my 19 yrs old daughter ran away from home

Jacqueline - posted on 04/21/2014 ( 19 moms have responded )

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I have a 19 years old daughter who now is living in with her step brother she only sms does not talk on the phone refusing to speak the truth she is with her step brother when we tell her to come home she says I need to be alone for sometime

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Amber - posted on 05/14/2015

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Jacqueline, I understand what you are going through,if it is still going on. My daughter and I got in a fight 5 days ago and she left.. She actually wont talk to me or text me... I have been in tears and so worried about her.. she has even gone as far as to block my phone number... All the comments from these other mothers makes me so mad... an 18 or 19 year old person is NOT an adult.. Your brain does not stop developing until 24-25 and you can not make rational, well thought out decisions until then.. when they leave home at this age it's usually because the mother or father is still trying to help shape them into well adjusted, successful adults that make good decisions in their life, and these children don't want to hear anymore and because the law says they are adults they use that power to leave.. these kids usually wont go to college and end up struggling throughout their lives... I am getting my doctorate in psychology so I know a little bit about what I am talking about... I am so worried about my child and the decisions she is making right now and how it will affect her life.... Every decision I have made since giving birth to her has been to try to give her the best life I could... The least she could do is talk to me and communicate with me... I am not perfect and have made mistakes but no mother, unless she is abusive, deserves to be shut out completely.. the pain is almost as bad as if she was dead and I couldn't talk to her.... not being able to talk to her and knowing she is purposefully trying to hurt me is absolutely horrible.... So Jacqueline I understand how you feel.... Do not listen to these other women who are coming down so harsh on you... Children can be so thoughtless, selfish and hurtful sometimes...

Jodi - posted on 05/15/2015

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Amber, I'm sorry you are mad that people are calling these kids adults, but the fact is they ARE legally adults and you have to accept that. 18, 19, 20 year olds are perfectly capable of living away from home. I did it. Most people I went to school with did it. I moved out at 18. It's not running away when you are legally an adult.

I am pretty sure the age at which a brain matures has not changed since I was 18. As both a psychology major, a teacher AND a parent of one adult child (who has moved out of home) and more children rapidly approaching that age, I assure you, I am fully aware of when a brain fully matures. But that does not mean our children are not capable of making the choice to move out. We need to respect that choice, and be there for them if for some reason it doesn't work out (and sometimes it doesn't). When a child is 19, it is not called running away, it is called making a choice to leave.

Nonhlanhla - posted on 09/19/2014

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Good day Ms. Kenny,

I dont have a 19 year old but i do feel for you, the world is not as it used to be. We always worry about our kids safety and yes she might be an adult but you know your child better that us and u do have the right to worry about her.

yes the other ladies are right invite her out, let her know she is loved and u are always there for her.

I really hope this situations turn around for the better and ur relationship is not ruined at the end.

Hugs and kisses to you and your child.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/21/2014

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But, here's the deal. She doesn't have to tell you anything. She doesn't have to ask your permission, she doesn't have to provide you with her employment status.

She's an adult. You now have to be confident that you did your job as a parent, and gave her the skills needed to survive and move forward on her own. It's hard, but we all come to this point. My soon to be 20 YO has been on his own for over a year now. He's doing great. Your daughter will as well.

ETA: She's told you she needs you to back off. That means that, whether or not you WANT to leave her alone, you NEED to leave her alone.

Jodi - posted on 04/21/2014

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She did not "run away from home". What she did was left home. As an adult, she is allowed to do that.

Maybe if she is telling you she needs to be alone for a while you need to just back the hell off.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/06/2016

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Seriously? "Hindsight is twenty twenty"???

Honey, I PREPARED for this time. No hindsight to it. I GAVE MY KIDS THE TOOLS. They don't NEED me to continually hover and nitpick their every choice and decision.

REGARDLESS of how many good examples they've seen, at some point, EVERY person is going to make a poor or ill-thought out decision. THAT is hindsight.

My adult sons are still very much involved in our family lives, because we've made them welcome, treated them as adults, do not question their decisions and choices, and still love and emotionally support them.

If a 19 year old adult decides to up and leave without communicating their desire to do so, it generally stems from other issues occurring in the home. They do it BECAUSE they are tired of the hovering helicopters that their parents are, or because they are experiencing belittling treatment, or because they are not being allowed to BE ADULT.

I raised my kids to communicate, even if they are upset with us, and they do. Some folks don't take that into consideration when raising little ones, don't wait for communication to occur, or don't take heed of that communication. This brings on the "oh, my baby ran away without telling me" posts about grown adults.

Jennifer - posted on 03/01/2016

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Hind sight is twenty twenty. It is easy to look at the past and say they are better persons for it... I never controlled her decisions, I don't want to control them now. I want her to be a part of our lives. At least your child had the courtesy to let you know their plans to move out. This gave you time to adjust to the decision. Just disappearing one day? Life is full of drama, it will follow you your entire life you cannot run away from it you must face it as an adult. I know I raised her right and i'm trusting that one day she will realize the choices she is making now are not the best choices. She will be a better person for it. Yes all we learn from our mistakes but we don't have to. Not everyone has to do wrong to understand that it was wrong. We can look at other examples in our life to see that doing drugs = not good, dropping out of college = might affect my future, alienating my entire family = might make me lonely when my "friends" are no longer friends. It's okay we don't have to agree, i'm glad your adult children are back on the right path. I pray the same for mine.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/29/2016

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Ok, I have to chime in. I have TWO adults now...and guess what? I am CONFIDENT in how I raised them. I KNOW that they're going to make some poor decisions, why? BECAUSE THEY ARE HUMAN. We ALL have made some doozies, and we all have to admit that.

Ladies, your 18, 19, 20 year old kids are ADULTS. That means that they get to make their own decisions, right or wrong, good or bad. This means that YOU aren't always going to like or even agree with those decisions, but you HAVE to have the confidence in yourselves that YOU RAISED THEM RIGHT.

My eldest got out on his own, by choice, at the age of 19. He spent the year prior building up his savings, planning, finding a place, etc. THREE MONTHS before he was due to move, he met me in the front room, and confessed he was flat broke. He'd blown through his savings, made poor decisions about spending, etc. He then cashed some savings bonds, got back on his feet, and was able to move out. DID I FREAK OUT????? Nope. He HAD to go through that to learn what it's like. To know what it takes to move forward. To LEARN HOW TO HANDLE ADVERSITY as an adult.

He's now 21, and he stumbles now and then, but he'd be a hell of a lot worse off if his dad and I had followed him around and fixed everything before it went wrong, or if we'd demanded to be totally in control of him after he reached adulthood.

My second is now 18. He's done some MAJOR screwing up, as a couple of you who know me on here can witness to. He's made some flat out STUPID decisions! Not because he lacked in good parenting while growing up, but because he was trying out his 'adult' wings, and made a poor decision. (or two...or three). My point is, he has also learned from his mistakes, and is a better person for it.

WAS THIS EASY FOR US, AS PARENTS???????? Absolutely not! Did I stress? Not too much, because, in my heart, I KNOW that their father and I gave them the "tools to succeed" in life. The main tool? Allowing them to make their own decisions. Stupid, ill-thought out, or not!

This is not a heartless response, by the way...this is reality.

Jennifer - posted on 02/29/2016

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I agree! Not a very supportive group. They are "Adults" able to make their own decisions legally, but if they are completely cutting everyone and everything they ever loved or that loved them they are not making very good adult decisions. My 18 year old daughter emptied her savings account and moved out of the house we set her up in for college this past Friday, she has alienated all of her childhood friends, all of her family. She is asserting her independence but it is not in a very mature fashion. It is still heart breaking. I have cried and cried. She has been loved and adored for 18 years and has met a boy that will most likely break her heart. I will be there when she needs someone to pick up the pieces. I will pray for her quick return to her family but mostly to herself. As long as there is breath there is hope. Keep your head up and know that God has them in the palm of his hand and he can do things that we cannot. Please keep your anti-God or negative comments to yourself. These are MY beliefs and last I checked it is still a free country and I have the right to freedom of religion (for now).

Jodi - posted on 09/19/2014

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LOL, Cora. Sometimes, people need to hear it like it is. And that's what we did.

Cora - posted on 09/18/2014

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I think these comments are all a bit harsh, wheres the support people? just because her daughter is 19 (I also have a 19yr old that now refuses to live with me) does not mean that this girl is mentally capable of taking care of herself, Granted there is not much that can be done, in the eyes of the law she is an adult. I suggest just keeping it short and sweet when you do contact her, just let her know that your doors always open with no strings attached and you just want to be part of her life, let her know you are there to help, support, advice and invite her out to a coffee sometime. After all at that age you just want to be treated like an adult, its certainly hard to transition from being decision maker and full time parent to a part timer but it really is worth it in the end. She will want things for herself like a job etc in her own time, and that time will come sooner than you think when she burns all her bridges and starts wanting more for herslf.

Dove - posted on 09/18/2014

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I have to ditto Evelyn, Jodi, and Shawnn on this one. Your adult children are... adults. Their life, their call. Unless they want your help there really isn't anything you can do about it.

Go ask my dad and stepmom how they feel about my sister returning to the man that almost killed her not too long ago. :(

Ev - posted on 09/18/2014

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But Julia, she is 19 years old and she is an adult. She may not act like one but she is one. As for her health issues, that is hers and hers alone. She does not have to allow you to know what is going on with her health. She can name anyone she wants to be allowed to look at her records and that may nor may not include you. Sometimes a parent may think they are doing things for the benefit of their adult child, but it really is not. The child considers it nagging or treatment like that of a child. You know its irresponsible to do what she did, but she has to figure it out for herself.

Julia - posted on 09/18/2014

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My daughter has just done the same thing. She is also 19. I am very happy that she wants to be on her own, BUT she left to live in a large city with a guy she just met once and she needs 2 kidney surgeries or her kidney will keep getting infected. All we required was for her to get a job. We refused to give her the car keys and spending money until she made an effort to act like an adult. She didn't like that. She said you are treating me like a child and I said NO we are trying to help you grow up and stop depending on us. But what she chose to do is completely irresponsible.

Jodi - posted on 04/21/2014

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But she's an adult!! Adult or not, you will never stop worrying about your children, but it isn't your job to know where they are all the time anymore. You've done your job - you raised your child into an adult. Now you have to have faith in the fact that you've done it properly and she'll be fin on her own. I understand it is hard, but that's your job now. All you can do is be there as a shoulder for her if she needs you. But your continual hounding her to come home and wanting to know where she is will only drive her further away from you. Just the comment that she "ran away from home" indicates that you are still treating her as a child.

She has clearly had enough of it. So stop. Maybe you even need to apologise to her for treating her like a child and acknowledge to her that you realise she is an adult now, and is capable of making her own choices. Reassure her that you love her and will be there for her if she needs you but that you respect her decision. I'd say she feels like you are smothering her.

Jacqueline - posted on 04/21/2014

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I think knowing your daughter is out alone worries me I just can't leave her alone not knowing whete she is what she is doing for a living

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/21/2014

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She's 19.She's an adult. You cannot, nor should you try to force her back into your home.



Why on earth would you really want to continue to force your adult daughter to live under your roof? She's more than old enough to be on her own.



LET HER.

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