosing her, and you are not about to loose her. You and your daughter can start your own blog, or go to face book, It is important that your awaken to who you are to her and what she is to you, Too many of our youth test us based the peer group, Just be careful with her are she will take off on you, There may be an adult are an older youth setting the pace in her peer group, there are so many unknown possibilities when we as parent are in the dark on our children. Sit down with the family album and relive your years together as baby and mom. At 15 we can not make our children do much, yet, find out if your daughter love you and how much? start there. Share how much you love her and who much, I am sure that you have done this already, yet do it again. Go camping with her, teach her how to catch her first fish, take the fisherman in you family along. Cell phone and the Internet take the minds of our children, it is addictive these devices. Tammy you are on an unlevel playing field find that way to balance it. Have all the mothers of your daughters friends over for a camp out, or a back yard bar b q. wedge your mama hips into where your daughter is and find out what is going on before it is too late. Talk to her and her friend, She must discover that even when you two disagree that the love is there, and is never to be doubted and letting her have her way is not an option just yet, based upon her current behavior and her language usage. GO GET YOUR BABY Mom. I am 61 years old and I am my mother's child and baby even from my mom's grave. Know that we as moms are with you in spirit and deed ♥ - Evelyn Murray 503 875-9200

Kim - posted on 08/09/2013

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jeri just to be clear I was responding to the person that said use a razor strap or paddle

Debbie (Nanny) - posted on 08/09/2013

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The Bible says "spare the rod, spoil the child". that doesn't give license for you to beat them, but you are to discipline them. We are raising a generation of entitled, spoiled brats who have no concept of discipline. It is the parent's responsibility to discipline in love. You are not their friend. They have friends, you are the parent and you will be held accountable for your actions.

Kim - posted on 08/09/2013

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to geri I am a mother of 4 no I am not god but no child or person deserves to be beat period!!

Evelyn - posted on 08/08/2013

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Your daughter will not understand that "now" you are taking her phone, her computer, on top of liberty to move about. It is true that you must keep a tight watch on our children for sure. Telling her "no" is not the end of the world, yet her behavior did begin over night and nor will it stop over night. Time out of her peer environment, has be pack rat style, remove something by replacing something in it's place. Like a extended camping Therapy, with a therapist on hand. You heard your beloved daughter referring to you as a "Bitch", her peer group speak this language. Make up a contract with your daughter, if she does not like it, then "allow" her to make some changes to the contract. I must agree that her contact with her friend must be the first change. Sit down and talk with her, it will be hard cause you have allowed your children to develop some how into the 15 year old that you are dealing with today, yet all is not lost. Move fast for she is 18 in three years. The parents of your daughters friend sound like they not watching the girls when they are over at their house, I hope you know the other parents well. Get moving the clock is ticketing. You have not mentioned her dad? What is his role in her life? Evelyn Murray 503 875-9200

Nichole - posted on 08/08/2013

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I was once a hard partying teenager with a mom who knew where I was and who I was with (just not what we were doing) she gave me to much freedom and it almost cost me my life. I am a responsible mother and an very happy in my life now (I'm 30) but it took a lot of years to come back from those years of partying. My mom was "the cool mom" but as a mother now, I look back and seriously wonder if my mother even cared about me because I was so "free" and I would never let my daughter or sons do what I did. I would stand your ground and don't worry about the dramatics too much, in the end, she will know you reigned her in out of love and concern for her well being and she will be a better person for it. Touching on the "I'm going to kill myself" comment she made, I would honestly be more worried if she shuts down and stops talking not when she's just mad and lashing out. Hang in there...she will be an adult before you know it and hopefully will eventually consider you her ally not her enemy.

Evie's - posted on 08/08/2013

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I don't have a teenager; I have a 2 year old. But, from what I have figured out, teenagers are a lot like 2 year olds.
There is a strong urge and yearning for independence in them, and they are going through a transitional time that has them wondering what their place is and how they fit in.

Teenagers are not children. You cannot treat a teenager like a child, and expect to be treated with respect in return.
And, they are not adults. You cannot have faith in their ability to make responsible and rational decisions when in comes to their well-being. They often think they are invincible and that nothing could hurt them or go wrong.
As with a 2 year old, you must stay firm and consistent. Let them know what comes next if they do something, and then go through with it!

As for physical discipline, not only has it been proven to have disastrous effects on humans, but it is especially foolish to use with a teen. You show them disrespect when you do that, and they are smart enough to realize that. Not only will they show you zero respect back and probably rebel, but they also have the power to fight back. It will only cause more issues
within your family.

Taking away privileges is a good form of discipline. Car, phone, grounding... But, remember (as with a 2 year old) to explain why you're taking their phone ("you're not doing well in school, so you can't talk to your friends or spend time on Facebook until your grades go up").
Then tell her you're disappointed and saddened by her behavior. ("I know you're smart, so I'm having a hard time understanding why you would get in a car with friends who have been drinking". "why do you say such hurtful things to me?")

It might also help, if you show her that you very much love her and want her to still want a relationship with you. Take her out to lunch some day, or maybe do a spa day together. Whatever will give you an opportunity to tell her that you very much love her and worry about her, while she is listening.

Remember though, you are not there to be her friend; you are her mom, and you still have a job to do. Doesn't mean you both can't still love and respect each other.
Good luck.

Evelyn - posted on 08/08/2013

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It is time to head for boot camp, if you can afford it. Now, you will attend this boot camp as well mom. Our children have grown too comfortable, with too many things that we have given to them, which has given them the false impression that they are all that an a bag of potato chips. Yes they are really, yet not in this kind of way.

Boot Camp is as much for you as it is for her. Your daughters peer group clearly has a strong influence on her. As the "mother bitch", it is time to persuade her to come around to understanding that a bitch is a four legged dog, that growls, bite, and snip at the ankles. This can all be turned around at boot camp. There are many professional who do "Wilderness Therapy" that you can set up the camp with several other parents like yourself who are in need to persuading their teens as well. We as parents tend to believe that we can trust our children, and we should be able too, but our world has changed. Families need to support in ways that are back to basics. A wilderness Trip is just the ticket. Ask her what will it take for your to persuade her to see that you only have her best interest at heart? She what her answer will be. What are the parent of her friend like? This can play a major part in the influence that is causing her to address you as a bitch, this is a serious red flag and 3 years from now, matter will have gone from bad to worst. - Evelyn Murray

Evelyn Murray, a mother who has been through it all. With 2 boys and 6 girls, 13 grand daughters, 9 grand sons, and 5 great children. I am still over joyed and amazed when ever I see a pregnant woman, I smile :) I am the 4 born of 4 girls and 12 brothers. My mother was my best friend, we did everything together, I was able to speak to her on any subjects. My mom and I were very comfortable with each other. This is what I love about women we can grow into and with each other as mother and daughters. We loose each other some where in the fires of life, you both need time to back track and get it all out. As mom you are not going to like most of what will come our of your daughter's mouth about you, just ask her to explain? It is important that you keep her talking and explaining you from her point of view. And Start a diary today, a kitchen diary, that is there, as a book for you and one for her and this how you will lease messages too each other. I have found it can be so profound writing to each other. Hurray up time is not on your daughter's side, with friend who are her peer who surely are pressuring her. They are all worth it, It is time to clean house and it will not be easy ♥
https://www.parentchildinteractive.com/ look around on this link

https://www.parentchildinteractive.com/archives/video/how-do-parents-remove-conflict-from-the-family

This is just my example :

Marju - posted on 08/08/2013

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Im not a mom i only came on this site to talk about my mom but this seems to be a popular post i read it and im speechless. when ibwas 15 i ran away 8 times because i thought i was in "love" went to jail i made myself look like a fool in front of my fam. i uderstand where shes coming from and shes at that stage where shes thinking my mom has no power so you gotta let her know you do! U gave birth to her u carried her around for 8 months u do have power. i read u grounded her for a couple of days? my house was runned like jail they would give me a sentence and everytime i screwed up they would add more time. A few days is not teaching her anyhing. sleepovers? i was not allowed to have any sleepovers unless my mom knew my friends parents and had their number on speed dial. and drinking? im sorry but i would have gotten my butt whopped for that. i had really strict parents so i rebelled a little but she has nothing to complain about. if u are grounding her make sure u check the windows if u can jump out so will she. Just hang in there when she grows up and mature she will realize u did the right thing and you saved her from a lot.

Nancy - posted on 08/08/2013

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After making my earlier post a couple days ago, I thought of something the other way.

I have heard of 15 year old girls who did many of the same things your daughter has been doing whose mothers totally shut them down--took away the phone, cut them off from the friends who were being a bad influence, and even took them to a new school. Taking them away from the bad influence and changing their environment made a total difference for some of these girls. The girl becomes very dramatic at first, like your daughter did. They say things like, "My life is over," "Maybe I should just kill myself," etc. You are her mother, and we can pray that you'll have the wisdom to know if this is teenage drama or a legitimate desire to commit suicide.

It is quite obvious that several mothers on the site disagree with how you should handle this. The truth is, every girl is different. What works with some doesn't work with others. Whatever you do, don't give up! (And don't give in to your daughter, either. If she wins, you both lose.) Do what's best for YOUR daughter. If you don't know what that is, read through all our answers and see which ones resonate most with your situation. None of us know your daughter like you do, but I can tell that some of the mothers have come through this situation to a point where things are okay now.

It's okay to get help, too. Sometimes, we just can't do it on our own. My daughter is only 13, but we've had some tough times. Counseling (for myself) made me stronger and helped me be able to parent her better.

We'll continue to pray for you.

Angela - posted on 08/08/2013

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Agree! I also have a 14 year old. He's a boy, but - he's very much the same in that he is seeking out his own identity and testing boundaries. He gets nowhere with me. A common phrase in my household is... "You can get mad if you like, but the rules do not change and neither do the consequences." I have NQ Guardian on his phone. He is blocked from certain viewing certain websites and games, texting ceases at 10:00 p.m. in the summer and 8:00 p.m. during the school week, and he must check in every hour when he's at his friend's house down the street (checking in pinpoints his location on a map). He knows that his cell phone is an earned privilege. If he breaks the rules, the cell phone is gone. It's as simple as that. There is no yelling or arguing. I take it. Trust me when I tell you, kids NEED boundaries, and believe it or not, they DO want them and will respect you standing your ground. I can't tell you how many of my adult friends tell me they have no respect for one or both parents because they tried to be their friend. It doesn't work, and that's not our role in their lives. It's harder, yes - but, it's the right thing to do.

Donna - posted on 08/08/2013

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The minute you lay hands on a teenage girl, you lose. You can't teach her using your personal power. Believe me there have been many times where it took every fiber of my being not to want to haul off and beat the daylights out of one of my girls, it was almost as if she was begging for it. But I had to stand my ground using my wise mind not my emotional mind, because one of had to remain sane. This business of raising teens is not for sissies, and there is nothing wrong with seeking outside help, but in the end you want your child to respect you, and to do that, you have to be respectable. You want to keep the love between you intact. Create a contract and get her to sit down with you and list consequences for breaking the rules of the contract. Let her know that if she continues to exhibit risky behaviors you will be forced to take drastic measures including filing papers with your local JJC stating that she has become incorridgeable and let a judge decide what recourse you have when she refuses to abide by the laws of illegal drinking. Those parents of the other kids should be prosecuted as well.

Jeri - posted on 08/08/2013

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Kim w. That is so rude who are you to decide she doesn't deserve kids, shame on you your not god!

Megan - posted on 08/08/2013

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I am not crazy. This is how my parents dealt with me. I was allowed to drink if I wanted from a very young age. And because it was never forbidden. It was never a problem. I went threw a rebellious phase just like everyone else. And drinking was never a problem. Because it was okay not forbidden. You go back 20 years and parents giving there kids a drink was common. Now you spank your kid and you are looking at jail time. We protect our kids from so much. You missed the first thing that I said was to put her on the pill. She is already having sex. I can tell you that. Put her on the pill so she doesn't crash so hard that it hurts.

Debbie (Nanny) - posted on 08/08/2013

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In all relationships, especially with kids, there is a give and take - except when it comes to underage drinking, lying and outright disobedience. Your daughter is heading for major trouble and you need to deal with her now!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You should have been dealing with her long before this age and it is not going to be easy. You must be firm and you must discipline her.

Joann - posted on 08/08/2013

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As a mum of 3 teenagers I can share with you that I have always told them and still tell them that I don't believe in sleep overs because nobody will care for them as I do. I also told them that if they are in a huge need to experience a sleep over that my house is open for their friends. The sleepover is at my house where I can monitor my interests. I also told my children that if they live with me they should live up to my standards. That as soon as they think they are old enough to do what they want they can find a job to pay for their house and their needs. I told them you have my full economic support until you graduate from colleague if you do things right but if not you can get a job to pay for your stuff because me and my house will always serve the Lord. They all agree with me and I'm with them 200 percent of the time.

Joann - posted on 08/08/2013

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You are her mother and before what she wants is what she needs. I think she needs counseling. She is too you young to do the things that she is doing. If after counceling she does not changes you can remove her from her friends by sending her with a family member (like your mom) if not working that can help you with monitoring her. My niece was in the exact same conditions and my sister in law sent her with the child's grandmother. She was away from her mom and friends for a year. My niece was furious about it but everything changed for good. After she came back from her grandmothers house; she enrolled in college and already graduated. She became a very responsible person. I think it's something common in some teens but you need to do something now before it's too late.

Stacy - posted on 08/08/2013

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To Camryn Moore, bless your sweet little soul. You have no idea how much it means to Moms to have a kid back them up and encourage them. Knowing that another kid understands the fear and pain and confusion of a Mom is absolutely priceless, darling. Thank you for sounding off! *Mom Hugs*

Jennifer - posted on 08/08/2013

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My heart goes out to you completely. Our 14/15 year old daughter was the same. Being a Christian, I spent many days praying and crying. But there was a light at the end of the tunnel and she got through it. (15 seems to be THE year that most 15 year olds temporarily loose their minds)!! Keep the boundaries and consequences. I recommend a great book called Boundaries with Kids. But try especially to stay relational with her. Keep talking about things and try to do a lot of listening if you can.oh and about the door thing, you can try to remove the privelege of privacy temporarily by removing the door by its hinges. All the best and God's blessings to your whole family,

Juanita - posted on 08/07/2013

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Angela Conneally 

Totally so true this is the world we live today and we as parents are the boss loved your post exactly my thought

Juanita - posted on 08/07/2013

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I like this method works every time we are the parents not friends totally agree with those methods this is for the person with the one threw six . If you ease up you create chaotic children that will not respect others or their feelings. Let alone lead to a very bad future, u keep up being strong no sleep overs or friends I have three two being teenagers I can handle the little attitudes now and then but I check them in the door. Point blank others ruin your kids after awhile I hate to say that buts its reality this isn't full house this is real life! Keep telling her I do this for your own good and because I love and care for u.one major thing take everything she likes and stop spoiling when she learns respect, honesty, and morals that mother knows best than give her something back not all just a few things but stand your ground. I always tell my teens if you don't hate me once or twice out of your lives than I ain't doing something right because I can listen and guide you but I am your mother not your friend; and then I say I do what I do out of good for you and love. The problem that i see alot is the parent wanting to be friends and that where the child gets confused so let her know i will listen to you as a friend but my advise will always be as a responsable parent. One day she will thank you ! Then i say So get it together and it works every time I never had to get physical because I mean what I say and they know this once you show them signs of weakness or that you give up then they will continue keep up the good job not everyone raises their children the same as for me my opinion is mother that lets it keep going and can't stand her ground and understand that she had to respect you is a parent that really don't care . I will be praying for you and your girl.

Daisey - posted on 08/07/2013

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I went thru it with one of my daughters for 3 years. She was 14 when it started. I told her all the time how much I loved her and was always there for her. Sometimes she didn't believe it but in time she learned I wasn't going anywhere. She went to college and has a good job at a bank. She is 26 years old and has a family. Sometimes they have to learn from there mistakes.

Kimblee - posted on 08/07/2013

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Take her door away. Privacy needs to be earned. Stop letting her go to sleepovers. She has proven she can't be trusted, so why are you enabling this behaviour. She is underage, so should not be drinking, end of discussion.

I realise she is being a rebellious teenager, but you are the adult here. She's going to throw tantrums, because she knows she will get what she wants. Time for her to unlearn some bad behaviour!

This is going to get really hard, so time for you to surround yourself with people who are going to back you up!

Claire - posted on 08/07/2013

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Stand strong! You are the Mom. If you let her get away with this now it will only get worse later.

Vanessa - posted on 08/07/2013

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I know you've received a lot of comments, and I haven't read them. But one Mom to the next,I just wanted to extend support of your trying to manage your daughter. I was a "bad" teen as well and my parents were clueless. When my kids are teenagers, I'm not going to be the clueless parents either. Teens think they're adults. So they need their parents to remind them that they are loved, taken care of, and MUST wait to grow up. And I don't believe for a second that all her other friends parents allow their girls engage in such behavior. We've got to protect our girls, particularly when they're not making wise decisions for themselves. They are still children, period.
I don't have any answers, but I bet there are some great books out there on the subject...

Kim - posted on 08/07/2013

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as a mom I hope you really mean this and remember it when you are 15 !! If you stay sweet you make life much easier on your mom. More power to you you kid!!

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