My 16-year broke another guy's nose and I'm afraid of revenge now

Mirjam - posted on 03/07/2016 ( 8 moms have responded )

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My son of 16, Sary, a happy, spirited, funny, good-looking child, and an A student at school, got insulted by a school mate and busted him up for that by punching him in the face and breaking his nose. He has never gotten into fistfights, so the insult apparently annoyed him pretty hard. Instead of behaving like a wise and understanding mother, the other guy's mom went straight to the police and filed a complaint. Nevertheless, me and my husband went to make peace between the kids and visited the parents and all seemed well. Today, three days after the incident, there are rumors of the other kid preparing a counter-attack, and he's been said to have tear gas or pepper spray which he is planning to use in order to later beat my son up with some friends. I am not sleeping these nights because I expect school to phone me any moment and tell me that something really bad has happened to him.
We've talked to Sary and told him that he shouldn't have reacted to the verbal insult like he did, and that people with bad language aren't even worth listening to. We've also told him that trouble with the police can destroy his future and because he's a top student he won't be able to have the job he wants if he has a case in the police.
But my worry is that the other guy(s) is going to come for him anyway. And what even worries me more is that my son has a black belt in karate and he can easily finish the others off if he wants. I guess that's why he underestimated his powers in the first place by breaking the nose in one second. Meaning that he'll be looked upon as the violent guy in the end that is to be blamed for all.
I want my son to be able to stand up for himself, but I don't want him to get involved in violent clashes. I really don't know what to do. And I go to work expecting my phone to ring any moment.

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Lindy - posted on 03/08/2016

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Also, I want to add that I do agree with the other moms in message but not emotion. I have worked in many middle schools where fights do take place over little bit or nothing. If you child has made it all the way to high school without a fight and is an A student he is probably not used to hanging around people who do much fighting.

I do totally agree that it was your sons fault but I also understand that boys have a huge amount of hormones running through their body and today schools do not allow them to have a lot of physical activities that help males to regain balance.

I am glad you were able to communicate to the parents and work things out. Hopefully nothing new will happen.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/08/2016

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“My son of 16, Sary, a happy, spirited, funny, good-looking child, and an A student at school, got insulted by a school mate and busted him up for that by punching him in the face and breaking his nose.”~~If your son is truly a happy kiddo, then he really must have had something eating at him to simply go off like that.
“He has never gotten into fistfights, so the insult apparently annoyed him pretty hard.”~~Or, hormones got the best of him…He’s 16…we all experienced that
“Instead of behaving like a wise and understanding mother, the other guy's mom went straight to the police and filed a complaint.”~~Um…even a “wise and understanding” mother understands that assaults (especially an assault that causes medical damage) needs to be documented. That kid and his parents now have medical bills that wouldn’t have occurred had your son held his temper.
“Nevertheless, me and my husband went to make peace between the kids and visited the parents and all seemed well.”~~Excellent example of “adulting”! Sometimes kids need to see that, even if one is pissed off, one can act in an adult manner and be civil.
“Today, three days after the incident, there are rumors of the other kid preparing a counter-attack, and he's been said to have tear gas or pepper spray which he is planning to use in order to later beat my son up with some friends. I am not sleeping these nights because I expect school to phone me any moment and tell me that something really bad has happened to him.”~~If you have some solid proof of allegations, then take that to the law, and get a restraining or protection order.
“We've talked to Sary and told him that he shouldn't have reacted to the verbal insult like he did, and that people with bad language aren't even worth listening to.”~~Good advice, well worth repeating.
“We've also told him that trouble with the police can destroy his future and because he's a top student he won't be able to have the job he wants if he has a case in the police.”~~One incident at the age of 16 will not ruin his record.
“But my worry is that the other guy(s) is going to come for him anyway.”~~Again, restraining order, if you have proof.
“And what even worries me more is that my son has a black belt in karate and he can easily finish the others off if he wants. I guess that's why he underestimated his powers in the first place by breaking the nose in one second. Meaning that he'll be looked upon as the violent guy in the end that is to be blamed for all.”~~If your son is TRULY a black belt, then he ALSO understands and practices the discipline of the art…which includes mastering turning and walking away. If he has not mastered that, then he is not a black belt. He can exert his discipline upon his emotions.
“I want my son to be able to stand up for himself, but I don't want him to get involved in violent clashes. I really don't know what to do. And I go to work expecting my phone to ring any moment.”~~Parenting in a nutshell, is a fine balancing act.

Stop blaming the other kid, and his parents for the entire incident. Your son is responsible for his actions, and should have exerted the control that a black belt is expected to have mastered.

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Dove - posted on 03/08/2016

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When my son is a teenager... if another kid broke his nose... that kid would be in jail.

That's all I have to say here.

Sarah - posted on 03/08/2016

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Geez o Pete! (as my dear departed mom used to say) Wise up! Your son did commit assault (be thankful he can learn this at 16 not 18)
Rumors are rumors, if your child needs to defend himself it will be justified.
I deal with fights every single day and the retaliation rumors. The rumors, are just that, rumors. Rarely in my enormous district do I encounter secondary attack. Once the discipline for the primary offense is enforced, the kids calm down.
Again Shawnn sums this up well and I agree with her opinion

Ev - posted on 03/08/2016

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I agree with Shawnn's assessment of this whole issue. The boy threw the punch and broke another kid's nose. The mother of the other kid had the right to inform the police of it as it is an assault no matter the reason. Here in the States, kids get suspended or expelled for this kind of action no matter if they hold a black belt in some martial arts or not. But given he is a teenager there are hormones present that are running a muck but it is not a good reason to make light of his actions. If it were my son who did this, he would be at the blunt end of my response to it. My son has issues with anger as it is let alone to be picked on and so on. In school he was picked on a lot but HE NEVER hit another kid over it...he turned the cheek the other way so to speak and he had raging hormones too. He and I had discussed his anger and how to handle it all the way from being a small child. He has his dad's quick temper but he has my ability to curb it. At times when he got angry I would talk to him for a couple hours to get him calmed down. It worked but it took a lot. If this kid is a black belt, then he should have stuck to the teachings of the martial arts he is trained in which most of them I am familiar with do not teach you to use it unless for defense.

Lindy - posted on 03/08/2016

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I would contact the school with these rumors. The principal and staff need to be made aware of this so that they can be on the lookout and take proper precautions by hopefully getting the counselor involved. Of course, this might be all hype but the way things are today in schools and society caution is the best policy. When speaking with the school remain very calm and informative.

I am glad that your son has a black belt and that he can protect himself. Yes, he should have never hit someone for calling him a name or insulting him. He is learning a lesson that is very hard to learn. Knowing what he has been taught in his defense lessons over the years I know it has been drilled into him to not respond unless seriously threatened physically, but teenage years are one of many emotions and hormones.

Parenting is very difficult and it is hard to know when to step in and when to let things take their natural course. Remain supportive of your son, encourage him to remember self-restraint, and share your concerns with the school administration.

Please let us know what happens.

I am praying for you, your son and the others involved.

Michelle - posted on 03/08/2016

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It sounds like you are blaming everything on the other child. Your son was in the wrong, end of story.
What punishment did your son get for breaking another child's nose? What did YOU do about it?
Why should the other Mother be "wise and understanding", your son broke her son's nose!!! Do you not understand that it's assault?
Like Jodi said, if you have evidence about what this other boy is planning then go to the police.

My son has been on the receiving end of a lot of bullying since he started high school. Just today I had to pick him up because another child threw a rock at his head. He has been verbally abused as well but hasn't laid a finger on his bullies, he knows they aren't worth it. Last year I had to pick him up because he got punched in the jaw, he still didn't retaliate. My son also knows that if I found out he had laid a finger on someone else he would have me to deal with.

Jodi - posted on 03/07/2016

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Um, I beg your pardon, but don't insinuate the other parent is not wise and understanding. Your kid broke her kid's nose! She has a right to file an assault charge against your son, and I would do the same if someone did that to my child. Whatever the insult, your child was not the wise one here - he should never have laid a hand on that other child. Now he is dealing with the consequences of that situation. They also have the right to sue, should they need someone to cover the costs of the medical bills, so a police report provides them of evidence of the incident.

Now, if you have reasonable information that this other child is planning something, and you have some level of evidence around that, then you can also file a police complaint. However, ultimately, your son needs to maintain some level of maturity and not react violently unless it is clearly in self-defence.

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