My 21 year old college student is behaving badly

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Patt - posted on 01/13/2014

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This is not a race issue, but I do understand how I made it sound like one. I have met this person, it did not take long to realize that he had very little character and has vey little motivation to move forward in life. In addition to reading his Facebook page and his drug issues (heroin, pot.....), this is not about his color but instead what type of man he is. My head is exactly where it belongs, I am hoping my daughter's will be also. Thankyou.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/13/2014

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"She is white, he is black"...Thanks for finally being honest about the REAL reason you find this relationship disturbing.

Get your head out of your ass. This is not the 18th, 19th or even 20th century any more, and people with that attitude need to be slapped into reality.

Furthermore, a criminal history or drug induced past is no indicator of current character either.

A - posted on 01/11/2014

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I agree with Jodi, if his color wasn't an issue then you wouldn't have brought it up. His color shouldn't have anything to do with it. "She is white, he is black - it just makes me sad." I am guessing the color difference is what makes you sad, it is all in the same sentence.

[deleted account]

you said "I am just very afraid for her. She is white, he is black". If that isn't bringing his color in then I really don't know what you are getting at. You don't like him fine. But she is an adult, she is your daughter and she DESERVES you to be civil around her and her fiance. Civil is being polite and not starting fights. Any person can do it and if you want anything to do with your daughter and possible grand children at this point you had better start respecting her decisions. Respect does not mean you support them, But that you understand it's HER choice since she is an adult and you don't keep throwing your opinions at her every time you talk.

Michelle - posted on 01/11/2014

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She probably knows what your reaction will, that's why she hasn't told you herself or isn't discussing him with you.
Maybe you should make the effort to meet him and then you can show her that she can still talk to you about things. By judging him before meeting him you are pushing her away. Like the other ladies have said, people can and do change so don't judge too harshly.

Patt - posted on 01/10/2014

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Really? No, this has nothing to do with color, it has to do with what type of person he is is.

Jodi - posted on 01/10/2014

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Ah, ok, so we are not only making judgements no, we are making judgements about his COLOUR! Wow! I'm not sure what his colour has to do with ANYthing!

Patt - posted on 01/10/2014

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Ok, I hear you. I am just very afraid for her. She is white, he is black - it just makes me sad. But, as you said, she is an adult and it is her life.

[deleted account]

or she has a difficult time discussing him because she knows you don't like him. My friends bf has a record. He has cleaned up, put a roof over her head and maintaining a steady job so their baby has a stable home when it is born in April.
My Loser husband as my dad would call him, used to be in a bad crowd and do drugs now works a full time job, stays clean and on his meds all so I can stay home with our daughter.
You really have no place to judge him. Oh and I paid for a lot of stuff we did together while dating.

Patt - posted on 01/10/2014

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She will not talk to me about this person. I truly feel she knows that he is not good for her so she has a difficult time even discussing him.

Patt - posted on 01/10/2014

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No, he really is not a good person and has a criminal/drug record to prove it. I did commit to getting her through college, which I will follow through with as long as she continues to do well. She does not have a job, but I am making it clear that I will pay tuition, dorm and books. Over and above that, she is on her own, so she will need a job. All the money she had saved has been given to her boyfriend. Basically she has paid for everything they do together, he has contributed nothing.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/10/2014

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Ah, be careful of judging your children's choices for spouses. My mother did that 25 years ago, and it came back to bite her in the ass. I cut her out of my life entirely for 4 years, and have allowed her limited contact for the last 21.

That being said, let her know that the cash cow is dry if you don't agree with her life choices. But, when you agreed to pay for her education, what stipulations did you put on that? Pulling financial support that you've committed to and she's counting on just because you disagree with her choice of partner is kind of petty if you didn't specify that would be part of the conditions.

Michelle - posted on 01/10/2014

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Does she have a job? Did you say you would pay for her college?
Just because you think he's a loser he may not be.
Like that others have said, you can't control her actions, she's 21, an adult.
How about you sit down and have a talk with her instead of listening to others.

Patt - posted on 01/10/2014

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But do I continue to support her by paying her tuition to finish school? I just found out (through a family member on Facebook) that she got engaged to a loser. No clue what she is thinking.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/10/2014

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Well, your 21 year old is an adult. Did you behave perfectly when you were that age? I doubt it.

Let your adult live their life. The most you can do is not financially support them.

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