My 19 year old daughter "lives" at home but is never home

Diane - posted on 01/26/2014 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Need help with my 19 year old daughter who thinks it's ok to have "sleep overs" (which consists of 99.9% of the time) mostly at her boyfriend's house. Even during the time her twin brother was home on leave from the military.

If she has a financial crisis she cries to me to help her. The crisis was caused by her bad judgment.

The rules are you are at home every night, she continues to tell me she's spending the night at her boyfriend's or her best friend's house. I am being unreasonable & treating her like she is 15 years old.

HELP!

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Jodi - posted on 01/26/2014

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Your rules are your rules. I personally wouldn't have them, but then, at that age, my kids would be expected to financially support themselves to some degree. Even my 16 year old has to pay his own phone bill and is saving to afford his own car because as far as I am concerned, if he wants those privileges, he can pay for them. I don't think you should be paying for everything for her. If she wants to be treated as an adult, then it is time to take on the responsibilities. The one thing I find about young people is that they seem to want all their rights (which is fair enough) but they don't want the responsibility. Our job as parents is to teach them that rights and responsibility go together. By continuing to support your daughter's lifestyle, you are not teaching her the responsibility.

Are you being unreasonable? No. But you do need to step back and stop enabling her. You want her to become an adult and yet continue to allow her to use you and treat her like she is 15. It is not doing her any favours in the long term. How is she going to learn?

Diane - posted on 01/26/2014

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Thanks for the honest reply. Question is, are my rules out of line? I don't want to make it about money. Unfortunately, being an "adult" means you take care of yourself financially. When you are looking for a partner in life, this is the 2nd thing (after attraction), I would look for. Are they able to take care of themselves financially.

She doesn't pay rent or contribute to the household in any manner. She's using my car while & I'm paying for a rental while her car is in the shop, I've covered her car insurance numerous times, her cell phone bill, even given her money for gas because she over spent. She has a job & is going to school. However, there is no gratitude only I am being unreasonable and a "b".

Jodi - posted on 01/26/2014

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Well, yeah, by expecting her home every night, you kind of are treating her like she is 15. However, your rules are your rules. Let her know that if she doesn't like the rules, she is welcome to move out. But expect that she probably will choose to move out. Make it clear to her that you are not her bank - if she moves out, she needs to be able to pay for it herself.

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