My 23 year old son moved home and I need help settting boundaires

Rita - posted on 03/22/2016 ( 1 mom has responded )

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My son moved home after college and we don't charge him anything to live at home. He has a full-time job and is reponsible for his car insurance and phone bill. He has limited chores at home as we have a housekeeper and gardener.
My issue is that he is spending weekends and a couple of weeknights at his girlfriends home. She is a student and lives far from his job and home. I find this disrespectful and also feel it could compromise his job as they currenly have some drama in their relationship.
Need some help on setting boundaries.

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Raye - posted on 03/22/2016

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Well, your son is a legal adult, and not a kid anymore. It's fine to set boundaries regarding the conditions that he is allowed to live in your home... in fact, you should have some kind of written agreement so everyone knows where they stand. However, the rules should be made to accommodate an adult living in the home. What rules would you have if you were renting the room to an adult stranger? How much he pays is up to you. If you're trying to help him save for a place of his own, then I understand you would be more accommodating. But if he's just getting a free ride, you should request he at least help with groceries and utility bills. If he's going to stay the night at home, then he should come home at a reasonable hour so as not to disturb sleeping inhabitants of the home. If he's not going to stay the night at home, then maybe he tells you so you're not worried that he's dead in a ditch somewhere, but he should have some freedoms as an adult.

I'm sorry you don't agree with his choice of companions. It's hard to see our kids getting hurt by people they care about. But, if the drama or distance of their relationship causes problems for him in his job or otherwise, then that's a consequence of his actions that he will have to face. If you have a concern, you should talk to him as an adult, but ultimately the decision is his. Loosen the apron strings, momma. If you don't want to be sucked into the drama in their relationship, then the boundaries that you can set are that she only has contact with him-she doesn't call you looking for him, she doesn't pop up out of nowhere without being invited, only stuff that directly affects you and your home. Otherwise, what drama he chooses to put up with is up to him.

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