My 17 year old son and 20 year old daughter

[deleted account] ( 4 moms have responded )

I see that so many mothers are saying the exact same things that I am overwhelmed with... the tears I have shed for my children who love me one minute and could forget about me the next. Taking my kindness and generosity and devotion for granite. God opened my eyes to His truth and love through the Holy Spirit in 9/2011, and this has radically transformed me, giving me peace, patience and endurance but they break my heart so much, causing me much grief when they disrespect me, act like i don't exist or act like they can't stand for me to be around. My son is now 17, wanting to be with his grandmother, who doesn't tell him what to do, and has admitted that he likes the freedom to go as he pleases. I have begged him to stay and that he could have a key to the fence, the doors and come and go as he pleased as long as he stayed here. I miss him, dreadfully and I know he is not doing mean things, rather, he works at mcdonalds, full time, and still goes to school to finish 12th grade... He is an honor student, with a huge longing for an extensive career in the technological field of video games. He hates that I have Godly rules for him to follow, like not watching secular tv, other than what I have programmed on his tv, like the cooking channel, Fox News, Animal Planet, History and the Home Improvement channel. I don't allow him to watch anything at night, when he is going to sleep, except for the Christian channel, so that as he is sleeping, he might have dreams of Jesus Christ, heaven, angels, revelation, etc... but I know he hates that he can't just keep it on what he wants. And, he is not allowed to listen to any music, except for Christian, because that is the only thing I will listen to and this is a house to serve the Lord. I was an atheist, and raised him and my 20 year old daughter the same way, but now he likes it and he hates it, just as she likes it and hates it... they like it because of what it has done to me and how it has healed my marriage with their stepfather, and what God has proven to be new in Him and they feel secure that I am representing Christ but they are still in their own mind frame that leads them to rebel due to the fact that its momma who is new now and not just a friend of theirs or someone a celebratie. I wont give up God because He is the only reason we are here, to be saved and to establish His Kingdom on earth as it is in heaven, until He returns to rid this world of satan and sin, forever and renewing all the heavens and earth, as all the saved in Christ will be with God, forever in awesomeness... but, I loose my conviction of sin at times, cussing, crying, calling their father and stepmother names because they are always making Devin feel that it is wrong of me to not push him to be better in school, but I only get him every other weekend and he is making a's and b's and c's, considering that he is in all honor classes... I think those grades are amazing! I can't fuss at him and he does so good... they have told him for several years that if he doesn't make straight a's and b's then he can't have more time with me. Devin gave up on this about a year ago... now that he has a job, they are calling me telling me that i have no right to tell devin he can't work on my weekend and I am not surprised that they do this but i am so tired of it... and my son just bows to their wishes after he got the car that his fathers grandmother got him and that they pay the insurance before. If I let Devin work on my weekends, then I literally wont have anytime with him and they will make him feel that i am in the wrong, just like they did today. also, devin only goes to church because of me... his father nor anyone else in his family goes to church. This is tearing me up and making my husband burning mad... I am sick of it and I know God will see things through because if I was still an atheist, I would be sitting in jail right now, due to the fact that everytime they were being cruel to my son or daughter and I would try to defend them, then they would not let my children call me, as court ordered, and lie on me all the time... and so on and so on... i don't have hate for them but fear of what they will do next... im scared so much that they will tell devin that he wants to keep seeing me then he will have to make a choice to quit his job, give back the care and then he can see me and then tell him that if he doesn't see me then he can keep the car and keep going to work... It is court ordered that he is to be with me on every other weekend, and i still pay child support but i am weary and do not trust the courts nor them, which leaves me feeling that if devin chooses to not see me for the sake of a car and a job, then i'll have to accept this pain and give it to God, thanking God that atleast he is 17 now and not a baby and that he is old enough to take care of himself... but i know that all the mothers on here are hurting for their babies and this is what i am scared i will have to go through all over again


Jodi - posted on 03/08/2015




From what I can see, you are trying to make too many choices FOR your children. They are right. You can't ask your son not to work on your weekends, that is his choice. Are you the one requesting this? That isn't fair to then suggest they have given the ultimatum, because actually, it is you who has given this ultimatum.

I can understand why you want to provide your children with a good Christian upbringing, but I think you are being far to strict on their choices and limiting their ability to make their own good choices. Controlling the music a young adult can listen to, the tv shows a young adult can watch, when they can work and can't, you are essentially stripping them of any of your trust for them to make good choices on their own, even if they may not be your choices. You can't continue to dictate what your children choose as they grow older, and if you DO continue to restrict them so severely, you need to expect them to start pulling away.

Personally, as a 17 - 20 year old, I wouldn't want to come to your house either. I am not saying that to be nasty, I am responding to your concerns with honesty from a different perspective. I am sorry for your pain, but this high level of control and restriction does result in such actions by our young adult children. If you want them to embrace your home and feel welcome there (which clearly they don't right now) you need to learn a little more flexibility.


View replies by

Raye - posted on 03/09/2015




I agree with the others. It's good that you have found something that has strengthened yourself and your marriage. But you're trying to impose too much on your son. You don't like the demands his father and step-mother put on him, but yet you put demands on him, too. Getting him to go to church is fine. But, restricting his music and TV choices so much is not fine. You can tell him that you prefer him not to watch shows or listen to music that portrays sex and violence, and then leave it up to him to decide whether he will respect your wishes. And he should be able to work the days he wants to work. If that means he doesn't spend time with you, then that's the choice HE has made. He's 17 and nearly an adult. When he's 18, he's likely to tell the whole lot of you controlling ninnies to bugger off.

Trisha - posted on 03/09/2015




You're children being over 17 are not going to want to spend time with you during the weekend, regardless of how well you get along. They are almost adults. They will want to be out with friends, or working, developing themselves into responsible adults.
The restrictive upbringing that you are forcing on your children will definitely push them away, especially if at first you were atheist.
This change in focus all the sudden is extreme, and personally, seems almost a bit on the psychotic side.
I REALLY don't want to offend you, because I know that religion is very important to some people, and I have the utmost respect for people who have religion in their life, but is there any history of mental illness for you? It could be that they are pulling away from you, not because of religion, but because of your metal state.

Ev - posted on 03/08/2015




I am not hurting for my children. I raised them with the best of my ability, the best I could teach of the values, morals, and beliefs that I have (Christian based), and to have the trust in them that they will do the right things. Once they hit 18 years old they are old enough in the eyes of the law to make their own choices and they will. I do not know how long till your son is 18 years old but, once he gets there he is going to make his own choices and do what he thinks is best. He is going to make mistakes and so will your daughter and they will be lessons that they have to learn. At this stage of life you can not force them to think as you do. You can hope that what you have instilled in them keeps them on the right path.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms