My 29-yo "step-daughter" is jealous, vindictive, cunning & now violent

Selena - posted on 08/18/2017 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I need a release and advice. Home from explosive vacation, going to set up counseling.

My significant other and I are not married, but have been in a committed partnership relationship for 7 years. We both have children. I have a 26-yo son, and my boyfriend has a 26-yo son and a 29-yo daughter.

His daughter is extremely jealous of our relationship. My boyfriend and I have been able to put up with it for awhile, but now that she has moved in with him (she is trying to start a new business), she has turned into a violent nightmare.

She was lovely to be around during the first three months of living with her dad. she had a key to both my main home and her dad's main home. She started calling me her step-mother, etc. Then one day she came over and wanted to talk about how things need to be now that she is living at home again.

She informed me that since we are now "three" in the "family" that the Wednesday "date nights" that I have always had with her dad need to include her now as well. In addition, the spontaneous weekend getaways need to include her as well as the main vacations need to be "family" vacations. If I did not agree and comply, then things would get ugly and if I had a "date night," then she would have a "date night." If I had a spontaneous weekend, then she would have a spontaneous weekend. If I had the main vacation with her dad, then she would have a main vacation with her dad.

I gently tried to tell her that that is not the way it is. Her dad and I have our own businesses and we work many hours. Our date nights and getaways were our way of connecting and growing together. That is what we do as we are both in our 50s and have raised our families. Travel and spending time together is what we cherish together.

We all had a three-way conversation one evening, and she was able to have her alone time with her dad on Monday and Tuesday evenings as well as dinner-date on Thursday nights. All of which she chose to not show for, choosing time with her friends instead.

Anyway...she has set out on a mission to lie to her dad about me saying that "she sees what type of person that I am and that her dad does not see it." She lies to her dad about me stating that I am doing things that I have no clue about, and makes up things about me that I have apparently done.

Her dad, of course, is a sweet and genuine man who likes to keep the peace. When she is mean to her dad, he stays away until he thinks she is in a better mood and everything is good again. They try to never discuss things as she throws things and flips tables over and is proud of it it seems.

It has come to the point where she has threatened me and I have had to change my locks. She has told her dad and extended family that i am trash, her dad's bitch, and a "real keeper." I realize she is burying herself by acting this way and everyone sees through it, but it is still hurtful.

There was a bad incident right before our vacation, that was swept under the rug. Since she started acting nice again, her father went ahead and bought her a ticket to join up with all of us for a family vacation. She had two blowups, which solidified her unstableness.

She has threatened to throw things at both of us as we are sitting there not engaging when she has her screaming fits wherein she is screaming nonsensical things with a gutteral scream. Her face turns shades of plum. It is extremely disturbing.

We came home after the vacation to his house and all inner door locks were busted and some doors splintered due to her locking them and either kicking them in or trying to bust out the locks. She said she moved out, but she still comes in and out as things in the house have been moved.

I have asked her dad to change the locks, but he has failed to do so as of yet. I also told him that I would not be staying at his place any longer until she gets some help and things get resolved. I am afraid, very afraid actually.

I am looking for a family counselor, but I still feel the need to reach out for help and advice here, as anything will help I think.

12 Comments

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Selena - posted on 08/22/2017

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I will definitely call the police if and when she threatens me or scares me in any way again.

My boyfriend and I started counseling today. Hopefully we can bring her into counseling as well. They will try to get her in to see her own counselor within the same group that we are in and then try to merge her into "family counseling" with us.

This is a good start.

Amorganjj - posted on 08/22/2017

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Call the police. Breaking into your home and destroying property is against the law. Many dads look the other way, don't want to admit how serious it is, blame you, make excuses for her and so on. Therapy is good but she is an adult so no one can make her go. She needs to be held accountable for her actions and violence is not something you or her dad can handle by yourself. I'm really worried for your safety. Ive seen these kind of situations get way worse so many times. Usually police intervention is too late. They aren't normally called until someone gets physically attacked. If he can't do what needs to be done to ensure you are safe in your home then you need to go as hard as it is. Youu need to leave and go stay with a friend or family. The sooner the better.

Selena - posted on 08/22/2017

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Thank you, Brandy. My boyfriend and I had our first counseling session today. He did most of the talking. I was able to talk a bit, but that was good. The counselor was able to get the big picture.

It basically boils down to the counselor says he sees this often, usually with younger children, but he does see it with older adult children from time-to-time too, especially with my generation of divorce and the way society is now with this generation of children. Many parents do not set limits and boundaries with their children. His daughter has to know her limits and boundaries, and my boyfriend needs to learn how to navigate through "conflict" or "situations that can turn into conflict." He despises conflict and walks away from it and stays away until it passes. It never gets addressed.

With the very little that I was able to input during this initial counseling session, my boyfriend told me after in the parking lot, with teary eyes, that he had no idea that I was dealing with this much and how it was affecting me. Wow! I did not really have the chance to even go into it. I have tried to talk to him about it, but I never really get to as, like I said, he cannot deal with conflict. He wants peace only. (Don't we all?)

We will be going to weekly counseling in the beginning. My boyfriend's guidance from the counselor was that he needs to learn the skills to navigate through conflict. His daughter hopefully will be able to fit in with a separate counselor within the same group, and then when she (we) are ready, she will merge into "family" counseling.

I have no idea yet the counselor will have me work on, as we did not get that far. But this is all good... going in the right direction I think, hope, and pray.

UPDATE: I re-read what I wrote. I gave the wrong impression. My boyfriend does know what I/we have been going through. He just seems to let his soft-side show up after awhile and buries things so that he does not get upset. He saw my hands shaking and heard the words again about what she has done and has been doing and it brought it into reality again for him. I am so surprised that he said he did not know how badly this was affecting me. That truly blows my mind. Counseling is going to be good. I am so glad that I scheduled it and did not put it off for another day. Fingers crossed. I truly do not want to end my relationship with him.

Brandy - posted on 08/21/2017

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i think some family therapy would be best then maybe it would click to her that yall are now a family unit and youre not going anywhere. im 24 and it amazes me that shes acting this way. yes i had my rebelious years but most teenagers do, but she isnt a teenager anymore and you would think that she would be mature enough to handle her father dating another woman expecially if her parent relationship was nothing but arguing, im not sure why she wouldnt be glad to see her father happy with another woman. call dr phil he'll know what to do lol... sorry that was a joke. but i do watch the show and i see families on there going thru this stuff all the time. i really do think that if your boyfriend isnt wanting to stand his ground with her then maybe you need to. just explain that you wouldnt allow anyone to treat you this way and youre not going to tolerate it with her either, maybe he will appreciate the fact that youre willing to step up and try to solve the problem.

Selena - posted on 08/21/2017

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Hi, Brandy.

Her biological mother and her have an on-again/off-again relationship. My boyfriend and his ex-wife pretty much fought the last 10 years of their marriage. His ex, the daughter's mother, apparently verbally attacked everyone in the house and was a bitter woman. I have never met her, but the family seems to concur with the same stories. It seems as though the daughter is heading down the same path. Very sad and alarming to me.

My boyfriend and I currently do not live together. However, his house and my house we both call each other's homes.

Trying to set house rules down, but my boyfriend despises any type of conflict and would rather turn the other cheek to keep the peace, not realizing really that he is enabling her to continue with this behavior...negative attention that eventually enables her to get her way.

Hopefully the counseling will help. It is really taking a toll on me... and him.

Brandy - posted on 08/21/2017

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wow sounds like youre on the right track with seeking some therapy. at her age there is no reason for her to be acting this way. where is her biological mother and what type of relationdship does she have with her? maybe shes seeking attention weather it be possitive or negative, maybe she has some sort of abandoment issues that need to be addressed. also if you and your boyfriend are very serious and living together then yall need to set some rules for yalls home, its not just her dads house anymore, its you and your boyfriends and yall are the adults. either way good luck with everything and i hope yall can eventually come together as a family

Michelle - posted on 08/19/2017

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I agree that Dad needs to step up and be the parent. It should have been done years ago as she is showing that she has been allowed to get away with what she wants.
She is an adult and if she doesn't have enough savings to start her own business and support herself then she needs to go back to save money.
I have started my own business and was still working full time to help pay for it. In April I stepped down to casual as the business didn't need me to work so many hours. There is no way I would be living with either of my parents just because I wanted to start my own business.

Selena - posted on 08/19/2017

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So true, Dove. I love my boyfriend with all of my heart. It kills me to think of leaving him, even though I have been entertaining the thought as I am very worried about my well-being and what she may do.

Her dad has started to put his foot down, I think, since the vacation. He definitely is talking the talk. He just has not had contact with her yet; so I am unsure if he will follow through.

Counseling is being set up now. I will see how that goes. Hopefully it will give him more courage to stick to his guns and not let her manipulate him when she is in her calm "normal" moods.

Selena - posted on 08/19/2017

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Hi, Sarah. She moved in with her dad as she quit her CPA position with a very good company. She hated being a CPA and blames her parents for "forcing" her into this career path.

She decided to travel to South America for a year, as she wanted to design have made messenger bags and other goods. She has moved back to the US and into her dad's house as she needed to find markets to sell her goods. So far she does not have a continuous stream of income coming in to support herself.

She has "moved out" now, I think; still not sure. She has one friend left in the area of whom I believe she has moved in with. Still too close for comfort.

Sarah - posted on 08/18/2017

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Yikes! Why does dad put up with her behavior? She's grown, he needs to get her out of his home. Maybe he can offer to pay for counseling he is feels badly but she has crossed too many lines at this point. Time to go out and fend for herself? BTW why does she need to live with her father anyway?

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