My 22 year old daughter is very rude and disrespectful to me and blames me for leaving her father 10 years ago even though she knows he was guilty of ill treating us.

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LTM - posted on 08/26/2014

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Hi Phillippa. Two things spring to mind. Firstly, I suspect your daughter wants you to acknowledge just how much she regrets not having her dad around. Secondly, I wonder if she fears she won't have a successful relationship because your marriage failed.
Here's what I'd say. "Sweetheart, I am so sorry that you didn't have happy parents who would stay together for ever. Nobody wanted a fairytale romance more than I did, But I'm not sorry for leaving your father. I did what I thought was right. And that's what I had to do as a woman and as your mother ... what I thought was right."
I think you should also ask her "Are you afraid that you're not going to have a happy-ever-after relationship? Is that what's bothering you?" Get the subject out in the open so she can have a chance to air her fears. If you can encourage her to look forward to her own future (when she'll have a chance to do things differently to what you did), perhaps she'll be less obsessed with the past.
Reassure her that she'll be a mother one day - and then you can both have conversations about so many things that she just can't understand until she's a mom herself.
You watch. She'll change with time. :) Good luck.

Ahndrea - posted on 08/25/2014

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She is an adult and obviously needs counseling.you are not to blame! She has her own demons she has to conquer, do not let her treat you like that. She's too old to have outbursts. Hope everything works out .

Michelle - posted on 08/24/2014

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No worries. She needs to be able to let go of the past and move on. Your relationship won't get any better while she still dwells on the past.
I would strongly suggest to her that she needs to talk to someone about how to get over what happened. She can't change the past but she can decide how she will see the future.
Good luck and I hope she gets the help she needs. Don't worry too much about what she is saying to you now, hopefully she will see that it's not healthy to blame you for what has happened.

Michelle - posted on 08/24/2014

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She's an adult and should be dealing with her feeling about the split, not taking things out on you. She also needs to stop blaming you. It sounds like she needs to get some professional help to work through it all.
My parents split when I was young but I don't treat either of them like that. All you have given are excuses for her behaviour instead of dealing with it. You need to stop making excuses for her and make sure she gets help. You can't baby her forever, she needs to learn how to treat people properly and that includes you. If you let her treat you like this then she will carry on doing it.

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Phillippa - posted on 08/24/2014

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You're right. I know she's spoilt. Right now I'm dealing with it as you advised and she's obedient but with a coldness to me but I'm sticking to it. She knows what is the right thing to do but maybe I was too lenient with her. Thanks for your support.

Phillippa - posted on 08/24/2014

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She's an only child and very demanding. But she's also hurt and psychologically wounded from our relationship and separation so I try not to create a wide gap between us for fear that it would cause her more harm. I try to be balanced in my dealing with her.

Michelle - posted on 08/23/2014

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You let her know that you won't tolerate her treating you like that and until she can be civil then you will have as little to do with her as possible.

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