My 5yr old SD keeps telling me she wishes I could be her "Mom"

Stephanie - posted on 12/22/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I have no children of my own, so it was a true blessing that my husband's daughter is so special and amazing. He is the non custodial parent, so we see her the standard 1st,3rd, and 5th... so on and so forth. Everytime she comes to stay with us, she is stuck to me like glue. I am very attentive and affectionate with her, as I always have been. I don't feel that I have over stepped any boundaries, and keep my relationship with her within our home. Her bio mom is remarried, with several other children living in her home. Lately, my SD has began to express that she wishes I was her mom, I explain to her that I am not her mother, but I still love her very much. Which seemed to get thru to her the first couple of times, but now it is a recurring conversation. She gets very upset when we have to take her home, and doesn't even want to answer the phone when her mother calls. She is five, and constantly complaining about the way her mother treats her, which is very heartbreaking for someone who loves her so much to hear. I have no idea what I should do. I want to help her, and ensure that she is always the happiest child she can be, but I don't know what to do. Anyone else ever find themselves in a similar situation?

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Mommabird - posted on 12/23/2014

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I agree with Evelyn about dad having a conversation with her mom about whats going on. Only thing is, she may react defensively if she feels her role as Mom is being compromised. Sometimes its upsetting to a Mom to know someone else is bonding so closely with their child and calling her Mom also. I wasnt saying earlier that a 5 yr old can choose what she calls you and it makes it ok with everyone. If Mom has an issue with it you can still be respectful and maybe the daughter can call you Momma Stephanie or something, and she should understand that her MOM will always be her Mom but she's lucky to have Momma Stephanie too :)

Ev - posted on 12/23/2014

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I have a suggestion. I know you want her to be the happiest she can be but you should talk to her dad about how she talks to you and what she says and ask him if he could talk to her mother about that. It would be easier for him to address this than you. Her bio mom might take offense to you doing so. He can tell her how upset she is about things at her mom's home and see if he can find out why. Together he and his ex should come up with a plan to help her adjust to things as they are. Also the plan can include you to help her transition between homes too. If you all work together at it, this could help alleviate some of her transition issues too. It might also bring things to light to her mom. It may not be that her mom is trying to be mean or treat her badly, but if there are other kids like step kids in the picture blending a bigger family like this is hard and takes a lot of work on the parts of the parents and kids involved. If that is the case, she is going to be going through adjustments and think she is not being treated right because both her mom and step dad have to now give full attention to more than one or two kids. Its harder on her because she is young and does not understand a lot of what is going on at her age. But since you treat her as if she was your own blood kin, that is altogether an advantage for her. Take care and good luck.

Stephanie - posted on 12/23/2014

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Thank you! Sometimes when you're going thru all of this and you're dealing with the bio mom I feel like I am totally alone. It's nice to know that someone can relate and their situation worked out for the best :)

Mommabird - posted on 12/22/2014

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Sounds like my story 5 yrs ago. My SD(although i refer to her as daughter) was 5 when her dad and I met. And he had just gotten custody of her that year. She saw her mother every other weekend and even though she loved her mother she asked me one day if she could call me Mommy or Momma. I told her that was totally up to her but that we werent married so it wasnt necessary. We got married 4 mths later and she just started calling me Momma...so I let her. Come to find out, her mother wasnt a very good mother at all and we found out CPS was called on her. 6 mths later she lost all rights to all 4 of her kids and they made her get a tubal so she couldnt have any more children. Our daughter hasnt seen her bio mother in 3 years but we keep in touch with her two sisters(their dad got custody). The youngest was put in foster care and we lost contact with him.
So I definately know how heartwarming it is to have a child bond and call you Mom when youre not their real mom. Its a special thing, and she will love and respect you for a very long time for taking on that role in her life so effertlessly :)

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