My 2nd husband hates my ex-husband so much he wants out

Lindsay - posted on 08/08/2016 ( 6 moms have responded )

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So I was married to my HS sweetheart, unfortunately drugs and alcohol were more important than me and the kids. I got a divorce. I met a man very quickly after who was wonderful. We dated for two years and then got married. We are now 2 years in and have a 1yo. He HATES my ex. My ex has since gotten his life in order and is doing good. We are just now starting to get along. It was really bad for awhile. The problem is that now we are cooperating, my husband has become irrational. The kids are now old enough to walk home from school so that means there is no after school care place for my ex to pick them up. I said it was ok for him to pick them up from the house. He gets them even before I get home. This has become such a problem for my husband that now he wants out. He says that I go out of my way to make it easy on my ex. My ex has had to work late a few times and so I kept the kids on his day. I don't see this as a big deal. My husband says I don't care about him and that he wishes he would get killed (he is deployed) so he wouldn't have to stress about it. He now wants nothing to do with me, won't talk to me. I think it is important for my ex and I to be civil and help each other out when it comes to the kids. If I put them in after school care it would cost me more than I can handle. I am at a loss. Am I being to nice to my ex or just being an adult?

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/08/2016

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I agree with Michelle and Ev.

However, you mentioned that he is in the military, and currently deployed...which could be a source of some of his insecurity. He is away, with really no option to come home to you. You are successfully co parenting with your ex, which he knows you need to do, but he also sees that as you interacting with the man you were once in love with, who is (right now) geographically closer to you . Not physically, or emotionally closer, but that is hard to differentiate when you are half way around the world.

Not sure what you can do about that part of the picture...

But you keeping the kids on the nights you ex works? More practical than a sitter, and shows the kids that you and their dad can interact without stressing.

Michelle - posted on 08/08/2016

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You are doing everything right for the sake of your children.
Your husband needs to grow up and accept that you will be connected to your ex for the rest of your life. It sounds like your husband is very insecure and that's something that he has to work on.
Maybe try counseling so he can understand what it means to be a step parent.

I have co-parented for over 12 years now and my husband fully accepts that there are times that we have to have the boys longer or their Father will want them longer. It pays off in the long run to be flexible and talk through things together (your ex and you). I quite often get my boys from the Dad's place and my ex even dropped off my 2nd son last night after he was released from the hospital. It's my week but my ex took him to the appointment so I could get my other 2 from school. My ex even offers to look after my daughter (not his) when we are stuck for sitters.
We are all adults and have the interests of the children in mind, not our own feelings and thoughts.

Ev - posted on 08/08/2016

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You are being both. You are also in the right. You are doing what needs to be done to facilitate a relationship for the kids with their dad. He has had the courage to overcome his problems and better himself and he is now able to parent like he should. Your husband needs to grow up and learn that your kids' relationship with dad is just as important as it is for him and even you. He has to learn to understand that you are working on getting along with dad so things can go smoothly for the kids. He knew what he was getting into when he met you and then later married you. He needs to be an adult. He also needs to be flexible.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/10/2016

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Wow. So your husband has some mental issues like depression or something else. You don't just wish to be killed and manipulate someone with your words like that. He needs to get therapy and grow up.

Your ex is going to be in your life forever because you have children. If your husband cannot handle that, and does not get therapy or work through his issues, maybe it IS time for him to leave. He absolutely has no say in your parental arrangements with your childrens father.

Lindsay - posted on 08/09/2016

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I'm beginning to think that also, I will look into whether or not there are services. As it goes on, it seems more and more like there is a much deeper issue...

Jodi - posted on 08/08/2016

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I'm actually concerned there may be a deeper issue with your current husband. Saying things about getting killed while on deployment indicates that perhaps there is something else going on. This is quite an extreme thing to say. Is it possible he is experiencing some issues with his mental health at the moment?

You are doing all the right things, but I'm sensing not only insecurity in your husband, but maybe something deeper. Does he have access to mental health services where he is?

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