My 5 year old is driving me INSANE!

Heather - posted on 06/13/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right category or topic or whatever but please, someone give me some advice. I am at my wits end! My 5 year old daughter is a terror. Seriously! I guess I will start by saying I was a young mom. 15 when I had her in 2008 and her dad was very abusive/crazy etc. and I felt so lost and trapped that I knew the best thing for her was to let my grandmother take her until I could get my life straight. Finally when my daughter was 3 years old I was "ready" by this time I had already gotten engaged, had a nice house, a great job and a 3 month old daughter. I pictured my life being so perfect when I brought my oldest home. Boy was I WRONG. She came to my house and "ruined" my life ... trashing my house, digging things out of my fridge early in the morning and throwing/squirting them EVERYWHERE. She figured out the child lock on my cabinet and dumped a whole bottle of Windex into our fish tank (killing our entire saltwater community) she started pooping her pants on purpose (yes I took her to the doctor and nothing was wrong) she would pee in the toilet but poop her pants. She would throw toys at her 3 month old sister randomly and laugh. So I thought daycare would help. A few weeks after we enrolled her we thought we saw improvement. Nope. She started blurting out nasty inappropriate things like "let’s play sex" and “I want to kill you" or "I’ll stab everyone with knives" then she started trashing the house again. Finally, she did it. She drove my ex so insane that he dumped me and kicked us out. His exact words were “I hate her. I absolutely hate her. She’s the devil" I was so embarrassed and hurt because I couldn't understand why she was so bad. Well suddenly she started behaving. The next year was perfect and now, here we are AGAIN she's horrible! She's pooping her pants and throwing temper tantrums over the smallest things. She says very ugly things to people like "wow you're fat" or "aww don't look at my butt" Just totally rude and embarrassing things. I can't even take her in public because she will say inappropriate things to other kids about stabbing them or saying you're stupid or I'm going to poop on you. If I ask her nicely to behave she yells "doooyy doooy dooyyy" and makes funny faces as if she's trying to make me mad. I even lost my job because she Scared od 11 babysitters in 5 months by making comments like "shut up or I’ll punch you in the face" or "you want to kill me?'' and one time she even told my best friends son to not show his peepee to her ( which he didn't) and she just blurts this stuff out. When I try to introduce her to people she plays dumb like "uhhh what is my name?' "Are you stupid people?" "im Krista" and then she rambles on about made up stories about the cops chasing her or something else. I have tried EVERYTHING ... Sitting and talking with her about her actions and how they make me feel. Quality time just her and I. Playing all day long to wear her out. Doing crafts or other learning activities. Spanking when needed. Timeouts.Grounding.Taking things away etc etc etc NOTHING works. She's supposed to be starting school soon in a month or so and I am terrified of sending her because she acts out so badly. Her doctor said she is just being a normal 5 year old. Whatever. This isn't normal because I've never met a child like this. I am trying to do everything I can to be a good mom and she's making me feel like a failure. I just married an amazing guy a week ago and we are getting our first home together. I am so scared she will drive him away. I don't know what to do.

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Tisha - posted on 06/13/2014

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Oh honey wow, first let me say I am so sorry you are so stressed and don't seem to have anyone to help or support you. To have a child so young and then have to go through what you have, I feel for you. It sounds like she is acting out of jealousy. I mean think about it from her point of view, for 3 years she didn't have mommy, then suddenly Mommy comes and takes her from her Gran which has been her home and stable place until then and now she has to compete for your affection not only from her baby sister but from a man too. It sounds like she is doing everything she can to push your buttons for attention. Then she got the guy out and now a new one is in and she is starting her bad behavior again....I see a pattern here. The best advice I can give you is let her know that you are not tolerating her bad behavior. You take away the things she loves such as toys, tv, games and etc until she gets the message. You don't break down and feel sorry for her you have to be firm. If she is acting awful in public, you give her a warning, tell her either knock it off or we are going home and fun time is over, then stick to your guns on this one. It also sounds like you resent her, and I can understand that you were young when you had her, maybe she senses that too. Kids are very perceptive. They know when we don't want them around. You need to shower this kid with love, but at the same time be firm, let her know you are there for her, but that you want take her nonsense. I am a mom of 4 been there and done that and you can do this too hun. Keep your chin up. You also need to get some support. There has to be a mother's support group in your community and if not then vent to your mom, your friends someone you can trust that won't judge you for how you are feeling. Make sure Mr Right that is about to become permanent also knows what he is getting into that way he can't come back and say she is a devil and he wants out. Most of all good luck hun and keep us posted so we can help you out.

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Tisha - posted on 06/14/2014

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It sounds like your hubby now is a keeper. In all honesty though hun you sounds so resentful of her. You have to let the past go,whether you have issues with her because you can't stand the man that is her biological father, or you resent having to be her parent, you have to let it go. And that may take some professional help, see a psychiatrist to help give you some perspective. Once you can let your own pain and hurt go you will be able to focus your attention on helping that little girl stop spiraling out of control. You need to find out what causes her tantrums. Watch her and see what sets her off, but again I think jealousy plays a big part. She was without you for years then suddenly you take her in, it sounds like unhappily, which she can also sense by the way, and she is acting out because of it. She left her one structured world and came to live in your perfectly ordered one and realized you like it that way and that's how she pushes your buttons. So be observant, be patient, be kind. Look into her eyes on her level and tell her what you will and won't tolerate and then follow through. Make your yes mean yes and your no mean no, and be consistent. You may need to get her some help too, maybe seek council for her. You also need a support system. If that can't be family then surround yourself with people who you know you can trust and vent to. There have to be some people in your life that you know that are great parents. Talk to them, get their advice on how to handle things, how to stay calm and not let her see that she is getting to you. But above all you can't just plug your earphones in and check out. You made the choice to not walk away from her, to be her mom, now go for it and don't let yourself or her down.

Michelle - posted on 06/14/2014

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I replied in the SAHM community but will post it again here.

Have you taken her for counselling?
Take a step back and look at the situation from her point of view. You gave her to someone else to look after until you were "ready" to be a Mother. When you decided you were ready, you had another baby and man in your life. She still wasn't your top priority. To get your attention she would be naughty and it worked. She also got rid of the man in your life so she didn't have to share you with 2 others just 1.
Now you have another man in your life, well last time she was naughty enough that he left so maybe it will work again this time.
How often were you in her life while she was with your Grandmother? Did you gradually move her in with you or was it sudden? This poor child felt rejected by you for 3 years, she needs to be able to have someone help her work through her feelings.

Heather - posted on 06/13/2014

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Well I really don't have anyone to vent to. My mom threw me out for having her so young and my family can't stand my daughters behavior so I am not welcome unless she's somewhere else. I don't think that's fair so I just stay away. I try my best to give her one on one attention but as soon as it's over she's acting out again. My husband now, loves her and says he wants to be there for her and to understand her. He will sit there calmly and talk to her while she's throwing a tantrum and I don't see how he does it honestly because I am beyond stressed with her. To the point where I just plug my head phones in and ignore the screaming and wall banging. All her toys are in my closet because little by little i've taken them away. I want her to feel loved and to be happy but I'm not sure how I can get through to her when she just throws a huge fit.

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