My 20 yr old daughter is about to have a baby and won't even talk to me- I don't know what I did or what to do now.

Kim - posted on 03/21/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My daughter was originally going to give her baby up for adoption and when I found out, I was very hurt and upset. I told her I was upset, and she stopped talking to me. Recently my mom spoke with her (after months of them not speaking either for the same reason), and my daughter told my mom she was keeping the baby. I emailed my daughter and told her I was very happy about her decision and had been trying to figure out how to reconcile with her for weeks, but my daughter called my mom and told her to tell me to not contact her at all. My daughter is due in about a month and I'm absolutely devastated I won't be able to be there for my first grandchild's birth. My daughter is my only child, so therefore I have no other options for grandchildren so that makes this extra painful.

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Sarah - posted on 03/21/2014

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When your daughter told you she was planning to place her child for adoption she might have been looking for support and understanding from you. I am sure it was hard for her to come to that decision. When you voiced your feelings to her that was probably hard for her and maybe not what she needed at the time. You may just need to give her time and show her support for the decisions she makes not matter if she parents or places.

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Kim - posted on 03/21/2014

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Sarah, thanks again. I will definately try emailing her again with what you said when she is ready to talk to me (I emailed her 2 days ago trying to fix this and she told my mom to tell me to not contact her at all). I will try again after I give her some time. Thanks.

Sarah - posted on 03/21/2014

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One thing that may help is writing her a letter. Like I said when she told you about the adoption she probably wanted support more so then your feelings. Write the letter apologizing about not doing that. Don't talk about how you feel, think about how she must have felt. Understand where she was coming from and let her know you understand. I would not say anything about how happy you are that she has chosen parenting. ....to her that is the same as stating how unhappy you were about placing. She is not looking for your feelings she is looking for her mom to be supportive no matter the choice she makes during this difficult time. A mom to choose adoption or even consider adoption is wanting the best for her child. She is willing to sacrifice having her child with her so the child can have a better situation. It takes a very strong woman to choose adoption and it is the most selfless love a mom could give her child. Just as much as it pains you to not have a grandchild in your life on a regular basis it pains your daughter 10 times over, so deciding to place is not an easy decision and a decision that she was trying to do what she felt was the best for her child. My guess is that she wants you to understand that and understand where she was coming from. If she feels like you understand that and see where she was coming from and show your support to her no matter what she decides knowing that she is a mom that is wanting the best for her child she may open up some.

Kim - posted on 03/21/2014

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Sarah, thank you for your response, sounds spot on. The only problem with giving her time is missing out on how many weeks or months of the baby's life til she decides she's tortured me adequately enough. I only have a few living relatives (very small family), and this baby is extremely important to me (which is why I was so upset with the adoption idea). I had even offered to adopt the baby myself when she told me that originally, but was declined (she said she had already told a couple at her church they could have the baby). I really feel bad for those people also because she told them she was keeping the baby right before the adoptive parents had their baby shower. But you are right about having to give her time as I don't know what else to do at this point.

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