My 3 year old is lying about what happens at daycare.

Stacey - posted on 06/27/2011 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Hi-

I'm a young,single mother. I am 23 and my son is 3 1/2. Anyway, he goes to daycare three nights a week, and it's the best daycare! He always tells me he LOVES the provider and the other kids. We've had other daycares in the past but it never lasted long because they weren't loving or caring enough and he hated it, as did I. Well he loves going to this daycare and always asks every day if he can go, she's been open 13 years and has many loyal clients. She has a five year old son, Michael, who is a nice enough kid. For the last few weeks, my son has been repeatedly telling me "Micheal hates me"....and it kept escalating to "Michael hits me, won't let me have a turn, won't let me play with the toys, tells me I'm stupid....etc." He even tried telling me Mr.C, the provider's husband, hit him.



Now I am absolutely certain that none of this is true. This is a respectable daycare in a very nice area and all the children have been attending for years, problem free. I can see they all love it and I know my son does too! I was alarmed at first and brought it up several times to the provider. I started worrying that he was being bullied. The provider in this daycare is very hands on and is with the children 95% of the time and she said she'd monitor her son and my son, and started really cracking down on her son pretty bad when my son would tattle. Well now her son won't go anywhere near my son and is upset that his mom seems to be favoring Peyton, and told her he wont play with Peyton because he always gets in trouble (for stuff he didn't do!). Once you ask my son after Michael gets in trouble, he'll admit nothing happened. Today my provider said, that when it wasn't Peyton's turn on the trampoline, he told her "if you don't let me have a turn I'm gonna tell my mommy that you spanked me." He rarely lies about anything else, but when he does he always says "I didn't mean to". I think he is jealous of her son because he has light sabres and tons of legos and everything he could want, while my son and I are living with my mom because my boyfriend left, and a lot of his toys are in storage. He's used to being with me all the time and is probably jealous of Micheal getting time with his mommy. Either way, I am really not sure of how to 'reprimand' a three year old for lying, and in a way, threatening an adult! She told me tonight that if it keeps happening and he keeps making up these stories about physical altercations she won't watch him anymore because it puts her family and job at stake.



Tonight we watched the VeggieTales movie about Larry Boy and the Giant Fib, and I tried to explain to Peyton that Junior got himself in really big unnecessary trouble because he told a lie.The provider and I decided on a plan of when Peyton says something happened, I explain to him that we are going to go talk with her and Michael and see why, and if he's lying he'll have time out and mommy will be upset, or he can tell me what really happened. I am figuring out now, that if I ask him certain questions when he tells me a story I'll get to the bottom of it, but this isn't really solving the problem.



I really love my daycare, I doubt I could find a better one. People always say my son is super smart for his age, he can already read all of his letters, write half of them, and can hold a conversation with just about anyone. I think that it has it's obvious disadvantages. Anyone have any advice? And as far as being concerned about what he's saying being true, my fears are completely at rest, I know he is not being bullied or picked on. I love this daycare and really want to keep him there, and I want my son to stop telling stories!! Thanks for any insight.



Stacey

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[deleted account]

Hi there I am a childminder myself. And currently have a very advanced almost three yr old telling her Mum and Dad lies about me saying I slap her and put her in naughty corner and tell her she is bad, I'm minding children for almost 14 yrs and have never had this happen before, her Mum doesn't believe she could lie about something like this as she would never see it happening so how would she know to say such things? So all I can say is children do lie not because they really know they are lying but tell stories I like to think of it anyway! I'm really upset by this! Her parents tend to give too much attention to the child and don't believe in discipline so I think this is where the conflict of interest is coming from as I'm not afraid to say no to the child. Hope this helps you to know tat yes children can lie, Dublin Ireland

[deleted account]

Wow! You do seem to have a child that is really trying to get your attention. How much time are you spending with him one on one? He seems to really need the bonding with you and also he needs his own toys.

Living with parents is not easy, I am a grandma and my son and grandchildren came to live with me for quite some time. It is not an easy thing on either side. Our houses are not set up for a 3 yr old anymore and our lifestyles have changed immensely since we havn't had small children in it for many, many moons.

On the adult parent side, it is very hard to be in your parents home, always worring about your child getting into Grandmas things and not having your own space or 'being a bother ' to your parents. Also the feeling of guilt for not being able to provide for your child. Having to live under your parents rules and not feeling as if you can raise your child your own way. We all know Grandma tells us how to raise our own children. LOL!!!

We are elated our Children / grandchildren are there, because we love our kids, but it can cause alot of stress for everyone, just because of lifestyle differences.

Anyways, I guess what I am trying to say is, It is a hard situation you are in and your stress could be filtering down to your son. He feels all of your tension and he has no way to get it out.

My first peice of advice is to make sure you are not talking about any of your problems in front of him(not saying you are) and make sure he know in his heart that everything is normal.

2nd, as stated before, he NEEDS his own toys,

3rd- he needs constant confirmation from you in actions that everything is great and he needs strict scheduling and Consistency.

4th- TALK to him, spend quality time with him- lots of it

5th- he is definitley sensing the tension between you and your BF(his dad I am assuming) and needs confirmation his dad has not abandoned him. Abandonment issues always turn into negative reaction from a child in very different ways than we would deal with them. If their is no contact with the dad, then you need to talk to your son about it, and explain things to him and make sure he understands that you will NEVER leave him.

I personally do not think he is acting out because of the day care, It has to do with something going on at home. He is trying to get someones attention-either yours or his Dad's. This is what you as a parent need to figure out.

I personally do not think HE needs counseling as someone suggested, but you may want to seek help(maybe a parenting class or group) to figure out what is missing in your relationship with your son.

Once you get a handle on it, he will quit acting out.

Please understand I am NOT saying you ar a bad parent, we have ALL been there, and talking to different people and getting ideas is exactly the right thing to do. Sometimes we get so caught up in our own struggles we dont see the ones that are most important. HE is the most important one right now!

Good luck and keep us posted on how he is doing. I will keep you in my prayers. :)

Katherine - posted on 06/28/2011

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If you haven't heard your child tell a whopper yet, don't be shocked if the day arrives soon. She may vigorously deny having broken your antique china cup even if you saw her do it. Why? It's not malicious, you'll be glad to hear. If the incident happened more than a few hours ago, she may truly not recall it, for one thing. Three-year-olds' memories are still short, especially for anything that makes them uncomfortable. Or she may remember, but understanding that it wasn't the right thing to do, she now wishes that she hadn't touched it. So she convinces herself — and then tries to convince you — of her innocence by wishing the smash away. Children don't tolerate emotional pain, so they reinvent their own reality or pass the buck to someone else. This process is quite automatic as children become convinced of the truth of what they're saying.



Intentional, manipulative, or malevolent intent to deceive doesn't happen at this age. Try not to accuse your child directly, especially if you know she's guilty. Instead, say something like, "I saw you knock over the cup. You need to tell me when things like that happen. Come help me clean it up." You want her to be able to come to you and speak the truth without fearing your anger or harsh reprimands. You can teach her an appropriate response and a way to make up for the harm. Above all, your child needs to know that you love her no matter what mistakes she makes.



http://www.babycenter.com/6_your-3-3-4-y...





So basically you're dead on. He is jealous. Can you get his things out of storage? Maybe he is also having a hard time since you split with your boyfriend?



I can't imagine a 3.5 year old making up that many lies, and the seriousness of the lies, on purpose. Something else is going on with him.



Was he close with your BF? Is that his father? Maybe counseling wouldn't hurt......







*****Edit to add: The article states: Intentional, manipulative, or malevolent intent to deceive doesn't happen at this age. Which is interesting in your case.

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Jenn - posted on 06/28/2011

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Lying consistently at age 3 doesn't happen often UNLESS they are mirroring the behavior. You say your child is smart and it could very well be that the boy he lies about is also the one he's copying. Five year olds do try out lying and pushing the limits of fibbing. Little children who go on and on about another child are generally either taken with that child or bothered by him/her enough that it can consume them.

Depending on the reaction when your son tells you or others these tall tales, it could also spur him on to spin more lies. It might help if someone else your son trusts has a light conversation with him. Maybe while playing toys, that person (obviously an adult) could ask some questions about school, get your son talking about the other child. Children always speak with a grain of truth...even if it is the smallest grain. He could be hearing things from the five year old who may actually be dealing with his own issues (leading to the talk of spanking, being stupid, etc). And maybe your son IS jealous of the boy. But the fact that he's constantly lying about what that boy is doing makes me think it is something else. Is your son better when the other boy's mother pays more attention to YOUR son rather than her own? Could be jealousy there too. Children don't view the world we do so you have to try and get down on their level and try to figure out where they are coming from in their behavior.

Patricia - posted on 06/28/2011

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yes of course he needs structure and love and it sounds like his concerned mommy gives him plenty Katherine but I believe stacey was asking ideas for reprimanding him. unless I read something wrong but none the less in figuring out his issues surley must be done but in the mean time he still needs to understand lifes rules. Lying is not acceptable and should never be tolerated. I agree with Stacey its hard to reprimand a 3 year old for lying but it has to be done.

Katherine - posted on 06/28/2011

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I disagree Patricia. He DOES need the structure and love and support. There is a REASON he is lying. She needs to find out that reason. When she finds that out she can deal with it in an appropriate manner.

I'm not saying give him a free pass, but the little boy has issues to be dealt with.

Patricia - posted on 06/28/2011

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Karen I somewhat agree with the idea that MOST 31/2 year olds aren't capable of a malicious calculated lie. However in this day and age I do believe it can happen. I have actually witnessed it and this kid knew exactly what he was doing. Stacey I hope things work out for you and I will say this..... I am happy your child is being well taken care of and not being abused. I think you should just stay on his little behind make him accountable for his behavior. Try your best to make him understand that only bad things come from lying. Being soft isnt going to help him one bit. Allowing a child to get away with lying because he 3 and not capable of a conscious lie is a mistake. we could go on for days about why he told a lie oh because his dads not around or his home life is not structured or whatever may be less than perfect to so and so the reasons dont matter. What matters is that lying is wrong no matter what age and that you are his mother and that its not good to piss momma off! He will get it eventually!

[deleted account]

I am sorry Stacey,
Never meant to make you feel that way, In your first post, you mentioned you had to move in with your mom and your BF left, these are all thngs that can trigger these kinds of reactions from kids. In further explanation, you have given much more info. As I said, I am sorry you took it the wrong way. It just sounded to me like you had alot of complications going on. You sound like a vey loving mother, and kudos to you for doing it all alone. I too had to raise mine alone. sounds like maybe you have found the triger, and just need to figure out the solution.
Sorry to upset you

Stacey - posted on 06/28/2011

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to Karen Hansel-
I work second shift, and I spend every single minute of every day with my son. We have a routine of watching Sesame street in the morning, eating breakfast, and playing all day. He takes a nap at the same time, every day.I'm a very loving mother and show him and tell him so all the time. We're very physical in the aspect of hugs, kisses and cuddles. I can send him on a laughing fit very easily. We have a pretty good relationship, and he's a great kid. He rarely even gets in trouble at home he's really well behaved. He even eats just like me, organic and lots of veggies and fruit. We go to the zoo, the children's museum, the park. I have a great jogging stroller and we jog to the park every day, and I let him decide how we get there. I've always loved children and am very hands on, I don't mind playing in the sand box with him and playing in his silly imaginary games. I'm not saying I'm a perfect parent, but I would say I spend more time than a normal parent would with their child. My provider thinks that since he doesn't get as much personal attention at daycare, that he's trying for attention there. Not to mention, he sees her and I discussing this all the time, and when he brings it up to me, it would turn into a ten minute conversation, thus he's getting attention for it then. Basically we've decided to stop indulging him when he tells a story.
My son's father has never come around, we were young and he decided that if I wanted to have the baby, it's solely my responsibility and his family has backed him on that. As far as my boyfriend that left, I can't imagine my son had any attachment to him.He and I dated on and off for three years, but Peyton barely ever met him as I'm not much for bringing non-serious men around my son. After three years of dating we finally decided to become more serious and moved in together to a really nice place. Well, he didn't come home at all for the first week and when he did, he said he couldn't do it and took all of his stuff and left. So my son met him a few times, but not enough to have an issue over it. Anyway there was no way I could afford the place on my own, so here we are at my mom's.

My mom needs someone living with her, to watch her and help her out. She is grateful we are here and we all make the best of it. She works during the day and I do at night, so it works out well. It does get frustrating sometimes but not often. With my mom being sick all the time and then getting better, we're happy to have her better and I would say she's one of my best friends. She's who I trust most when it comes to babysitting my son.

He does have lots, and lots, of toys here. But not a lot of new ones, for his age. Michael has EVERYTHING boy of their age could want, and more. Not to mention he has a very very best friend who is there when Peyton is, and he and his buddy aren't too keen on letting Peyton play with them.

I also wonder if he has has issues because of how my sister has been acting. She's older, and when Peyton was born, she was like his other parent. She absolutely adored him and wanted to spend all the time she could with him. Now she has her own son. Ever since she had her son, it's as if she does not even like Peyton. Everything he says to her seems to annoy her and she's very rude. Suffice to say she doesn't seem him much anymore because I don't like my son to be treated this way.

All in all, I do a lot as a parent, but I am his ONLY parent. Most children have two people loving them and offering encouragement, whereas my son doesn't. And perhaps even though I do as much as I can it still won't equal the love of two parents.

This issue with Michael is the only concern I have with my son. Michael has admitted that he did hit Peyton once when Peyton broke his spaceship. I think Peyton liked the attention he got and liked seeing Michael in trouble with mommy, cuz it got Peyton time with her.

Also, could've definitely done without the "wow!"....that was rude.

Stacey

Michelle - posted on 06/28/2011

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Wow, your son is telling some whopper of stories. I am a daycare provider and have been doing daycare since 2004. I just had my 6th child and I also provide some evening care for a few families.
I feel that he is looking for attention. I think that since your bf left your son may be having difficulties understanding why he left. I would suggest spending more time with him and try talking to him so you can see where this is coming from. Having him watch the Veggie Tales show about fibbing is a great tool!
If you do find any parenting class I would take it. As a daycare provider I am required to take a certain number of classes per year and it not only helps with my daycare it helps with my own family too. I find them very beneficial.
And last I hope the daycare provider will give you a little more understanding and help you through this. I don't think it will happen for long and with some guidance from you and the provider your son should stop soon.

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