my 20 years old daughter comes home late

Anita - posted on 01/27/2015 ( 2 moms have responded )

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My 20 years old daughter comes home late like 2 even though me and my husband asked her to not stay later than 12 I explained to her that I understand that she is an adult I understand some nights such as weekends she may go out with friends and come back late but that shouldn't be her usual time to come home. 1 or 2 is consider late to us as long as she lives under my roof. We get worry and her dad gets upset he has work next day and every time she comes late she wakes him up and not just that he wants her to respect what her family is asking her it makes me to not sleep cause I'm a mom and I stay up till she comes back safe. And she always bring up this idea that " that is why I need to move out" she knows she can't her paycheck is not gonna help her besides in our culture it looks bad and she she knows that so she is waiting to get her acceptance from university to move there and I'm OK with that all I'm talking about is about right now that lives with us. Every time her late coming makes my husband to get upset and create argument at home and I am the one who has to melt under the pressure that in that argument what she will say and what her dad will say and me trying to calm down the situation I asked her in many times i asked her all this nicely we fought over this issue many times nothing helped till last night I was reading here and one suggestion was lock her out. And I did. I told her its late its 1 come home, she said I'm coming but she was late. I told her I locked the door and don't bother to come home stay wherever you were or I don't know stay in your car. So she said stop mom, then i didn't answer her. I realized its 2:30 & she is still out I called her i sent text million times there was no answer then I said I'm calling the cops I'm going to wake your dad up to look for you cause I don't want to regret later so answer if you are OK since I was dying of worries. She sent a text saying ," are you done locking me out." I was shocked she said she was in her car since I told her I'm locking the door. I was expecting her saying OK mom I know its late don't be worried I'll leave soon so don't do that to me don't lock me out. And I was expecting her to show up at least after a short time. Then i would probably thought she has respect and understanding but by not answering my phone calls and texts and leaving me in worries and then saying are you done locking me out I felt the whole world was ended right in front of my eyes. She said she was in her car the whole time half sleep. I woke up this morning confused not knowing what happened and what my reaction should be next.

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Anita - posted on 01/27/2015

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Thank you Raye. I know you are absolutely right. Its probably me I can't treat anybody to show them what is right or wrong. Its my weakness and anytime my husband ask me to let him to deal with the case I get scared and worried what if that makes it worse. My husband is a very strong man and very dedicated to the family and he loves the family as he will go through anything just to make sure everything is OK. And my daughter knows that she also know he is serious about what he says. But me she knows I am soft and always tries to satisfy others.

Raye - posted on 01/27/2015

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She knew you were worried, and purposely didn't answer your calls/texts to punish YOU. Now she thinks she can go back to doing whatever she wants. If she's living in your house, she should live by your rules. I don't know what your culture is or why it would look bad for her to live on her own. But if you're going to threaten locking her out, you need to follow through on it. It's not the end of the world that she slept in her car. Hopefully she was in the driveway or a safe area doing that. But don't feel bad about it. She made the choice not to come home, so she should suffer the punishment.

You expected her to negotiate, and you were going to back down. How does backing down teach her anything except that she can get away with whatever she wants. She needs to know you're not trying to be mean, but that she needs to be considerate of others in the household and not disobey the rules, or else there are consequences.

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