my 8 year old daughter hits me and refuses to listen, what do i do?

Megan K - posted on 02/24/2014 ( 14 moms have responded )

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I just got custody back of my little girl on February 8th 2013, she was living with her father since she was 2 1/2. He didn't take very good care of her. He was in several polymory relationships (living/sleeping with more than one woman). My daughters home there was unsanitary and just down right not for children. My daughter told me she was forced to be in her room the whole time she was there when she wasn't there she was at school or sitters. The school and I were always in contact my daughter would go to school in nasty clothes and she was always dirty. I supplied her school with clean clothes every other week and body wash shampoos as the teachers and nurses would wash her every day. My girl was slapped by her dads different girlfriends and barely fed. In July of 2013 she was shown an adult porn because she heard her father and one of the girls having sex so he showed her what sex was. How I found that out was on my bday her dad dropped her off to me and as soon as he left she told me she knew what sex is and heard her dad doing it. As my stomach turning she told me details of the ways the guy n girl laid n the guy put his Weiner in girls cooch and in her butt. After hearing that and fighting the tears I called cps and done statements with them and state police county sheriff etc. The courts done nothing but on Monday before Xmas her father got dwi with her in the car and that automatically gave me custody.

ok now for my problem with her. She defies me all the time she never wants to listen she yells screams at me when she gets mad she either hits kicks or throws stuff at me. I've used every disciplinary action in able to. Taking things away for long periods of time I've grounded her I've totally cleaned room out I've done time out I've done corner time no tv time no screens no games, no going anywhere and I've also spanked her all she does is laugh at me get in my face and tells me she hates me after I punish her. I really don't know what to do. I have her in counseling and I'm in counseling plus we in family counseling as I have a 2 year old daughter as well and my fiance has 3 children that my girl is mean to. My fiance has been a great father figure to my girls both but she is so hateful towards us. She has to call her dad and beg him to get her on his weekends. She thinks I am bad cause I took her from her father. Please help me I don't know what else to do. Oh the worst thing she has done to me besides hitting is I told her no Ds in car as we only had to go down road and I went in bathroom with the baby to give bath and I heard her outside the door banging on it yelling she wished I was dead then I looked wen she was done and there were holes in door and my step son said she was stabbing the door with a knife.. That happened when she still lived with her dad.

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Megan K - posted on 02/27/2014

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I've always been there for my daughter and have always tried my darndest to get along with her dad like today she won the principals award and I. Being who I am took pictures and sent them to him but reverse the situation he would have never done that or even told me. I was the one who drove 2 hours tosee her get on the bus for the first time her first year of school,he didn't even wanna get out of bed his girlfriend made him. I've never not once been there for her when she wanted or needed me I've went as far as staying the night at her dads with her cause she didn't want me to leave and I bought food for his house for her as there was nothing. Whenever she wants to talk we do whenever she wants to do something just her and I we do I have spanked her in the past but it doesn't do anything. She's angry at her dad cause he promises her things all the time and breaks them and she gets mad at me cause I'm the one that is here . I just want my little girl to not hurt anymore.

Gabby - posted on 02/27/2014

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The problem here is not your daughter, the problem is you and the father. Your daughter is reflecting both of you. This child has obviously been put through rough times, she did not ask to be brought to this world, as a mother you should have been there to guide her knowing that her dad was a worthless idiot. She needs a lot of love and positive reinforcement.Leave the punishment behind and the negativity behind. Give her boundaries, rules and positive reinforcement. Its your job to fix the issues and asking for advice is a good start... Get to know your daughter..Communicate with her at all times. Good Luck BTW SOPHIE YOU ARE A COMPLETE IGNORANT PERSON!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/26/2014

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Sophie, I think you're a troll. A person who's a parent wouldn't ever say "nobody's like this". Obviously SOMEONE is, or this parent wouldn't have this question

Sarah - posted on 02/25/2014

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Hi Megan. These are my thoughts. Is it possible that your daughter's behaviour may be due to anxiety and insecurity in which case time out and spanking may not be the answer?
Suddenly she is living in a household where things work differently and expectations of her are totally different. She may not understand how to deal with this.
You could try this - See if you can sit down with her one on one. Tell her you understand how she must feel having been living in a totally different situation. Try telling her that different families do things differently and work together differently and that you know things have changed a lot for her.
You could also try this - Do you have a spare 1/2 hour that you could spend alone with her everyday. Perhaps just before bed? Just be with her, read with her, talk to her, tell her about the day she was born and how special that was and how loved she was even before she was born. Do not discuss her behavior during this time or criticize her father. She may reject you at first but quietly persevere over time. Let her know this is your special time with her. If she rejects you just sit quietly with her or leave the room telling her you love her before you leave. Then try again the next night and so on. There is a great children's book called 'Always' by Ann Stott. You could try reading something like this to her.
Also don't use this time together as a bargaining tool ie. don't threaten to take it away as a punishment or give it as a reward. Make it a constant thing in her life.
Regarding the immediate problem of her violent reactions is it possible (maybe with the help and advice of a psychologist) to help her recognise when she is starting to feel upset, and before she gets to the point that she is out of control divert that intensity towards doing something else that is physically exerting like running some laps in the back yard or doing star jumps or kicking a ball around - not as a punishment but to use the excess energy in a different way - until she feels calmer.
Do you think the incident you describe when you went to the bathroom when she was little could have been separation anxiety?

Also regarding her counsellor. Is it possible that she is using play therapy? Psychologists may use this as children may often be able to express their emotions through characters they play with,or replay events they have found hard to deal with in real life. It may also be help build rapport between her and the counsellor. My suggestion would be to see if you can schedule some time alone with the counsellor and ask her what her what her plan is, about her methods and her approach to things. Write down all the questions you have before you go. If you are not happy get a second opinion. Make sure you see a psycholgist, if possible with someone else's recommendation with experience in the types of issues you are dealing with. Trust your instincts.
Diet may also help. There are many additives colourings and flavourings that increase anxiety in some children.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/25/2014

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Patience, and counseling, Megan, that's the only thing I can think of. She's not sure of you yet, and that will take some time for her.

Good luck!

Megan K - posted on 02/25/2014

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I know I allowed him to take her and I really didn't want to,was biggest mistake I ever made.

as for counseling she goes to child advocacy center. I've tried getting her into behavior health to be checked out but the Dr said she don't need it.

Chantail - posted on 02/25/2014

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They have a place where u can put her in if u get medicated then look at the back of the card n they should help an some time u just need to pray to god for his help with ur daughter

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/25/2014

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Well, first, I am wondering if her treatment of you doesn't stem from one thing: You put her in that car, while she was screaming to stay with you. She was 2.5 years old, and in her eyes, you were her champion, and her hero, and you let her father take her away.

This is from HER point of view. From mine, you did what you had to to try to keep things amiable, and to avoid a charge of parental alienation.

What types of therapy and counseling have you checked into for her?

Megan K - posted on 02/25/2014

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Well for your first question when she was 2 1/2 her dad was cheating on me, I didn't want to believe it but, I became pregnant and was going to surprise him. I told him and he done a total 360 started yelling and screaming that I can't be and he wants no more kids with me and he ended up putting his hands around my throat and proceeded to choke me. Brandi was in. Her room down the hall screaming for me cause she heard me crying,well his phone rang he let go of me ran out the door and took off. I quickly went to Brandi and held her. Her father didn't come back for a week and when he called me I told him not to come back at all. I miscarried the baby I was pregnant with due to stress. He ended up moving in with his girlfriend. He didn't call or nothing for about 2 months and our daughter missed him so I called him and told him she misses him and if he would like he could take her for a day. At that point nobody had custody and I knew nothing about how to go about getting it. Well,when he came to get her for a day she cried and didn't want to go she didn't want to leave me , I should have taken her out of the car and back in the house but I didn't cause I knew she missed daddy. I ended up not seeing her again for 2 months as his girlfriend and him went to the courthouse and got temporary custody of her. I was gullible as I was young and I believed him when he said if you give me physical custody I'll still let you keep her I just have to have physical so I can get insurance through work and to get her in daycare for when I have her. Well stupidly I agreed and stupidly I only saw my baby girl every weekend because I fell for his lies, but I guess part of me wanted to still believe in him. Since that June of 2008 I have went to court 9 times to get her back and I lost every time until he got a dwi Christmas of 2012 then I was handed custody on February 8th 2013. I had teacher statements and letters / emails from school on how dirty she was or how hungry she was when getting to school or how tired and some of her language coming from her mouth.

As for a reward system yes I do have one but she doesn't seem to care. Like if she does her chores which is cleaning bedroom and rinsing dishes or help fold laundry my fiance and I give her and other kids a choice of going to movies or to the mall playhouse or let them pick dinner and a movie for us all. But with her attitude and the way she treats me its hard to reward her.

As for counseling I don't think its working I need to get a different one as all she does there is play with toys she doesn't really talk to the counselor.
The counselor has seen some of her attitude but yes she knows of brandis emotions as Brandi has the she misses her dad and the things she still goes through at her fathers.

Brandi hates me for taking her away from her dad but, when I went there after court to get brandis clothes I bought and a few things her dad said she could bring,there was literally nothing in her room just a bed and closet. I opened closet to get her clothes I bought and they were on closet floor still had store tags on them and they were all covered in hard really old cat urine and poop. Brandi said her dad knew about it and never cleaned it. Brandi had scabies 6 times in a year before I got custody and the animal feces is why.

I have always gave Brandi tons of hugs and kisses and tell her I love her all through the day everyday..

Jodi - posted on 02/24/2014

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That's okay, that's why I was clarifying.

Can I ask why you lost custody in the first place? Just remember that this entire situation would have emotionally damaged your child, and sometimes, that damage is irreversible, or at the very least, will have an effect on how she handles her emotions. It could take years before she will be able to control her emotions. Do you have a reward system in place? Children who have been raised in environments that have damaged them will often just continue bad behaviour because it is expected of them AND because they actually don't know how to behave because it hasn't been modeled to them in the home they are in. It can take a lot of time. Try to reward her good behaviour with praise and love. I'd say, given your absence from a fair bit of her life, she is pushing your boundaries. She is trying to test your love and see how far she can go with you and you still tell her that you love her.

What has the counsellor said about her emotional wellbeing?

Jodi - posted on 02/24/2014

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OK, can I please just clarify your dates? You have said you got custody back in February 2013, but it wasn't until July 2013 that she watched this porn, and at that point, you didn't have custody of her. So I'm confused.

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