My 17 year old daughter is a single mum and driving me insane

Julie - posted on 01/31/2014 ( no moms have responded yet )

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My daughter got pregnant at 15 and although we weren't happy and discussed the alternatives with her my husband and i agreed to support her in her decision to keep the baby but since she gave birth she has gotten out of control. We decided early on that it was important that our daughter had as much of a normal teenage life as possible while still taking responsibility for her own daughter, this meant that my husband who works from home would care for the baby while she finished school and went on to college, we also take care of the baby every other weekend while she goes out with her friends and sometimes stays over at a friends house, her friends have always been welcome in our house. Our rules were that when she comes home she takes over with her daughter, no boys in the bedroom and she does not stay at boys houses (the second two rules were always in place but unfortunately where there is a will there is a way). My daughter has pushed the boundaries as far as she possibly can asking to stay out on her half day at college etc. The problem is my daughter is now ruling the house completely and i don't understand how we got to this, she has decided i am controlling her, life is a continuous argument, she will come to our room when we are in bed and ask for something and if we say no she will refuse to leave and continuously nag us to until we are forced to give in just so that we can get some sleep, she has hit me and screams at us all of the time. I am not allowed to advise her on how to care for the baby because 'she wants to learn from her own mistakes' (baby has rolled of the bed and had a few bumps but is still left on the bed) . She is very immature and is not very good at dealing with people over the phone - she has never arranged a doctors appointment or taken her daughter to the doctor alone to the extent i came home from work one day to find my granddaughter continuously wheezing and nothing had been done about it - this resulted in an overnight stay in hospital for a viral wheeze. Although i know she loves her child and tries to care for her in my opinion it is basic care she makes sure she is fed bathed and clothed (although she does not do her laundry until she has no clean clothes left and i am now not allowed to do this either) she does not play with the baby, talk to her or stimulate her, she can usually be found with baby on her lap while daughter is on laptop or texting, or she will be on the floor alone with toys. It is the fact i tried to advise and help my daughter to learn how to play with her child that has gotten me banned from almost all contact with my granddaughter unless it suits my daughter.
We have gotten to the point where we stopped saying no to my daughter because we couldn't cope with the sleep deprivation and violence any more, we hoped that if we let her go her own way she would calm down and realise what she was doing in short we were at the end of the line (big mistake). A couple of weeks ago my daughter stayed overnight at the home of her boyfriend of 4 weeks, she has been taking him in her bedroom and now she wants to take the baby to stay at his house for the weekend and i am out of my mind. During the summer i called the social services when my daughter hit me, i was hoping for support (another mistake). We got a mediation session during which it was made clear that while i am responsible for decisions regarding my daughter she is responsible for decisions regarding hers. This is something that my daughter has abused as i mentioned she does not accept our decisions and now because we didn't stop her staying at her boyfriends she says she is going to take her child to stay there and there is nothing we can do. I have never met the boys family but did try to talk to the boys mother on the phone tonight but i just got screamed at and told that i bully my daughter and should let her live her own life she needs help and support and to get away from me.
If anyone has been in a similar situation or has any advice for me i would really appreciate it i feel that i have completely lost my daughter but am frightened for my granddaughter who is a delight and fortunately a very easy happy little girl.

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