My 22 year old daughter is upsetting me with her lack of respect for me with her verbal abuse

Sylvia - posted on 04/25/2014 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I am an older mum retired.I have a 22 year old daughter I also have 2 sons of 24 and 25 who also live at home. I have an older daughter who is 39 and has her own family. My youngest daughter insults me with verbal abuse and cheek as she. seems to think that she has a right to speak to me how she likes as she is almost 22 and working very long early hours, and as i dont work ant more as i am retired, she says i should give her more respect than i should expect from her, even though she doesnt give me any money at all for keep as she i saving up for her own place. I am very upset with this and am on the point of telling her to leave, but dont want to lose my daughter. Could anyone give me any advice on this please, as i am very upset indeed.

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Kirsten - posted on 04/28/2014

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Just went through a similar situation with my daughter at 20. She has always been incredibly difficult to deal with. With three younger children in the home we felt they were starting to model her behavior. We sat her down and told her the behavior would not be tolerated and if it continued she would need to leave. Of course the behavior continued because we had never followed through with our threats before, so she probably had no incentive to change. This time, we followed through. The behavior continued and we told her she had 60 days to find another place to live. She drug her feet, continued to be disrespectful, and we stood our ground. It was very difficult. She ha been out on her own now for a month and now finally gets it. She is much more appreciative of the things we have done for her and is much easier to get along with overall. She is now role modeling great behavior for her siblings and even counseling them when she is visiting and they are out of hand. She has finally taken ownership of her behavior. Hands down best decision we could have made for our sake and hers. Stay strong and stay the course. We are not doing them any favors by tolerating the disrespect. I have always told her that in spite of her behavior we will always love her because she is our daughter, but other people don't have that same connection with her. Reminded her that once she got comfortable with them and began to behave in the same manner they get to walk away and will. I think she is finally getting it.

[deleted account]

um what kind of stuff does she do exactly? My mil could claim verbal abuse from my husband but she was fully deserving of how he treated her, for example always telling him his goals were never good enough or that he needed to clean the apartment all the time when the mess was hers and his siblings not his. I was raised with the belief of you get out of your adult children what you gave them growing up. If she is saving up to leave then let her leave. Obviously she is trying to and kicking her out won't fix whatever issues are going on.

Jodi - posted on 04/27/2014

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OMG, Helon, "spanking" a 22 year old is called assault. Just in case you didn't know.

Helon - posted on 04/27/2014

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i say make her pay rent and don't do anything for her and if thats no good spank her and still no good tell her to leave when she left she may realize what u do for her and how much a good thing she was on and come begging back

Sylvia - posted on 04/26/2014

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Thank you Ashlyn, for you reply and advice. Its interesting to hear that that you also think i should ask her to move out as you are obviously in the 'daughter' position. We are also not having good communication either at the minute due to our awful situation. I hope things improve for you and your mother x

Sylvia - posted on 04/26/2014

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Thank you very much for your reply and advice Michelle. Yes that is another alternative to start charging her rent and keep money, as she is on too much of a good thing. I will discuss that with her in the conversation i obviously must have with her. Thank you once again x

Sylvia - posted on 04/26/2014

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Thank you so much Jody for your reply and advice. It does seem as if that is the only way to go as upsetting as it is. But at least as u say if i talk to her calmly and explain how much she is upsetting me, that there is no other alternative that if she continues to talk to me this way, then she must move out :( x

Michelle - posted on 04/25/2014

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You can either kick her out, she's an adult and if she wants to treat you like that she doesn't deserve to be handed everything, or start charging her rent. Also charge her for her share of the utilities and food.
If you do go down the path of charging her rent you will need to lay down some ground rules regarding respect of others.

Jodi - posted on 04/25/2014

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Show her the door. Let her know that this is YOUR house and you will not be spoken to like that in your home. You won't necessarily lose her if you tell her to leave. By allowing her to stay you are essentially telling her it is okay for her to treat you like that.

And don't ask her to leave in a fit of rage. You need to sit down and talk to her, lay it out to her that if it continues you will be asking her to leave. Then, if it continues, let her know it is time for her to fins somewhere else to live for a while. Let her know that you love her and your door will still be open if it doesn't work out, but only if she can treat you with respect.

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I would politely ask her to move out or be more respectful. :( I'm sorry. I wish I had better advice. My mom and I have never had a great relationship, but I had to move back home because I got laid off. i don't disrespect her at all! If anything I try to keep my distance.

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