My 5 year old daughter feels disloyal by liking my boyfriend?

Paula Lucy - posted on 08/20/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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We've just moved back to Cardiff, where I'm from and moved in with my boyfriend. He's been on the scene since me& my ex split up(when my daughter was 2). My daughter was very frosty and aloof with my boyfriend to start off with but over time and with a lot of effort from both of us she grew to like him& they got on really well. It's now 3 years on, fed up with having a long distance relationship, i took the plunge and moved back home to be with him. We've been really careful to make sure she still has plenty of mummy time(because she's used to having me to herself the majority of the time), fun 'park&swimming time' with my boyfriend. All was going hunky dory until the first handover with her dad last week and I think it's thrown her emotions into torment. She's obviously trying to make sense of it all, she likes to look at the baby photo albums of her when me& her daddy were still together. It's like a switch has been flicked and this week she's slammed her door in my boyfriends face, called him silly and mocked him, pushed and hit him..basically lashing out at him because I suppose he's the biggest change in our life so she blames him. Now my ex doesn't help at all as he's quite suffocating with her, has cried in front of her saying 'mummy wants to take you away from me'& other lovely things..that he was going to write to the court so she could live him(she immediately said she didn't want to and that she was happy in Cardiff) so my poor baby has all this to contend with at the moment and it hurts me that she's hurting. I've tried to protect her for so long(mainly by keeping my ex sweet as he had this horrible bitter streak in him)..then it hurts me when she's horrible to my boyfriend as he really is such a good person, so patient and puts so much effort in. It's taking a toll on him and us and I just would like some advice as to what I/we should do?!

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Paula Lucy - posted on 08/20/2013

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Thank you Chet:-) they were really lovely words that I can gain strength fromxxx

Chet - posted on 08/20/2013

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Be strong and consistent for your daughter. She's gone through a lot of changes and needs some things in her life to remain stable. Definitely make it clear to her that it's okay to feel angry or hurt or frustrated or sad, but it is not okay to push, hit, or make fun of people. You have the right to feel how you feel, but you don't have the right to be mean to people. Help her to think of some better things to do in response to her feelings. Continue to strengthen your relationship with your daughter and to support your boyfriend in strengthening his own relationship with her (even if the progress is slow and comes in smaller steps). This isn't an easy thing to go through, but if you pull together instead of letting this come between you will be stronger as a family in the end. It's easy to feel like we need to protect our children from all difficult things, but really, we need to help them through difficult times. That's how you really help kids to grow up emotionally and psychologically ready to face the world.

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