my 5 year old is so demanding that it makes me mean

Avril - posted on 06/16/2015 ( 9 moms have responded )

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I don't know what to do. I suck at this parenting thing. My 5 year old is so demanding. Its almost as if she understands nothing I say. I was talking to my boss on the phone this morning and she insisted on having the radio up even when I pushed her hand away, she boldly turned it back up. I feel like I always give in because my nine year old is not with us and dad has to work late, so I overcompensate by being awfully accommodating. HELP

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Dove - posted on 06/19/2015

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I totally understand the 'feeling mean' and 'giving in to avoid a meltdown', but the ladies are right... you do your child no favors by catering to their every whim.

I have been a single mom since my youngest (now 7) was born AND I am disabled, so I can't be a 'fun mom' at all... talk about your Mommy guilt... I've got oodles of it. lol Add to that the fact that my son was diagnosed w/ anxiety and depression at 5 years old and could throw an insane fit for 45 minutes straight... and yep, the giving in to make life easier thing totally rings a bell. Life is not 'easy' when you have to be firm, but it is MUCH better to be firm when they are younger and the worst you have to deal w/ is a 45 minute fit than to be permissive and end up w/ a teenager running the streets or getting arrested.

Your daughter WILL test your patience and your boundaries and you WILL sometimes go to bed feeling like a failure, but please stay firm and consistent and I promise you it will be worth it.

Dove - posted on 06/19/2015

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I will also add... I still suck at the being firm and consistent thing at times, but when my son was 6 he went to counseling (and the counselor worked w/ our whole family) for 6 months and THAT was the best thing I could have done for him... and for myself. We still have some issues, but the worst ones were dealt w/ and no longer exist.

Diana - posted on 06/19/2015

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I teach 13/14/15 year-olds and have a 4 year-old daughter of my own. I am a single mom. With regards to all ages, what I have found that works the best is talking to them. Explaining why a situation is wrong or right, and why you need them to do what you ask them to. It sounds basic, but you'd be surprised how children don't understand why adults act the way they do. I have found that to work better than yelling, spanking (obviously can't do in my classroom), or being overly strict. It's just my bit of advice. :)

Jodi - posted on 06/16/2015

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I think I will just add some of these experiences I've had with 12-13 year olds with permissive parents:

- truancy from classes in school - call parents and they blame everyone BUT the child and there are never consequences at home.
- nude pics on phones via snapchat (yes, at 12) - communication with parents does not result in any real consequences at home like, oh, I don't know, maybe banning phones and internet because they can't bring themselves to fight that battle? Let's just blame everyone else because my daughter sent a nude selfie to some boy who asked for it. It wasn't HER fault she didn't know better.
- not handing in assignments - contact parents and they make all the excuses such as their poor child doesn't like to write or is having a hard time because the dog died (even though they've had the assignment for 6 weeks), and their academic record is affected.
- child becomes a bully - contact parents and it is never their child's fault.
- child is told their behaviour is not acceptable - parent stands there IN FRONT of the school principal and tells said child "you don't have to do fucking listen to these people". Same said child waltzes into principal's office one day and calls him a motherfucker (yes, 12 years old). Said child is no longer in attendance at any school because parents can't control him.

I could go on. But I won't. Be a parent. That is all I have.

Jodi - posted on 06/16/2015

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You feel like you always give in. You overcompensate. But you don't know what to do? You know EXACTLY what you have to do, you just aren't willing to do it. Not giving in and being firm about appropriate behaviour is not mean. They call it parenting. If you let your 5 year old rule the roost now, what boundaries do you think she'll be pushing by the time she's 12? What YOU need to do is stop enabling her behaviour just because YOU feel bad. You are doing her a disservice.

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Duse1 - posted on 06/19/2015

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I say try seeing life from her side of it, I raised five kids, for the most part on my own. My husband died at age 33 and the next man I got with, well lets just say I enforced the Me Mom, back off law on him.
I am a control freak. or at least I used to be. So I probably was considered a bit of a drill sergeant while raising mine... There are boundaries yes. but make sure they are for the right reasons..My DIL thought it okay to spank my grandson as early as 15 months.. well sooner but my son put a stop to that at first.. but now thinks his son needs more discipline cause he is throwing fits and other things so he is allowing it now at age 2

Here is my point, When my husband was alive we only spanked or got upset over very dangerous or total lack of manners kind of thing.. I am not saying you did that.. just what we did.. Spanking when one of them just ran off,, scaring mother to death one time.. or the time they played with a lighter..
we did not yell or punish over a radio going to loud,,especially with a 5 year old.. I am not saying you should let her continue to play the music loud,, but rather I am asking you how you explained the need for the radio to be turned down.. did you simply get on her and then turned the music down to suit your needs and your bosses.
I take it your 5 year old is very intelligent.. otherwise she would not of turned it on when your boss called to begin with.. So what I would be asking is why she did that at all, is she crying out for attention, wanted you to stop talking to the boss and talk to her..
.. If you were at the office and a co worker came in not knowing or rather if a neighbor or friend was over and all the sudden she was talking or making noise that disturbed your call. You would excuse yourself from the phone for a minute and ask your friend or co worker to please wait till the call was over, and then you could talk. You would not just disregard them like you did not want them there while taking a call and shuffle them away, like a child.
at age five and I think at age two even my Grandson wants an explanation why they can't do that right then.. I mean after all we would say,, could you wait till I take this call and then we can get back to our conversation.. of course you might want to say it a little different to a five year old. but it can be done. LOL
As I grow older, and now can sit back and watch instead of only raising my children in this rat race we call society,, I see a child just wants the same respect we give an adult.

They are also maturing faster and faster compared to when I was a child. I remembered kids were suppose to be seen and not heard when I was little.. I think I remember thinking what a wrong way of looking at your child,,even then.. Now I know this is wrong. I am not saying you are wrong,, or your child. I am saying that in this world with all it's technology and gadgets sometimes we forget who is standing right in front of us.. I have seen a child and mother walking in the store in front of me one day.. They child was trying to talk to it's mother. The mother was off and on, when she was not getting a text from someone trying to communicate.. But the child was so frustrated at the fact that his parent was once again ignoring him.. that he picked something up and just threw it.. This resulting in a smack.. bad way of getting attention. Yeah you are right.. But before all that texting,, that child and his parent were communicating, and she disregarded him like a worn out shoe,, If she had of been talking to an adult this would not of happened at least it should not..and if it did the parent would have turned around after the text to find she had lost a friend,, cause she had moved on with out her.. that child could not just leave and say.. well you take care of another I will find someone else to talk to.. No He had to stick it out.. I know as an adult with all my strengths and beliefs and knowing that person was eventually going to get off the cell phone start talking to me. .I know I might have still been frustrated.. I would not of showed my butt,, but I would not of hung out with that person next time either..
So the world needs to start treating it's young just like we do the adults we talk to every day.. NO better, cause they are our future.. I tell me DIL all the time...Stop telling him in that tone of voice like you are forcing him... For you see My Grandson is so much like his mother,, wants to be in control, that they clash most the time.
She needs to calm down, listen learn, then take matters into hand. Sometimes she gets her way simply by discussing the matter at hand.. and saying now after we get this done we will head back to the house, where we can relax and have a Popsicle,, but first mommy has to pay this bill, can you help me with this.. Guess what My Grandson always finds the time to help.. when he is asked .. verses being Told. it is also the tone of voice one uses on a child that helps also.. ..
You can all call me nuts.. perhaps I am.. I did not raise five kids and not be a little nuts I guess. But if I knew then what I do now.. I would have handled things differently.. You do it your way.. but I have found with a child that is truly head strong and has things already set in his mind.. Best to talk to and get your way.. cause in the end.. being forced into something never really works for anyone. .. Hope this did not offend. I am not saying you are a bad mom.. we all have to work.. I know I have ignored mine plenty.. and Thankfully I can say. ..Not one of mine have played Cats in The Cradle for me yet.. LOL. But I look back and realize I did neglect them at times.. Especially right after my husbands death.. sometimes grief blinds you to so many things that you should of done or said.. HUGSS good luck and remember what they say.. We need a set of instructions with this.. Too bad we'll never get one.. LOL>

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/16/2015

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It's not being mean, it's being a PARENT. You need to enforce boundaries, not give in. And when the child pushes, PUSH BACK. Quit being walked all over by your 5 YO

Jodi - posted on 06/16/2015

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You shouldn't feel mean - setting boundaries is your job. And I'm sorry if I was blunt, but sometimes that is needed. Believe me, I work with teens (and very closely with 12-13 year olds) and you do NOT want to be a permissive parent. You are setting yourself up for heartbreak and a total nightmare. If you don't start setting the boundaries and enforcing them now, it never gets any easier. Put a set of boundaries and appropriate logical consequences in place, and then enforce them.

Avril - posted on 06/16/2015

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I feel royally shamed but thanks for the strong words. I wish I knew how to do just do it but like I said, it makes me feel mean, and I guess at the time I don't think about when she turns 12, I just think about having her stop and not have a meltdown anywhere.

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