My 18, unexperienced, year old daughter wants to move out.

Susan - posted on 01/19/2016 ( 10 moms have responded )

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My daughter just turned 18 on January 15. She has graduated from high school early (this week). She has NEVER had a job, nor has she had a drivers license. She said she didn't feel the pressing need to obtain a drivers license and, as for a job, she said she applied everywhere but no one hired her. She now wants to move out with a 20 year old boy who has dropped out of college and says he wants to "open a business" and wants her to join him. When I asked her what their plans are for getting this business off the ground, she says they have been checking out many online companies that can help them. I asked her how she plans on paying for an apartment and she tells me he said he will cover her until she gets a job; however, he's NOT working! Needless to say, I am extremely distressed by this and I don't know which way to turn! I have spent the last three days depressed and crying and feeling like something horrible is about to happen. Any one have any advise on how I can cope with this? Had she been moving away to go to college, I would be depressed a bit, but would not feel this horrible doom feeling I have because I would know she was doing something to better herself. I just feel as though she is ruining her life and I don't know what to do! Maybe if she had a job and a drivers license I would feel she was mature enough to give it a try, but I would rather she try it without this guy. I would appreciate any word of encouragement or ideas of how I can possibly dissuade her from this. thank you from a broken hearted Mom!

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Jodi - posted on 01/19/2016

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The worst that can happen is she won't like adulting as much as she thought she would, she'll fail at it and come home until she is ready to try her wings out again. She's 18, you can't really stop her moving out of home, and neither can you stop her moving out with this guy. Just let her know you wish her the best, and that there will be a room at home for her if things don't work out, and most of all, let her know you love her and want the best for her.

Then, take a step back and let her learn. I get she has no experience, but she won't unless you allow her to go out and get it. It may be a mistake.......but that's how we learn. From our mistakes and successes. You can't shelter your daughter from life.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/19/2016

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Full agreement with the rest here, with this addition: Don't stress about the driver's license. MANY adults don't drive, and don't even have a license, and it's not that big a deal.

Parenting is difficult in the transition from 'kid' to 'adult'. Yes, they make some dumb choices, but...so did we, really, as we learned our way in the world. My eldest was extremely self sufficient, etc, and had great success getting out on his own. My youngest...well, lets just say that if I don't end up in an institution by the end of this ride, I'll be amazed! LOL

Let her know you're there. Let her know you'll be willing to help within reasonable limits, but that she needs to be prepared for the expense of being an adult, and in that regard, you'd like to 'offer her some advice'. Don't make it about how you are sure they aren't making the right choice, but about "this is how you look for a place to live". "This is how you start to handle finances"...things like that.

Michelle - posted on 01/19/2016

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I agree with the other ladies. Make sure she knows your door is always open.
In regards to your comment, they will soon learn that it is expensive going out on their own. When they start looking for places to rent and realize they don't have money for bond they may shelf the idea for a while.
Maybe even sit down with her and look online at what is available to rent. Work out a minimum that they will need to be earning to be able to pay the bills. It may just wake them up.
Yes, they do need to make their own mistakes, we all have,but they will soon learn that it's hard work being an adult.

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Susan - posted on 01/21/2016

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I have had many conversations with her about living on the street. She has this crazy fantasy that it would be ok because someone would lend them a hand sooner or later. I tried to explain there are people out there that take advantage of people living on the street and she just replies with "I'm not stupid Mom"...so, that has me scared. Again, this all started when this boy came in to her life. Prior to meeting him, as I said in past posts, she was looking at college and even talking about buying our home when we were ready to sell because she grew up there. Somehow, this boy has her believing they can perform miracles....open a coffee shop, get an apartment, etc, etc. He hasn't been able to do anything for himself since he dropped out of college, but he is now involving my daughter in his fantasies (or should I say delusions). And what is really killing me is that I have always tried to instill upon her to depend on HERSELF and not need the help of anyone once she is out in the world. I told her she cannot be happy until she is happy with who she is and that she can take care of herself. Up until this bozo, she has always been what I raised her to be (so far). I am just beyond despair! All I do is pray and pray that she comes to her senses before it's too late.
Thank you, everyone of you, for all your wonderful advise and kind words; I truly appreciate all of you and this blog. Please pray for my baby!

Andrea - posted on 01/21/2016

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I was in agreement with what everyone was saying until I saw your comment "Neither of them are opposed to "living on the street" ".

Did you have a conversation with her about it?

Dove - posted on 01/19/2016

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I only think a license is a big deal cuz we have crap public transportation and some pretty isolated neighborhoods (so 'you' would be stranded w/out your own car and license). ;) i know lots of areas are different though.

Jodi - posted on 01/19/2016

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I think being parent of a young adult is scary. Personally, I am, in many ways, finding it more difficult than being the parent of a teen (and ten times harder than being the parent of a toddler, LOL). As a parent of an adult, we no longer have a say in their choices about life......unless they ask us for our opinion. And that is scary, because our life experience has taught us. We can see the mistakes they are making, we can see their inexperience, it is so obvious to us.

I find myself frequently reminding myself of the choices I made at that age, and how grown up I thought I was at that age, and that although I did make some poor choices, it has actually turned out okay. It helps me take that step back. Yes, it is human nature to want more for our kids, but they will do what makes them happy, just as we did. It won't always work out. We just need to be there for them when it doesn't....just as our parents have been there for us (well, mine were anyway).

Susan - posted on 01/19/2016

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I have received very good advice from both Jodi and Dove, thank you so much. I guess my apprehension is that before this past weekend, she was talking about going to a community college to get a language credit she needed for a private college she and I visited...then, suddenly, she decides to move in with this boy, not pursue college, and follow his "dream" of opening a business. Neither have a job, a place to live, or finances or knowledge on opening a business! He just moved back to this area from a place he decided to move to to "start a business"...now he is back here, convincing my daughter they can start a business together! I guess you are both right, she needs to fail in order to learn, and one thing I am NOT trying to do is "shelter" her; just trying to help her not make a horrible mistake. Neither of them are opposed to "living on the street" so I am really afraid that will happen. Guess that's the "doom" I'm feeling.

Dove - posted on 01/19/2016

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I would also strongly encourage her to get her license (unless she's going to be somewhere w/ ample public transportation) because being able to drive gives a person an important freedom.

Dove - posted on 01/19/2016

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Just remind her that your door is always open for her. Let her know that many adults struggle to find their way and you will always be there for her (w/ specific guidelines) if she needs to come home.

She may very well fail and fall flat on her face, but if you tell her that in that way she may be even more determined to prove you wrong and not seek help from you if she needs it.

Try to keep her talking to you about her plans and perhaps make suggestions (if she's open to them). Many young adults 'crash and burn'. It's all part of the learning process.

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