My 4 yr old son is calling my ex husbands GF mum and now she's making appts with his kindy without my ex being there.

Nicola - posted on 08/08/2013 ( 6 moms have responded )

64

0

3

My 4 yr old son is calling my ex husbands GF mum and now she's making appts with his kindy without my ex being there.

For the last year my son has been coming home from his fortnightly weekend visits at his fathers place calling my ex-husbands girlfriend mum.

It's becoming more and more noticeable as every second Monday when she drops him to preschool my son will talk about his weekend with his preschool teachers and instead of using her name, he will say "mum this and mum that".
He also says it at home during conversation with my 2 older children who find it very difficult, largely due to the resentment they hold from domestic violence we experienced from my 4 year olds sons, father.

It's really upset me and I've cried myself to sleep many times over it because it just feels like another slap in the face.

Then today when I collected my son from his other preschool, I was told that my exs girlfriend had attended a Speach therapy appt with my 4 year old son and without my ex even being there.

I felt really betrayed.
I try to rationalise it in my head by telling myself that its good that she seems like she wants to help, but another part of me feels like she's some creepy crazy woman who wants to take my son away from me.

Am I over reacting? I havnt had time to really think this over, but my initial reaction was warning bells :(

Please let me know your thoughts ?

6 Comments

View replies by

JPatrick - posted on 08/12/2013

50

0

2

All you can really do is make your objections known to your ex and his gf, and ask them to pick an alternate nickname. This isn't one of those things where the court will intervene (i.e. no abuse at issue), so you'll have to try it work it out yourselves. I have a male friend whose ex-gf had told him she was pregnant and not sure who the dad was, but was either my friend's or some 1-night stand after they split up. This woman ended up moving in with some other guy while preganant and called him "Daddy T" as soon as the baby was born before my friend could even get a DNA test to find out he was the father. He then got visitation and complained about this other guy being called 'daddy', but was nothing he could do. In the end, your son will end up calling the gf whatever he is comfortable with, but it's nice when all parents are on board and encouraging the same thing.

Mommy - posted on 08/12/2013

19

0

1

Another thing. I was in an abusive relationships before, do it let them bully you. They are cowards!!! I had an ex that try to make me think I was crazy. Well I was crazy for staying with him as long a I did. You are not with that asshole anymore do not let him walk over you in anyway. He sounds passive aggressive and like a wimp using a woman to accuse you of things that are it true.

Mommy - posted on 08/12/2013

19

0

1

I have been on both ends. I would definitely not want any of my kids calling another woman mom/mum. I am being falsely accused in court now as well. The real mother is sort of a cold personality, she seems to use everyone even her kids. My husband had to report her and her bf bc they were punishing the kids strangely. The kids did all the housework, were assigned one plate per child, would have to clean up their cigarette butts and beer bottles. My 12 year old step son told us during spring break visit, they live 600 miles away we were returning them. He also said thu have to do physical punishments such as sit ups and running laps. The boy didn't load the dishwasher one night so his mom woke him up and made him run laps in the cold in the backyard. When my husband reported them to child protective she immediately called an told him to come pick him up, she did not want a "spy" living in her home. Even before we knew all of this she had sent her daughter down with us when we went to visit them. It just crazy. Anyway, her defense to the court papers is hilarious. She's saying my daughters and I speak I the dead and practice witch craft with crystals!!!! Haha I could not believe it. I don't care what people do but I don't do that stuff. I'm sorry I ranted about my stuff. I need to post my own questions. I think you are a real mom, what I'm dealing with is not. I think your ex may be trying to manipulate your child if he's hearing him call his gf mom and not correcting that. I would even wonder if they are encouraging it. You can address that if you had a lawyer. My sisters ex put it in paperwork that only he should be called dad. I know it be hard but I think you should definatey talk to the gf and your ex. Surely he would not want your son calling someone else dad. I would ask him that.

Leela - posted on 08/10/2013

222

0

30

Hi Nicola. It's great that she's stepping up as a step mom, but she's stepping over the line. Have a talk with both your ex and his wife. Let them know that it's confusing for your child to call 2 women 'mom'. I'm sure there's a very nice alternate name he can use for her. With regards to the school visit - def not ok. Set your boundaries or its going to get worse. Let the school know who they should meet with etc - give explicit instructions so they aren't caught in the middle of the drama. Good luck!

Nicola - posted on 08/10/2013

64

0

3

Thanks for your reply Kandice,
Yes I feel for your step daughter, it must be difficult for her to know that her mum is around but has only seen her for 2 weeks in 7 months when she has primary custody :(

In your situation she sounds blessed to have you to give her the security and love that helps compensate for her mothers absence.
I'm not sure what her mum is going through, it would have to be awful, but if goodness forbid.. If I wasn't able to care for my beautiful babies, I'd like to think that id be selfless enough to respect and be very grateful for another loving mother to give them what I couldn't. I have much respect for you!

Having said that, in my situation, when my ex met his girlfriend my kids had a loving home with me, my son was happy and was seeing his father a few times a week.

He then took me to court for full custody and had his girlfriend write an affidavit which was very hurtful. She wrote that she believed my son to be better with her and outlined that she could give him the family that he'd never had.
This was very naive as she was fairly new and was led to believe that I was mentally ill as opposed to myself and my children recovering from the domestic violence that her new boyfriend (my ex husband) had put my children and I through.

In the end the court dismissed they're accusations.. I have to say, they picked some whammies such as Munchousen by proxy to name one. This one came with a jail sentence!

It then came down to a parental consenting order.
My ex has the same amount of care of our son which he had prior to court. Since then I've had to forgive in order to productively move forward with life for my little ones and myself.

Its a year later and mothers day i went shopping and got her a little gift (from my son, not me) as a thank you for being his step mum and as a gesture of kindness as my son does really like her.

So I am really trying as she seems to still in my exhusbands life regardless of his abusive past.
But it's a hard line as her actions in the past haven't been respectful to me as my sons mother, so when things like this happen, it brings up huge warning bells.

And lastly, I really do hope that my ex has changed and won't hurt her or her children like he did mine.
However she's an adult and during court the truth with proof came out.
I guess if she chooses to deny that, it's a concern :(

X

Mommy - posted on 08/09/2013

19

0

1

I am somewhat on the opposite end if your question. I have a four year old step daughter. I have 3 older daughters and one baby daughter with my husband. I also have a step son, his other child. I've been in my step daughters life for two years. My situation is that the mother moved out of state, and I've been the primary caretaker of my step daughter off and on on the beginning, and steadily for the last 7 months. She's only been with her mom for 2 weeks in the last 7 months, the mothers choice even though she has primary custody. (We are in court now trying to establish custody since she is physically here more). In the beginning my stepdaughter would try to call my mommy and I would correct her. Lately she's trying to again. As a mom I know I wouldn't want that. I love her like one of my own but respect that title of mom, even towards a bad mom. I am not saying you are one, that's my situation. I don't want to take her moms place but you can't feel motherly love towards a child you're helping to raise. In my case though bc the mom is absent I have begun to feel like her mom. I feel sorry for her calling mom bc I know she needs that. I think you should talk to your ex husbands gf. Tell her you appreciate what she does for your child but its been bothering you that your child is calling her mum. If you are involved in your child's life I don't think he should call her mom. It's different if you abandon the child. Sorry to hear about the abuse. I'd wonder if he is abusing her as well. I was in a similar situation many years ago, and my ex quickly began abusing his gf so I could not allow the kids around him any longer. Good luck.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms