my 20 years old daughter comes home late

Anita - posted on 01/27/2015 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My 20 years old daughter comes home late like 2 even though me and my husband asked her to not stay later than 12 I explained to her that I understand that she is an adult I understand some nights such as weekends she may go out with friends and come back late but that shouldn't be her usual time to come home. 1 or 2 is consider late to us as long as she lives under my roof. We get worry and her dad gets upset he has work next day and every time she comes late she wakes him up and not just that he wants her to respect what her family is asking her it makes me to not sleep cause I'm a mom and I stay up till she comes back safe. And she always bring up this idea that " that is why I need to move out" she knows she can't her paycheck is not gonna help her besides in our culture it looks bad and she she knows that so she is waiting to get her acceptance from university to move there and I'm OK with that all I'm talking about is about right now that lives with us. Every time her late coming makes my husband to get upset and create argument at home and I am the one who has to melt under the pressure that in that argument what she will say and what her dad will say and me trying to calm down the situation I asked her in many times i asked her all this nicely we fought over this issue many times nothing helped till last night I was reading here and one suggestion was lock her out. And I did. I told her its late its 1 come home, she said I'm coming but she was late. I told her I locked the door and don't bother to come home stay wherever you were or I don't know stay in your car. So she said stop mom, then i didn't answer her. I realized its 2:30 & she is still out I called her i sent text million times there was no answer then I said I'm calling the cops I'm going to wake your dad up to look for you cause I don't want to regret later so answer if you are OK since I was dying of worries. She sent a text saying ," are you done locking me out." I was shocked she said she was in her car since I told her I'm locking the door. I was expecting her saying OK mom I know its late don't be worried I'll leave soon so don't do that to me don't lock me out. And I was expecting her to show up at least after a short time. Then i would probably thought she has respect and understanding but by not answering my phone calls and texts and leaving me in worries and then saying are you done locking me out I felt the whole world was ended right in front of my eyes. She said she was in her car the whole time half sleep. I woke up this morning confused not knowing what happened and what my reaction should be next.

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Trisha - posted on 01/27/2015

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I can understand where your daughter is coming from. I was coming in the house at all times of the night 4 AM sometimes starting when I was 18 years old.
Re-iterate to your daughter that it is strictly a matter of respect for the rest of the household that you request this of her.
If it is simply you worrying about her, you will need to come to terms with that and start letting go. If it is mostly about your husband waking up in the middle of the night, then you guys should try to work something out that works. Ex. No late nights when Dad works the next day.
She is an adult basically, and this is a stage she will go through until she moves out on her own.
If she is not willing to come to some sort of compromise, or breaks any agreements you come to, then tell her "The doors will be locked at this time. If you aren't home yet, don't even bother attempting to come in."
I think that you need to come to meet her half way in this though.

Anita - posted on 01/27/2015

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Thank you Trisha you are right I should have done that but honestly I was worried what if something did happen to her and I just refused to know and regret later. After all I always think of the situations like this In a way that having your family safe and healthy is the most important and valuable gift. I know kids being raised right is more important but what if something happens to any of them because of our action then we can't change anything.

Trisha - posted on 01/27/2015

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You should have just let her stay out that night. You just showed her that she has control over the situation, not you.

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