My 20 year old daughter has left home twice b/c of bad boyfriend HELP

Tina Michelle - posted on 11/21/2015 ( 11 moms have responded )

6

0

1

Hello, I will try to condense my story. My daughter met a boy back in May of this year, and ever since my life has been a living hell. She was always a very good girl, doing well in school and even college. She also has a 19 month old son from another boy, who is now 22. Yes, I know it sounds bad, and it is embarrassing. Here's the deal---When she brought this boy over I could tell right away that he was bad news. He was so fake and bought her gifts with credit cards (which since all had to be returned). He is very unstable. Has had 13 jobs since May. Wont work. Wants somebody to take care of him. He is rude, disrespectful and posts the nastiest stuff of social media and it makes me sick. She left with him back in June when I told him to get out of my house because he got up and cussed me out when I told him to be quiet after yelling at me about something trivial. She left and took my grandbaby. I was devasted and wanted to die. It was hard but I got through it. Fastforward---She came back after a few months and told me he had been beating her, tried to rape her once, very controlling, jealous, etc. She showed me pics of a bruised eye and her hair that he had pulled out in clumps. They had been living in a terrible apartment building. I was worried all the time. She went back to school in August and was doing great. She wants to be a nurse and had high grades and honor status. Well, she went to the apartment to get a few of her things and he beat her, put her in a choke hold and tried to rape her. Her friends made her go to the police. He was arrested with 3 different charges. And then a DVO was put on him for 3 years so he was to stay away from her,,etc. Well, She started acting funny and I knew she had to be seeing him secretly. So, one day I went and sat outside his apartment. She had been texting me saying she was in class. Then, 10 minutes later, here they come in her car and he was driving!! I was furious as you can imagine. I even called the police so they would arrest him, but he ran away and the police wouldn't do anything. The police convinced my daughter to live in a domestic violence shelter to get help, etc. And she was a little afraid to come home I know. This happened a week ago, and I am worried sick about my grandbaby. She told me she loves this boy and always will..THEN tells me she is pregnant with his child!! I was mortified. Now, she will barely speak to me, I had to threaten to get a lawyer to see my grandchild. I had him for one day. I am in college so its hard to make time, but I do. I don't know what to think about this. I don't know why she would go back to someone who beat her up and did horrible things to her and of course I fear for my grandchild because I really believe she is secretly seeing him even still. All of the grandparents are discussing taking her child away if she is going to be with this violent boy, which is 20. He has ADHD and severe bipolar issues,,,bad temper, etc. I am not prejudiced against anyone with disorders, however when they do not take their meds its a bad situation. He has cheated on her multiple times as well. Please help me understand this. I know she wants to be independent and all the other things people say..I get that. But my question is WHY??? Why would she choose this? She had a great home here, paid for all her bills, college, car, gas, insurance, phone...etc. I wanted her to succeed in college so she wouldn't have to depend on anyone in the future. There is a lot more bad things about this boy, too much too mention, I just gave some of the worse. I appreciate any help or advice. This is so hard on me and my husband. Thank you!!!!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Andrea - posted on 11/24/2015

47

0

0

Coming out from an abusive relationship recently I would recommend the below:

1) Listen. Listen to what she has to say and try as much as you can to not make any judgement calls. It takes time to wrap your head around what has happened and to draw yourself away from the entire situation before you leave someone.

2) Time. Give her a lot of time. It took me a good few months and just to the point of even losing my phone to really distance myself from the situation and slowly start over.

Don't talk negative about the situation or the person, it only makes us want to be with that person more. She probably also is seeking attention (I was too). And definitely prayer is what helps the most.

Destiny - posted on 11/21/2015

5

0

2

All I can say is I'm in a domestic violence situation that is just about lime your daughters. It's really hard to leave someone you really love. I told myself a Thousand times I'm gonna leave him.. So I just pray every day that God will make me strong enough to leave. She is grown. Just support her and be there for her and your grand baby. You don't want to push her way. Daughters always run to mommy. She needs you. I wish I could tell my mom but she will just make things worst.. I know its gonna be hard on you. You just gotta pray for that boy and your daughter and your grand baby..

Michelle - posted on 11/21/2015

4,673

8

3247

You also can't control how she lives her life. She's an adult and can choose the path her life takes.
All you can do is be there for her when it all falls apart.
The more you tell her that he's not good for her the more determined she will be to prove you wrong.
In regards to threatening to take her to court to see your grandchild: DON'T. You want to make sure she feels safe being able to come to you and if you do that then it will just push her away even more.

11 Comments

View replies by

Tina Michelle - posted on 11/25/2015

6

0

1

Hi there, I am so sorry for you and your daughter. I can just imagine your pain. I have a son who is 25 who I believe is the same way and my daughter isn't far behind. I hope and pray your daughter will wake up and see the truth very soon. Thank you for your comment. God Bless

Tina Michelle - posted on 11/25/2015

6

0

1

Thank you and I am so sorry you are in that situation. I know myself how that is. I was in one for 22 years, married, before I got away. I am so much better for it too. I hope you get the strength and courage to do what you need to do. If I can do it, you can too. God bless you.

Tina Michelle - posted on 11/25/2015

6

0

1

Thank you very much for your advice. This has been and still is very hard. I am glad you got out of that situation. Good for you!

Suzanne - posted on 11/21/2015

4

0

0

When the time is right.. do ask her to go to church with you. You never know what could happen. God is good.

Suzanne - posted on 11/21/2015

4

0

0

I some how deleted my second response. My daughter has told me a few months ago she no longer believes in God and she is a pagan. I have been in tears over this near daily and sometimes many times a day. My fear of her eternal unhappiness in Hell is killing me. I worry about my son as well. I feel that I have failed my children. It's just killing me. My heart breaks.

Tina Michelle - posted on 11/21/2015

6

0

1

Hello and thank you for commenting. I do believe in prayer and I raised both she and her brother up in church, and that's one reason why I am still in disbelief about this. I know she is rebelling as young girls tend to do. I have had several people tell me to call the shelter about this for they may not know that when she leaves, she is possibly seeing him. He doesn't live too far from the shelter either. Her baby is due in May and as of now has no job, no car, etc. I don't know how in the world she thinks she is going to make it by herself because she cannot live with that boy due to the DVO. She has barely mentioned wanting more freedom, etc., and she had plenty of freedom except for raising her child, which I think she sometimes resents. I have played a huge part in raising her child. It just hurts. My husband and I both have done so much for her and my grandchild in every aspect. Maybe that's the problem? I don't know. I thought she was so much smarter than this and I have told her Im very disappointed but that I still love her and am always here for her. I am afraid it may be too late one day. Even the policeman told me that it may take him beating her so bad that she ends up in the hospital for her to leave him alone for good. She also told me he hit her in the jaw so hard she thought he broke her jaw, but it wasn't broken. Thank you again for your kind words. I am sorry you are dealing with this as well and prayer for you also.

Suzanne - posted on 11/21/2015

4

0

0

Hi, just reading the beginning of your story I could tell he was going to hit her a some point. I'm so sorry. I don't think the love she has for this guy will last. You have to pray the home that she is in will help her stay safe and see the truth about him. Young girls do dumb things. I think she will see how dumb she has been at some point. I think Safety is the issue right now. Can You talk to someone in the Home she is in? Ask them what you should be doing. I am unsure if this is a site for christian moms or not. That is what I was looking for when I found this one. Anyway, I know prayer is the best thing. I have a hard time with it myself at many times but in my past I have seen answers come ... big time. Maybe you could even get your daughter to go to a cool church with you at some point. Calvary Chapels are very down to earth so to speak. I will keep you and your daughter in prays. I have a 20 year old daughter too. I pray for and cry over her daily. so I understand a little how you feel. If I think of any else for you, I will be sure to let you know. Suzanne

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms