My 17 year old out of control

Nadine - posted on 06/30/2016 ( 39 moms have responded )

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We have just had to let our 17 year old go, not because we don't love him but because we do. But we can no longer enable him to sell our stuff, abuse us with words, punch walls and doors. Smash cell phones.
I cry every night and I hope we are doing the right thing. He has told us that he wants no rules and that he is moving out and becoming independent (with no money no education no job) but rings us every day for money we reply by saying no - get a job - was he has heard that we get abused and phone put down. Blocked on Facebook etc. He has even told us to change his surname as he does not want to hear or see us ever again.
After that last message I sent him this (you have a home a mom dad and brother that love you. Until you realise that we can not help you.
Its so hard. but I can not longer enable his bad rude behaviour I would be creating a monster. I hope we have a happy ending.

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Lindy - posted on 07/08/2016

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Nadine,

I am so very sorry for all you are going through.

Here is a quote from an article I found: "Tough love means allowing the consequences of bad decisions to be fully experienced by one who is making them. It also means that your child knows a parent's love for him is so deep and secure that it will never die. Never give up hope, never stop praying, and never slam the door on reconciliation and restoration when your child comes to his senses."

Here is the rest of the article: http://bit.ly/29ASarX
It is with Focus On the Family online.

Maybe you can find a support group with other moms who are in your situation. Going to get your son can be dangerous, but I do know that one of my friends rescued her daughter from a drug relationship, however it did not happen until she ended up in prison. This family went before the judge and pleaded for the right to put the child in a drug rehabilitation facility program. Is there anything like this where you live?

Lynette - posted on 07/05/2016

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But I'm sure he knows there are consequences to his decisions! There is nothing u can do besides talk to him, and guess what? He will not listen! At that age they think they know it all! It sounds like something will have to happen for him to change his behavior . And I'm not saying something hasty happen bad to him, maybe someone he knows might get arrested or something ! Just seems like he has a hard head

Lynette - posted on 07/05/2016

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You are giving him tough love! It may be hard, but he'll thank u later, pray for him

Nadine - posted on 07/05/2016

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My daughter was diagnosed with ODD at 13. We have going through all this, and then some. Sometimes all you can do is stand back, let them make mistakes, knowing you will be there when they are ready. I love my daughter dearly, but remember well the sleepless nights, not knowing where she was. She was in a few group homes, got expelled from several different schools. Sometimes you can do all the right things, and it still seems like nothing works out. The best advice I can give you is to be there. Not to give him money, let him learn by his actions, and hope he will turn back to you. NOW my daughter is 25, has a good career. We are very close. But some days I never thought she would ever talk to me again, because I had to be tough, and she would cut me off, block my number, etc. because I would not let her just live at home and make her own rules. Because I would not give her money when she wanted it. You are doing the right thing, and eventually I hope he will see that down the line. All the best.

Teresa - posted on 07/04/2016

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Send him to military school. They will make him stay and teach him a few manners

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Nadine - posted on 07/09/2016

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Morning All, my boy arrived home last night with being on the streets for 16 days. His very thin . I gave him food and left him alone. I think the best thing I can do is not ask to many questions and just see.

Nadine - posted on 07/05/2016

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Very hard headed. I know it's what we have to do but I just want to go pull him out but that will just push him future away.

Nadine - posted on 07/05/2016

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We are. But our concerns are that he is selling drugs as we have heard he has been seen with a lot of cash.
We are so concerned about his mental state of mind.

Nadine - posted on 07/04/2016

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Morning Teresa, thats what we wanted to do - but in NZ they do not have that. He has got a good foundation but a very spoilt brat that expects everything to be given to him and if it doesn't then he has the biggest tantrums. Last week he throw the 4th iPhone because he wanted more birthday presents.
We are trying very hard and since he moved out for his so called independence we have not given him a cent.
and because of this he blocked us and told us to change his surname as he does not want to carry the last name of us and has been sleeping on a couch at a drug dealers apartment. If his is what he classes as independent while i am not sure what to say. At 17 it seems that we get no support from the police. and we are on our own. Horrible to say the best is to watch him fall, then pick him up if he asks for help at the moment he thinks begging for money in the afternoon is a great life.
Our hearts are so sore.

Sofia - posted on 07/03/2016

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They will do something about someone who uses drugs and kids to deal her drugs

Nadine - posted on 07/03/2016

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Hey Guys, just a quick one - I believe my son is staying with a lady by the street name Dragon. She allows kids to stay there as long as they provide drugs for her. Her place is dirty and I believe from a street child that the stabbed her husband - what should I do ????????

Ev - posted on 07/02/2016

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{{Evelyn Witt, It seems like to me that Nadine has tried several things: "We tried a few things
1. Bail conditions
2. Crefew
3 taking a few things away

Nothing worked.”

It is very hard to raise a child that is strong willed and determined to disobey. Unless you have had a child like this you will never know and always assume the parent must be doing something wrong.}}

*****Lindsey--
I have a hard headed strong willed son. He was also diagnosed with Autsim at 11 years old. He also had learning delays and issues. He has a temper that can get out of control easily. He has little patience for a lot of things. He also gave me a hard time growing up at times. I never assumed she did anything wrong. I know she did what she could do but her son will learn the hard way and have a big surprise as well when he starts dealing with other people. WHen he can not get what he wants when he wants it a fit is not going to get him anywhere. And he will learn the hard way how to really deal with life. In none of my posts did I say she did anything wrong. Maybe something more. My son though I started working with him before he got into school. Before he had the diagnosis of Autism. He is high functioning though. I did the same things she did by taking things away, not allowing him to go places or do things outside home, curfew and so on. Did not have to deal with Bailing him out of jail or juvenile hall either. I worked my bum off to make sure he learned his lessons when he had to learn them the hard way and learn them in the fashion I wanted to teach him in. I was also the non-custodial parent too. Dad did not do much with my kids as he should have having them most of the time in our joint custody. He had primary care. The ONLY reason for that was so the kids would have a stable life and peace of mind because I did not want them to have to suffer anymore. And now at 19 almost 20 he is doing well, working, graduated with good grades, and saving money for his car. He had a lot of learning issues as I said and had a hard time working through them which would frustrate him beyond measure. His anger comes quickly and I have had a hard time helping him work through that anger to learn to calm down over the years. So I know what it is like to have a tough child to deal with.

Nadine - posted on 07/02/2016

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It's easy said not easy done. We know he is not ready and we hope he stays out of the police sight and we can only pray that he contacts us for help.

Sofia - posted on 07/02/2016

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I think you are doing everything right. Perhaps a little distance like not responding to phone calls, email etc. And sell the car and other things. The rest is up to him.

Nadine - posted on 07/02/2016

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At 16 they have the right to leave school and at 17 they have the right to leave home. NZ law sucks

Sofia - posted on 07/02/2016

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You are doing everything right and probably have done too much in the past. Isn't it considered truancy to skip school. Perhaps the police can take him back to school. And you may want to sell the car. Make a statement, sounds like it's good that he doesn't have a license.

Nadine - posted on 07/02/2016

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No he left school . Has no education no job no money no drivers licence.
We enrolled him to an online course he won't do. We bought him a car for an incentive to get his licence . The car is sitting in our drive way.
He is happier begging for money and sleeping on a friends couch or even a strangers.
He is trying to prove to us that he is independent. But rings almost every day for money and we gave to say NO .get a job.
It's hard but if we give how can he learn.
We say come home so we can help you he then blocks out from communication.

Sofia - posted on 07/02/2016

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Yes, I understand. I am sorry, I have been on both sides.... You aren't supposed to take more. Is he in school? Can the school councellor do something? Or can you get him into a 'live on your own' type program? And that way he will be forced to be responsible

Nadine - posted on 07/02/2016

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He moved out due to rules, we look for him every day and when we do find him. He won't come home he is trying to show us that his independent. We did not throw him out. He did not want rulesome and did not want to answer for things he had done. ONCE AGAIN WE DID NOT THROW HIM OUT. We only want the best for him. When he comes home if he does he will be welcomed again even if he steals from us pushes holes in the wall bears on me as that is my son. But how much more can you take

Sofia - posted on 07/02/2016

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He's a child. Take him back and get him help. Kicking him out does not turn him around, unless he---was smart and resourceful. Bring him back on the condition he get into therapy

Nadine - posted on 07/02/2016

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Hi lindy
I have not given up hope that he will grow up and return to us.
At this point he feels sleeping on strangers couches and begging for money is called independence. I have been praying every day that he grows up soon before in gets into trouble with the law. He has no more chances.
He only turned 17 on the 29 June still a baby and very immature.
I pray and I have tried everything to guide him to the correct future.
Thanks for your kind words

Lindy - posted on 07/02/2016

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Nadine,

I found several articles on a Focus on the Family website about a rebellious teen. One help with how to deal with the child after they are gone. These might help you: here is the link: http://bit.ly/1UVeWsU

Lindy - posted on 07/02/2016

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Evelyn Witt, It seems like to me that Nadine has tried several things: "We tried a few things
1. Bail conditions
2. Crefew
3 taking a few things away

Nothing worked.”

It is very hard to raise a child that is strong willed and determined to disobey. Unless you have had a child like this you will never know and always assume the parent must be doing something wrong. We did so much to get our son to obey, and tried to be as consistent as possible. We had a counselor suggest that we call and have him taken in through the juvenile courts as it seems Nadine did do. I never was able to do this; I didn’t want to involve the courts, but I was told I could give them a call and that it was better than seeing my son make drastic wrong choice that would probably end him up in prison one day. We also took things away and took events/activities away, etc. I had him do extra chores. Set up reward systems. Tried many positive reinforcements and had him go to counseling himself. Nothing worked for us. Some people actually have to learn the hard way.

Sadly, it does end up hurting the person very much. One of my friends son who was bound and determined to go his own way, eventually ended up with a drug crowd and a guy who murdered a person in a drug deal. Since her son did not immediately call the police but was so frightened he went back to the hotel and didn’t call or leave when the guy was in the shower, he is now serving a 20 year term in prison for murder. Of course, now he has completely turned his life around.

I hurt for both Nadine, her whole family and her son. I also hope for her that they do have a happy ending. We continually prayed for our son. I still do today, and have many others pray for him. I believe in the fact that prayer cover can really protect a child from harm, but the child still has a freewill and there comes a time in life when a parent can not be held responsible for the actions of their child. Nadine has reached this time.

Nadine - posted on 07/02/2016

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Hi Evelyn
We did not throw him out he moved out on his 17th birthday to become independent but is sleeping from one friend to the other. He is still having tantrumsome as he asks for money and we say no.
We have tried councilling with him but I am still going through councilling with MST.
Our son just wanted everything if we did not give it he had big tantrums, stole, broke things or ran away for days. It like a game to him.

Ev - posted on 07/02/2016

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Nadine--
I have to say that he is close to 18 and adult hood. You pushing him out of the house at 17 and still responsible for him legally is not a good thing but I can understand the need to do something. Have you tried counseling in the past or anything that could have been an intervention for the famiy? Now it is basically to late to make those changes depending on when he turns 18 because after that he is an adult in the legal sense and will be responsible for his life.

Lindy - posted on 07/02/2016

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Precious Nadine,

My husband and I have been through a similar situation. It was so hard for my husband. We ended up going to a few weeks of marriage counseling not for our marriage but to help us get support in the right decision we made and to help my husband recognize why it was so hard on him (his father rejected in the last four years of his life).

I want to encourage you that while this is very hard you did the right thing. I even told my son to go to the salvation army if friends did not take him in. It is so hard to do this, but there comes a time when a young person needs to know you cannot tolerate such behavior. Do you know why he is acting out in such a way?

With him being 17, you might have even been able to get assistance with juvenile department but personally I would have used that as a last resort.

It took a little time but we are working on a right relationship with our son and have held to our family rules and boundaries. We have two children that slightly younger than him and we had to establish a good example.

Nadine - posted on 07/01/2016

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Well since last week he blocked us from faceb9ok smashed his phone so we have no idea where he is or what he is doing. He also has a court fine and if not paid will become a warrant of arrest. Do we just let him bump his head or do we try and guide him to the light

Nadine - posted on 07/01/2016

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Because of the stealing we put him through the youth court system. Bail conditions were applied due to this . We tried our best to be consistent with our rules however he had totally disregard for them and most times ran away.

Nadine - posted on 07/01/2016

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Hi Evelyn

We tried a few things
1. Bail conditions
2. Crefew
3 taking a few things away

Nothing worked.

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