My 16 year old has been sneaking around to talk to her biological father. He has not been around since she was 2. My husband adopted her when she was 5. While I understand wanting to know the unknown it is breaking my heart and my husbands too. She is just being a jerk. I told her when she was 18 she could find him. She said she doesn't have to live here. Grrrr I am so frustrated!
â« Shawnn âªâ«â« - posted on 03/06/2013
If he signed his parental rights over, that's one thing. BUT, if there was NOT a no contact order in place as well, he's well within his rights to attempt contact with HIS biological child. You can be as upset as you want, but the reality is that she deserves to know her father and make her own decisions about him.
You can't push your opinion of him off on her and expect her to totally accept it. That's just not realistic.
If there WAS a no contact order, and he's violated that, then take steps, but she still has every right on earth to know who her biological father is.
~â¥Little Miss - posted on 03/06/2013
You have NO RIGHT to tell you daughter she cannot know her bio father until a certain age. SHE is not the one being a jerk. She just wants to know where she came from. Has her father TRIED to contact her all these years??? Maybe it is because of your rules they have not gotten a chance to connect. It is HER bio father.
Vanessa - posted on 03/05/2013
I imagine you must be feeling really hurt, unappreciated and a little betrayed right? For sure. But I remember being 16, and doing all sorts of sneaky things too. So my mother, after being hurt by me, turned away from me. And that was a big mistake. Protect your daughter. I'm wondering if you ought to give her a little freedom, with you and your husbands careful and observant GUIDANCE, so that she can develop this critical and mysterious relationship . Don't let it be a secret. Get it out in the open. Invite the bio-father over to be on your grounds. You and your husband have been her parents, she knows that. And your still her parents. She's just sixteen, and emotionally undeveloped. Help her answer these questions. Act with love on her behalf. Someday she will grow up and become a complete adult and she will remember clearly who was there for her and who was not.
I have not kept her from him. He signed away his rights. She is legally adopted by my husband. I tried to encourage him to have a relationship with her for 3 years after our divorce. He saw her twice in that time. He is the one who looked for her. I don't bash him even though I'd like too. As for her knowing him until we split. Not really. He was in the military and we only lived together 2months after he got out when she was 2. Let me also add that he had been home with no communication for 4 months before I even knew he was out. At that point I tried to make it work but drugs were more important to him.
â« Shawnn âªâ«â« - posted on 03/05/2013
While I don't necessarily condone her sneaking, I also do not understand why you denied her access to her father for the last 11 years! The child has 2 biological parents, and she deserves to know her father. And you, at the very least, owe her that. Yes, she did owe you the respect of being honest with you as well, but lets look at this from her POV.
Let's see...you've kept her from her father for 11 years. I'm sure that you feel that your reasons for doing so are good ones, most mothers who deny their children access to their biological parents do think they have a good reason...which, when examined further, usually is a selfish reason. In your daughter’s POV, he must have been good enough for you to go to have sex with him and create a child, so she cannot understand now why you deny her the right to see and know the man, especially since she DID know him until you split. And don’t blow off the relationship because you think she’d be “too young” to remember him...because she obviously did, to go searching now.
Yes, I realize that your new husband has taken responsibility for her. Did her father actively sign away his rights so that a formal adoption could occur? If so, and he contacted her, then you have a legal stand to take, but if he did not, or if SHE contacted him, you have to respect her wishes to know her biological parent.
And, as much as you are going to not like this one bit, did you know that in most states in the US, a minor child can apply for emancipation at the age of 16? So, if you are living in the US, she may have that option, which would make her statement of “she doesn’t have to live there” a true one. And, if she’s been in contact with her biological father, and has decided that she now wants to live with him, a judge would consider the biological relationship in most cases.
Your baby is growing up. At this point, you’d be better off to have an open, honest dialog with her about your concerns. You have to be able to do this WITHOUT bashing her father. Visit with her to find out why she wanted to seek him out. Find out how SHE is thinking, and work with her towards a solution, rather than shutting down and simply refusing to either listen to her or compromise.
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