my 19 years old girl just packet her things and left

Grace - posted on 09/27/2016 ( 20 moms have responded )

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im heart broken . cant understand her .
dont know what to say
what to do . how to forgive her ......
we have rolls she feel sh eis big now she go to uni and she is doing good . im very proud of her . but all that time she was planing to move out with out even telling us . she just left ....
we gave her every thing .but we had rolls . and we were a unite a family . all for one and one for all .
just coz she started her uni and made friends she pack and go .
she trust them more then us???
how can it be?
what and how did we go wrong ? she dont even care about her littke sister that she left behind ......

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Sarah - posted on 09/30/2016

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You say "what went wrong .....we gave her all she wanted and more"
yes you may have given her what she wanted, but not what she NEEDED. She needed guidance, not a dictator. I am a mother of four, and at 46, don't feel old at all. In this house no dating until 16, and then is is a case by case basis. I want to still have the authority to say no to potential suitors...then over those 2 years my kids learn "how" to date. Entering into a relationship can be very tricky, choosing a good partner is a challenge. So in the 2 years I have before they turn 18, I work to guide them in finding balance in school, work, faith, and dating. Then, hopefully when they are 18 they will be ready to enter into relationships with a good solid foundation. I do push for waiting until marriage, but I realize that many kids will choose to not wait, so I have been diligent in teaching them to be safe, protect themselves and wait for it to be the right time for them.
So, maybe you just need to reach out to your daughter and talk to her! You don't need to buy your way back into her life.

Michelle - posted on 09/30/2016

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Seriously, you have a very distorted view of what your children need. You are buying her a flat and put $30,000 into her account.
You have more money than sense!!!!!!
You do realize that by giving her all of these things you are encouraging her to leave. She doesn't have to support herself so why wouldn't she want to move out and have you buy her everything?
You aren't teaching her anything about the real world by doing all of that.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/29/2016

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I have one child who just passed 22, and another 19, my dear grace, and I, myself am 46. So...your next argument?

I am going to be brutally honest: you are an overbearing parent who has unrealistic expectations of how an ADULT should behave. You don't seem to understand that your over the top restrictions of an adult are most likely the EXACT reasons that she packed up and left without a word.

You do not have to like what we are telling you, but I don't sugar coat shit. If you have raised your daughter well, she will have a good moral compass, will make good decisions for the most part ( no one is perfect) and she WILL survive and thrive. Just because she is dating doesn't automatically mean she is having sex, getting pregnant too young, or setting herself up for a shitty life, as you so quaintly phrase it.

My eldest has been on his own two feet since he was 19, and according to you, I should already be a grandparent, and he should have a shitty life...and yet he is still a virgin, has very strict ideas of what he is looking for in a relationship, which includes no premarital sex, and is moving forward

Dove - posted on 09/29/2016

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And to be brutally honest... I don't care what age a person is I do not think sex outside of marriage is the right choice. I have been raising my daughters w/ that same belief since they were very little and I 'hope' they stick w/ it (currently it's what they are interested in choosing... but I know from experience that life doesn't always happen the way you plan/want it). As for dating though... my rule is 16+ when they want to if they feel they are ready. Dating does not have to equal sex. I WANT them to start experiencing the one on one interactions w/ guys at least a little bit BEFORE they turn 18 (again, if they want)... while they are still young enough to be seeking guidance from me and other well trusted adults that are invested in their lives.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/30/2016

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What went wrong?

Why should she live at home when you are more than willing to continue to pour money at her! I would move out, and let you continue to give me my every little desire, whilst running amok and never taking responsibility...thank God my parents raised me better!

I agree with Michelle...if THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS is a drop in the bucket to you, you have more money than sense.

You also mention Cambodia and India. Is that your culture? If so that explains a lot. Neither of those cultures is fond of women being knowledgeable and independent.

Grace - posted on 09/29/2016

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thank you .
i agree with every word you all said . i just have a very hard time to get it in my little head .
we told her we are going to buy her a flat 2 bed room flat . she get to choice where she want if its in down town or the old city all up to her . she just started her universty . what went wrong .....we gave her all she wanted and more . she is just back from a week end in london . so freedom she have . she waa coming and going as she like . we are very friendly with our kids. and the friends they have ....who just pack and go ??? why ??? turn it any way you want . she choice to go -

Michelle - posted on 09/29/2016

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Well I'm over 40 myself so as you can see, we aren't young like your daughter. We are giving you advice from our own experiences.
Meeting people on the internet isn't actually a bad thing. I have met some really good friends and also met my husband online.
Like the other ladies have said, dating doesn't = sex, that's a choice for her to make. Sex doesn't always = babies as well. Hopefully you have talked about safe sex with her when she was a teen.
I can't preach no sex before marriage because I was pregnant with my 3rd child when I got married to my 2nd husband. I also wasn't a virgin when I married my 1st husband but I didn't have my 1st child until I was 26. I knew how to prevent pregnancy.
You need to educate your child to be able to live on her own and make good choices in life. She won't always be living in your home (as you have found out) but you can hope that you have raised her well enough to make the best choices.

Dove - posted on 09/29/2016

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I'm almost 40 years old and my teen daughters are almost 15 years old. They HAD Snapchat until their iPods were stolen (had them about 6-7 months). Yes, they had some idiot friends do some idiot things, but for the most part it was completely innocent 'chats' between friends. They know not to have internet interactions w/ people they don't know... because I've been teaching and guiding them about internet safety for a long time. They now will not get iPods or other such devices again under 18... not because I don't trust THEM, but because I no longer feel it is appropriate under 18, but... Once our children become 18 we are no longer capable of deciding ANY of their life decisions. We get the time to guide them appropriately under 18 and after that we need to trust that we did our job well and that our children will be OK even if they end up making decisions we do not agree w/ or understand.

You don't have to like it... but it's life and the sooner you accept that the sooner you can try and rebuild a relationship w/ your daughter based on mutual adult respect. Or you could keep going the way you have been and risk losing her forever. Your choice.

Jodi - posted on 09/29/2016

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Grace, I think you will find that most of the women here commenting on your post, including Dove, have adult or almost adult children. Just because we don't agree with you about your daughter's choices doesn't make us her age. We are far from it.....but as I push toward 50 myself, I certainly don't consider myself old. As Dove has said, Snapchat at this age is normal. Your daughter is legally considered an adult. You need to back off or you may lose her altogether. The only thing you can control are the rules in your home. You can't control the choice she makes to move out because she doesn't want to follow those rules, and if you continue to push her about this, she may decide to cut all ties with you.

Your decision to keep giving her money is your choice. But I do think making a condition of living in your home not dating is too harsh for a young adult. You are simply assuming that dating = sex, and that may not be what is going on - have you bothered to discuss this with her?

Grace - posted on 09/29/2016

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and 18 yr in my eyes do not need to date and have sex yet .
she can get her uni done and then do what ever she want
coz....if she fall in love with a boy now . and school will be put on hold . all the drama
then what have a baby and start life hard .
or maybe the boy will love her and it all going to work fine rainbow and unicorn life ....thats great . but sadly to say it dont really happend this way .
you get stuck with a kid and some shity job and life are shit and hard .
i have just put in 30.000 us dollars in her bank so i kno w she will be safe .
i just wish she finish her uni . and stand on her own two feet . coz i do not wana pick the peaces later on .

Grace - posted on 09/29/2016

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dea dove
i must ask how old are you ?
you might be as young as her
im old
and i dont get that my child takes pics of her self and send to defrent boys. on the net .
boys she dont even know.
maybe im wrong maybe im not . tahts how i feel about it .
and i think its crazy to meet some one of the net . but once again im old.

Dove - posted on 09/28/2016

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Snapchat is completely acceptable for an adult... and so is dating. She SHOULD be dating at 18+... you don't want her waiting and waiting and then deciding to marry the first guy she dates. Trust me... that ends in disaster way more often than it works out.

Jodi - posted on 09/28/2016

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No DATING until she finishes uni? I can understand a rule about no boys staying over in your house, but no dating? That's just not natural. I can understand now why she probably decided she was done. That sounds unreasonable.

And it was probably "Snapchat". Honestly, at 19, snapchat is normal.

I don't know where you live, or the culture you come from, so I'm trying to to judge - I do understand different cultures have different expectations, but your daughter is an adult and trying to assert her independence. You need to let her have more freedom. Her decision to leave sounds like the result of no freedom to be a normal young adult.

Michelle - posted on 09/28/2016

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You can't control what apps she has on her phone.
She has probably left because you can't accept that she is an adult and make her own life choices.
Just because YOU didn't want her dating until she left uni (I think that's completely over-bearing) doesn't mean she can't date.
You can only control those things when they are still minors. It's time to cut those apron strings and let her make her own life pushed away.

Grace - posted on 09/28/2016

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true words .
and thank you
yes she could have talk to me about any thing .
we always have been tight . we use to say no penny between us.
as i think more and more about it . we had one roll . no dating until she is done with her uni . she travel with friends and stay over with friends . go and came as she like .
but no dating . my husband and i do believe its a boy . as she started with some thing called snapshot and we asked her not to do it then all has changed........

Sarah - posted on 09/27/2016

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I agree, would you rather she live in your basement until 30? She is supposed to break free, find her footing and become independent. Then, she can come back to have a "friendship" with you...It's time to stop being a parent and becoming a peer.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/27/2016

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What is it lately? We raise our kids with this exact goal in mind!

Your daughter did not do this because she hates you, she did it because she is an adult, and this is the natural progression.

Your family unity will not suffer, unless you make a big deal out of this perfectly normal move

Michelle - posted on 09/27/2016

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I agree with the other ladies.
She's 19 and now an adult. She is allowed to leave home as that's what we raise our children to do.
As far as not discussing it with you, maybe you need to have a look at your relationship and see why she felt she couldn't talk to you. We are all human and make mistakes, we also don't really like the thought of our children growing up. Maybe you were still treating her like a child and she felt smothered and the only way she could be herself was to leave.
I left home at 18 and have never regretted it. My parents also knew that I was a very independent child and would move out as soon as I could.

Jodi - posted on 09/27/2016

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I'm a little confused as to what she has done that you need to forgive her for. She's 19. She's an adult. Why does her choice to live as an adult need your forgiveness?

Dove - posted on 09/27/2016

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At 19 she is an adult and leaving home is a normal adult action. Moving out doesn't mean she doesn't care about her family. I do not know why she packed up and left w/out talking to you about it, but given your post here I could speculate that she didn't feel like she could talk to you about it as you may still be trying to treat her like a child instead of the adult she has become. As our children become adults it is very important that the parent/child dynamic change to mutual adult respect. Yes, they will always be 'our babies', but we need to trust that they can make their own way in the world and be able to let them do just that.

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