My 21 years old daughter left home.

Mahe - posted on 07/13/2016 ( 19 moms have responded )

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My 21 years old daughter left home for 3 weeks. She doesn't contact me, doesn't reply my text. She is very disrespectful to me and doesn't like to do anything with me. She was so sweet girl when we were in our country but after coming here she talks bad thing about me and our family with her friends. I miss her so much. Now i don't feel any purpose in my life without her. I'm angry with the system of this society. This society teach children, they can call police if parents slap them and they can do anything when they will be 18. I don't say slapping is the right thing. We cannot find out if my child attending her classes regularly or not bcz she is more than 18. But why in this country (USA) parents are having so much problems with their teen or older? I think, this system separating our children from us. We learned, our heaven is under mom's feet and we shouldn't make a 'woof' (with annoyingly) sound to our parent. And in our country daughter live with their parent until they get married and son too. After coming to this country, I lost my child.

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Dove - posted on 07/15/2016

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Sometimes the best way to respect someone is to cut them out of your life... I've LIVED that. Not NOW cuz my mom and have a decent relationship and have for close to 15 years now, but... respect and love are not the same things. I never didn't love my mom, but for the sake of my sanity I HAD to cut her mostly out of my life for a good chunk of years... it's probably the main reason we even have a relationship now. She wasn't ever abusive to me either. I wasn't ungrateful or horrible. I still loved her and I knew she did the best she could, but she wasn't the parent I needed and I had to grow away from that before I could come back to her as us both being adults.

Just because you haven't lived it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/14/2016

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Wow. Really? The reason there was a mention of another post is to point out contradictory posts made by a single poster. If, in one thread a post is advocating for "teenage freedom" (to paraphrase), but that very same person responds in a different thread in a manner that contradicts their stated views, they are going to be called on it.

One cannot, legally, infringe upon another's rights in the US. Among those rights include being able to be on your own, without interference from your parents once you reach legal age. Privacy rights in the US dictate that parents cannot ask for info on schooling, medical issues, or financial issues without the express written permission of their now adult child. If that adult wishes to allow their parents access to info, they may do so. If not, no one can force them to, nor do the parents have any right to attempt to force them to give in. That is a basic human right in the US.

My kids, for example, have no problems in sharing their adult lives with us. This is not because they are forced in any way. We had a very long road raising them, and during that time gave them the necessary tools to succeed as adults. What they do now is up to them. Fly or fall, they have to do it on their own. This in no way means that I love or value them LESS, but because they will be so much MORE if I am not a helicopter.

"Parents can't control your life as an adult...BUT you still need to respect them and accept their love."**To this I say: Respect must be earned. Even if you are a parent, you must EARN the respect of your children. Anything less is forcing behavior, and indicates a need for total parental control. It is BECAUSE my son's respect their father and i that we are blessed with a strong family and continued contact as adults.

Dove - posted on 07/14/2016

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Legally... no they don't have the right to check up on the adult child if the adult child is not receptive to it... and if the adult child wants nothing to do w/ the parent then the parent needs to back off and respect that.

You are right that a parent never has to stop worrying or caring about their children, but they do need to accept that when their adult children are adults... they deserve to be treated like adults and it doesn't seem like the OP has dealt w/ that fact yet.

I find it hilarious that in one post you advocate for teenagers having relationships w/ adults whether their parents like it or not... and in this post you advocate for a parent to be up in an adult child's business even if the adult child wants none of it. You can't have it both ways unless you are a complete hypocrite.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/14/2016

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Why do other countries and cultures NOT UNDERSTAND that your child is a grown adult, who is very capable of functioning on her own.

In the US (or "this country") as you refer to it, we allow our adult children to BE ADULTS and be on their own. They DO have a right to things like privacy, and the reason you are being told that you can't learn anything regarding her grades or progress is because you cannot interfere in an adult's life!

We would respect your customs and methods in your home country. Now that you live in the US, you need to respect OUR customs and methods. We aren't going to change because a bunch of people from other countries aren't happy with our methods. Your country wouldn't do the same for us, would they?

I absolutely love the judgement coming from other countries. FYI, Mahe Jabeen, my children are AMERICAN. They were born here, and raised here...and they, in no way are "separate" from us. My (both ADULT) children are still very much involved in our lives, our family, etc. I do, however, respect THEIR rights!

You say that "in our country daughter live with parent until they get married and son too". Great. That's awesome. That's YOUR country. You now live in the US. You need to adapt.

I'm sorry that you think you've "lost" your daughter. In reality, she is spreading her wings and flying, just as "we" encourage our American children to do.

Michelle - posted on 07/14/2016

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I agree with Dove.
Your daughter may feel that you are too controlling and that's why she has cut contact.
Why do you have to know if she is attending classes?
She is considered an adult and she is probably enjoying the experience.

19 Comments

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Sarah - posted on 07/15/2016

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What you describe is not unique to the US. I'd never have disrespected my parents and my own young adults are courteous. Why do you suppose your daughter is choosing to isolate herself?

Ev - posted on 07/15/2016

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Respect has to be earned. There is a difference in being respectful--the act of showing respect and having respect--that which is earned by one person from another and showing it.

{Respect for your parents should come natural.}
-----Respect is not a natural thing. It has to be learned and earned by all. When it comes to parents a kid can act respectful but may not have respect for a parent. My kids respect their dad because he was an authority figure in their lives. They did not respect him as a person because he did not earn their respect. Their lives with their dad was hard and he did a lot of things they did not think a dad should do. None of it bad but just in how they were treated, raised, and thought of.

{ I mean, parents raise you, guide you, and give you a healthy upbringing, what more could you ask for?}
-----Not all parents give a child a healthy and well guided up bringing.

{ Just like love comes natural from a parent to their child. When you give birth to a child, the love is just there, because that is a life that you created and it is apart of you.}
-----Not all parents have that natural love for their kids. Becoming a mother or father can make a parent feel a lot of things even love but some people do not always automatically love that child at first.

{ So, with that being said, love and respect should also come natural for your parents. Unless your parents are abusive, mistreat you, didn't give you the best life etc. In those cases, I can understand a child not respecting their parents. But, I still believe respect should come natural between a parent and a child.}
-----Respect and love should come natural but they do not always. But Respect is something that has to be earned.

{Have you ever heard ANY parent ever say that they had to GROW to love their child? Because that's not how it works.}
-----Yes, some people have to learn to love their kids. I have read a few posts on here where a mom has said she should not be a mother and why for her case. Some women instintively love their kids from the first moment. Others have to take time to grow close and bond with their kids. And I hate to say it but that is how things work sometimes.

Michelle - posted on 07/15/2016

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I agree with Shawnn that respect has to earned. My Mother hurt me so much when I was a teen and she can't even remember it. I put up with her for the sake of my children since she is the only Grandparent they have in the same country! If I had a choice I wouldn't speak to her.
So parents do have to watch the way they treat their children when they are young or they will lose them when they are adults! It's not automatic that children have to respect their parents, parents have to earn respect just like anyone else.

Chasity - posted on 07/14/2016

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To answer your question, no I couldn't. Because that is abuse. As I stated, if a child is abused or mistreated by their parents, then I could totally understand the lack of respect for them.

But, there are children that are just ungrateful and they have the best parents that a lot of kids would die for, but they still don't honor that. It makes me sick to see children disrespecting their parents who have done so much for them and given up their lives to give them a better one. It's awful.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/14/2016

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Oh, I have heard plenty of women say that they could not bring themselves to love the child they gave birth to. That, thankfully, is one reason for adoptions. It does happen. Just because you have not personally witnessed it...

Furthermore, could you truly say that you could honestly respect your parents if you were raised the way some cultures raise women? There are those cultures, that have absolutely zero respect for women. Men do not respect their mothers, their wives, nor any woman! Could you honestly say you could respect them? Keep in mind, you would be beaten into submission if you ever uttered a word against them...but could you truly respect them?

Chasity - posted on 07/14/2016

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I don't know if you all have any Christian beliefs, not my business, but as a believer of God, I strongly believe in the commandment that states that children should honor their mother and father.
Those are just MY beliefs.

Chasity - posted on 07/14/2016

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Respect for your parents should come natural. I mean, parents raise you, guide you, and give you a healthy upbringing, what more could you ask for? Just like love comes natural from a parent to their child. When you give birth to a child, the love is just there, because that is a life that you created and it is apart of you. So, with that being said, love and respect should also come natural for your parents. Unless your parents are abusive, mistreat you, didn't give you the best life etc. In those cases, I can understand a child not respecting their parents. But, I still believe respect should come natural between a parent and a child.
Have you ever heard ANY parent ever say that they had to GROW to love their child? Because that's not how it works.

Dove - posted on 07/14/2016

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Love it Shawnn! I wasn't touching that anymore. I almost messaged you to see if I was 'off base' to even say anything. lol Glad you found it w/out me. ;)

I will touch on the last part of the comment i was avoiding though... because even if my children DO grow up to want nothing to do w/ me (highly, highly unlikely)... I won't stop loving them because of it... because a parent's love shouldn't be conditional.

OK... done w/ it now.

Chasity - posted on 07/14/2016

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It's not about being "in your adult child's business" it's about wanting to be apart of their lives. If your adult child wanted nothing to do with you, as a parent it would be hurtful and you'd wonder why. Everyone needs their parents.

Parents can't control your life as an adult, I clearly said that, BUT you still need to respect them and accept their love. If the adult child is not receptive of the love and care of their parents, then they are an ungrateful twat who doesn't deserve it anyway. (:

Chasity - posted on 07/14/2016

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Parents have the right to check on their kids no matter how old they are. I'm 25 and my mother calls me EVERYDAY and I greatly appreciate it. Adult children will always be children in the eyes of their parents.
Being that your daughter is 21, you no longer have control over her life, but that doesn't mean as a parent you have to stop worrying about her or stop being a parent.

Sofia - posted on 07/14/2016

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Let me guess- you are East Indian. The problem is that parents want to continue with their ways at home. Ie, slapping, insulting- treating children like little slaves--ESPECIALLY GIRLS. Not giving them respect or allowing them to become responsible adults. I would not be speaking to you either. Your daughter probably never liked that you slapped her and are over protective. And now that she is allowed her independence in America---she sees that the way she is being treated is not right. It's not this society. It is you. YOU must accept ALL responsibility. I would leave if I were that girl. Immigrants must learn that abusive Indian ways will not be tolerated. I know from experience.

Nadine - posted on 07/14/2016

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At 21 I wold not want my parents checking up on me. She is an adult. When you come to live in another country you have to know that the laws are going to apply to you. If you loved the culture of your mother country so much, and did not wish to embrace the country of your adopted country, perhaps you should not have emigrated, or you should have done a little bit more research and emigrated to somewhere with a culture closer to yours.

Dove - posted on 07/13/2016

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I am in the US and I don't have any significant problems w/ my teenagers. They are being raised w/ respect and they, in turn, are respectful. 18 is legally an adult. I understand in your culture women may not be respected just because they are an adult.. but that's how it is here. Equal treatment for all and adults get to make their own life decisions. Perhaps if you recognize this fact your daughter may be willing to reestablish a relationship w/ you based on two adults mutually respecting each other.

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