my 23year old daugther

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/19/2014

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Perfectly calm, thanks hon! Just named you because your post was the best example here, not as an attack, but as an illustration. The post referred to was your "ok, so you would just let your 23 yr old daughter sneak out of the house to do those things and say nothing? If she was living under your roof or not?"

The reality of the situation is, at the age of 23, it's not sneaking out, its making a choice to leave your place of residence, and, as I said, it would be addressed in an appropriate manner (in my home) by the contract that the tenant and I enter into. The tenant, in this case, being the 23 YO.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/19/2014

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What world do you live in, that it's considered acceptable to punish your adult children?

Answer: NO, it is not ok to take an adult to task for making their own choices and living their own lives.

If the adult lives in your home, it is reasonable to expect all adults to adhere to the same policies, much as you would in a communal situation.

Furthermore, you, as a parent, may indicate your dislike of certain pursuits, but you in no way may attempt to control your adult kid. They can and will do as they please, and attempting to force compliance is going to backfire.

I don't monitor my 20 YO, I don't look into his accounts, I don't pay his bills, I don't pay his rent, and I don't take him to task if I don't like what he's doing. I may mention that he's making a stupid choice (if he is), but ultimately, its his to take responsibility for, not mine, and he's well aware that if he gets caught, he's expected to fulfill the punishment. If that's jail, it's jail.

So, for those such as Jackie, you may not LIKE what your adult kids do, but you cannot CONTROL them. You can only lead by example and hope that you raised 'em right.

When my kid reached adulthood, he and I had a contract for him living in my home, and no where in it did it say anything about curfew, or restrictions. Why? Because he's an adult, and I cannot control him in that manner. What WAS listed was 'respect for other household members, and night time hours'. In other words, do whatever, but respect that others in the home are asleep when you roll in at 3 am. Another contract item was 'no activity that is deemed illegal by local law or statute will be allowed on the premises'. In other words, no drinking or smoking pot whilst underage on my property.

Its always better to have adult discussions with adult children rather than try to dictate to them.

Jackie - posted on 08/19/2014

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Good :) But the issue for me is that tenant is not just a tenant they are your child your flesh and blood, and we don't know the whole situation here. I hate when people just post vague one-liners lol! I would bet that my talk with my child if she were doing something illegal or detrimental to her well being would probably sound a lot like scolding to her!

Dove - posted on 08/19/2014

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If my adult child is engaging in illegal or dangerous activities of course I would not just say nothing... but scolding an adult will get two adults... no where. Age does not equal maturity, but it DOES equal legal adult... and to scold an adult like you would a child for anything... is pointless.

Gena - posted on 08/19/2014

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you can talk to your child about the sneaking out,but i understand scolding is punishing or making a theatre about it, and i dont agree with that..not when the child is an adult with the Age of 23.

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Gena - posted on 08/19/2014

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It would be nice if Lucy the op would explain more,where her daughter goes to,what she understands with scolding etc! But the one line she postet..only refering to that, my answer is absoluty no!

Dove - posted on 08/19/2014

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Hey... I agree w/ Jackie on something! Sorry Jackie... doesn't happen often, so I wanted to make a point of it. ♥

One liner posts are SOOOO annoying. lol

Jackie - posted on 08/19/2014

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Calm down Shawnn. I think I said it depended on what she considered scolding and what the activity was. Never did I say to try and control anyone, what I was proposing is exactly what you have done and what I would similarly do. There would be contracts, rules, etc. Sometimes people can be deemed unfit to take care of themselves in legal matters, but who wants that. I have an adult child, and she is doing just fine, and like you I just pray that I have done my job and so far so good.

Jackie - posted on 08/19/2014

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I suppose that depends on what one means when they say "scold." Or the manner in which they do it. Like I said to this lady, it depends on what the nightly escape is, for instance. At least for me.

Jackie - posted on 08/19/2014

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I agree with that to a point, when my child is 23 and she lives on her own and is truly responsible for herself. I would not let my daughter sit back and destroy herself, without at least trying to intervene. That is my personal point of view. :)

Gena - posted on 08/19/2014

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i just read the german Translation of scolding to be sure i understand it correct..and no i still dont agree with it.

Gena - posted on 08/19/2014

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II wouldnt say anything because when my child is 23 she/he are adults and wont have to come home and report to me everything they do. And i would NEVER scold a 23 year old for sneaking out and maybe going to a disco or doing whatever. Thats my personal point of view.

Jackie - posted on 08/19/2014

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ok, so you would just let your 23 yr old daughter sneak out of the house to do those things and say nothing? If she was living under your roof or not?

Gena - posted on 08/19/2014

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Actually Jackie yes,even if she is a prostitute or a drug addict..she is 23!!! WAY to old to be 'scolded'!Her mom could speak to her,but not scold her.And would you still make that statement if she would be a prostitute or drug addict but lives in her own apartment? Living on your own also doesnt mean somebody is mature.

Jackie - posted on 08/19/2014

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I guess that depends on what the nightly "escape" is, whether or not she is living at home and whether or not she is contributing to the household...I do not agree with the statement she is an adult she can do whatever she wants , she can do whatever she wants on her own time, in her own apartment, and within the confines of the law so long as it affects no one but her. Age does not equal maturity. If this woman is a drug-addict or a prostitute or something would we still say "she can do whatever she wants"???

Dove - posted on 08/19/2014

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She's 23. She shouldn't need to 'escape'. Sure, if she still lives at home it is respectful to let you know where she is going and when she will be back, but she is an ADULT... not a child. Way too old to be 'scolded'. If you can't handle her being a grown woman and living at home... maybe it's time to talk to her about finding her own place (is she working? In school? etc...).

Gena - posted on 08/19/2014

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23..she is an adult,so no its not ok to scold her for that. Let her do what she wants,she is old enough to make her own choices.

Michelle - posted on 08/17/2014

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She's an adult so she can do what she wants. You also shouldn't be keeping her in or giving her a curfew for her to want to "escape".
Cut the apron strings and let your daughter live her own life and make her own decisions.

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