Djjj - posted on 06/08/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )
They think I am stupid. I am used and lied to and laughed at. why do I let myself go in denial and try to give them the forgiveness of the prodigal son. How many times do I need to forgive before I am with out money or home? I feel so alone. I cannot talk to anyone about my situation. My sister has made up her mind a long time ago to hate my son. she has no children of her own. Her husband has a disease, (alcoholism) but my drug addicted son is just a lying thief. I guess she makes me see the truth and that hurts. So how do I go on. I tried everything. I am just too old for this. I am sorry I am not making sense, I have so much to say. I have two sons and their girlfriends who come at me from every direction with lies and manipulations. How they must hate me so. I have been a single mother since my youngest was 5 months old. He is 38 year old now and his brother is 40. I am a fool and a hypocrite. I advise others not to "Enable" but I find myself over and over again doing just that. It is really pathetic when a mother has to hang on to the words "I love you" knowing it is just an empty gesture on their part. I am a Christian. I believe that Jesus loves me or I would not have come this far in life. The thing about Jesus is that I cannot feel his arms around me. I just exist and for what. Every time the phone rings I fear its the morgue calling about one of my children. It was only a month ago my one son was on life support because of a drug deal gone bad. His girlfriend was upset and crying because she needed a fix. there is just too much to say and well, I thank you for allowing me to get it out of my system. I guess what I am looking for is the hurt of my children walking all over me to go away as well as the hurt of saying no to them and watching them suffer. Am I the monster because I won't take them in anymore? Is knowing they are homeless in the rain and snow , hot and cold with no money, food or shelter part of the enabling process? Every time I bring them home to give them shelter and help, it last a few days and then the cycle begins all over again. Out of all the thousands of dollars that they have stolen from me and I have given them it was the "$2.00 beer" that put me over the edge. Can anyone understand that? I want my sons back. Its been so long I feel as though they died a long time ago. I am living a false grieving period and its killing me now I think. I want to run but don't know where to go. Its funny how I can sit here at the computer moving my fingers to the words in my head, but I have no desire to move any other part of my body and I just sit from sun up to sun down in one place going in and out of consciousness. I hurt and I am scared and I am numb and I am crying. who am I. what happen to me? I am so alone. I know I am feeling sorry for myself. It sounds selfish even to me. I shouldn't be using my energy on myself I need to focus on how to help my sons.