My 8 year old daughter learns such swearing/bad language from her "friends"?

Kelsey - posted on 09/15/2014 ( 13 moms have responded )

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Okay so my 8 year old, 3rd grade, started hanging out with seven different girls in grade 7, she asked me if she can "play" with them at home and I said yes because she finally grew out of her imaginary friends(a little imaginary boy named Sam and a some imaginary princesses). I've been talking to moms about her imaginary friends, because I wanted her to have real friends instead of the imaginary. Some suggested that I take a girl from her class over for a playdate, so I did. They got into a fight, and I had to sort it. I think 8 is a bit old for imaginary friends, so that morning I took her, her brother, and her sister for school. After school, she started saying bad language, and I was so shocked! I asked where she got that kind of words from, and she said "my friends taught me, isn't it nice?". I said we do not use that kind of language in our house, and I've spoken to the teacher. The teacher said she has been hanging out with grade 7 girls lately. I should've asked her some questions before saying yes! I didn't mind the age difference, but my daughter is learning attitudes and language from them!? Also, the grade 7s hang with 11th graders, so my daughter's been hanging with bad 7th/11th graders. I've talked to her about it, and I cannot break the friendships and just say no more hanging out with older girls. Is there any thing I can do to stop her from learning anymore of this? She's sitting beside me now and she said "Garcia had her "period" that day in the washroom and she showed us something that looked like a tissue and was white and all the other girls backed away from it, some of them were laughing.". I do not know who Garcia is, but I believe it's one of her new friends. I've been hearing so much about them and their names and one afternoon she said "Jasmine says she's 16 and she had a boyfriend plus she broke off because of their fight and cried and cried". Some girls are 12, some others are 16. She called me a "homo" when I kissed her sister!?!?!? Any suggestions will be kind

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/16/2014

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7th graders don't choose to hang out with kids in 3rd grade btw. She is 8 hanging out with kids up to 16 years old?? Either your story is full of holes, or your daughter is getting bullied when she thinks these girls are her friends. Make play dates with the girls in HER grade at YOUR house. Meet the parents. Be proactive!

Chet - posted on 09/16/2014

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You said that you're in BC? Aren't all the teachers on strike in BC? My understanding was that none of the kids had been able to start the 2014/15 school year yet.

For the language, you need to explain to your daughter why certain words and expressions are a problem. Our kids go to school with a lot of kids who swear and speak inappropriately, and it is possible for kids to be around children who swear, and to get along with children who speak rudely, and to not do it themselves.

I would talk to the school about supervision, because normally when schools span a large number of grades the children are divided up. in a K-6, K-7, K-8 or K-12 school there is normally some division of the school that keeps kids split into age groups. It's very unusual for a child in grade 3 to be sharing a bathroom, lunchroom or play area with kids in the middle or high school grades.

I strongly suspect that these girls are not your daughters friends. Often when older kids befriend significantly younger children it's more of a big brother or sister kind of relationship where the older children is a positive influence and sort of takes the younger child under their wing, or it's an unhealthy power situation where the younger child is someone who can be easily controlled. This sounds like the later.

I would also talk to the school about your daughter's social situation. It would be surprising if the school hadn't noticed that she was struggling socially and recognized it as an issue.

Lastly, I would work to help your daughter find a peer group outside of school. Try to find some activities where she can meet and interact with other children her age who don't go to her school.

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Kelsey - posted on 09/19/2014

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Dear All,

Thank you for your support. My daughter is STILL stubborn to play with other kids her age, and even kids who are a year older than her or a year younger than her. I said she's allowed to play with kids a year older(4th grade), her grade(3rd grade), or a year younger(2nd grade) but she rebels against everything.

Kelsey - posted on 09/16/2014

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Dear Little Miss,

Since I am going to her school in Wednesday, I'm looking after her. I'm keeping her AWAY from those bigger kids. There might be lots of crying, but she'll thank me later. Two girls are going to our house for a playdate, and my daughter is not exactly happy about it... but I told her that I know their parents and they're pretty nice. I've talked to the principal, some parents, and a teacher. They promised to separate them. The high schoolers only come on Wednesday from 9:00 am to 12:00 pm to do activities, so she'll be separated.. as for the 7th graders, I just met a mom of one of the 7th grader girls, and she has the same concerns as me too!!! The 11th graders are hanging out with the 7th graders, and the mom says her daughter has been swearing lately too.

Kelsey - posted on 09/16/2014

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Dear Shawnn Lively,

I told her that she needs to find some friends around her age, because these older girls are teaching her things that she doesn't need to be knowing. If these 7th graders are nice, and are a good influence on her, I'd be happy to let her hang out with them. But if they're not good influences, then I, as a parent, will say no. I said the reason why I want her to stop playing with them is because I love her, and she's the most important thing to me. She asked me that first I told her to "stop being friends" with her imaginary buddies, and now she's made some "friends" I'm telling her that I'm saying it's inappropriate. She ended up bursting into tears, and I comforted her with some oatmeal cookies and told her that I'm doing it, as again, is because I'm a mom and I love her. Also, by the way, there's a Parent Helper program at her school, so I am the parent helper on Wednesday, so I can help other kids with homework, etc, and also look after my daughter while she's "hanging around".

Kelsey - posted on 09/16/2014

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Dear Chet MC,

Yes, but we moved because we used to live in a small house. I asked her if she wants to take art classes where she can develop her art skills, or if she wants to go dancing. She chose art class, so I said okay. It's for kids ages 7-10

I explained to my daughter why I do not want her to be hanging out with them. I don't care about the age difference for now, but I care about their languages and attitudes. I told her that she needs to make some friends, well, who are nicer to her. Friends who don't swear and are closer to her peer group. I took her to my friend's house, who has a daughter 1 year older than her. Her daughter is severely autistic and doesn't socialize, but I am finding ways to keep my kid safe.

Dove - posted on 09/16/2014

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Hey, 'Little Miss'... I'm going to forward you a PM I sent to Jodi... there may or may not be anything to be done about it. Just covering 'bases'. ;)

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/16/2014

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Stop the friendship. She is ONLY in 3rd grade. Keep her away from those girls.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/16/2014

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Grade 3 to grade 7 is 4+ years different, of course they're going to teach your daughter things that you weren't ready to handle.

First, your grade three girl is, what...10, tops? Get her in her own peer group for friends. You ARE the parent here, and you DO have the power of veto. Get the idea out of your head that you cannot do anything at this point, because not only CAN you, but you NEED to. Explain that you would like her to hang out with kids her own age, because the older girls are a bit too old for her level right now. Admit that you made a mistake in judgement, and that you have realized that.

When she whines/cries, etc, remind her of what your job is: to responsibly raise her to adulthood, and part of that responsibility is to limit her exposure to ideas and situations that are beyond her current maturity level.

Kelsey - posted on 09/15/2014

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Dear Dove,

I've spoken to my daughter about this. In BC, elementary schools are K-7, and high schools grades 8-12. No middle schools. And 11th graders go to her school for every Wednesday because they also go to school here. So my daughter's been following around at lunchtime and breaktime. I've spoken to the principal about those 11th graders and about their vulgur language, also that some 7th grader girls are also hanging out with them. However, students who do NOT attend her school can attend some activities like gym, projects, etc and groups of 11th graders signed up

Dove - posted on 09/15/2014

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She's in 3rd grade. I absolutely would not be 'allowing' these 'friendships' to continue at this point. How is a 3rd grade LITTLE girl being so unsupervised that she is hanging out w/ 7th-11th graders? Here we have elementary schools, middle schools, and high schools. The oldest a 3rd grader could be hanging out w/ in school is a 5th grader... and that would only be during lunch time.

You need to get involved in your child's life and FAST.

Kelsey - posted on 09/15/2014

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Dear Nathalie,

Thank you for your suggestion. No, she's not friends with anyone in her grade, not even one kid. I asked her if she'd like to have some friends over, and she said three of them might come but the rest of them are too busy "sexting". Some of them are 12, but the rest are 16 year olds. I asked her nicely why she likes the older students, and she says they're nice to her. She began asking questions if anyone is single at our house and I laughed at that. "I'm not single, I have a boyfriend..". Was what she said. I'm a bit alarmed because we dont allow kids to date in our family until 16

Natalie - posted on 09/15/2014

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Try telling your daughter that the things the older girls are talking about is not good, and that she can still be friends with them and hangout with them as long as she doesn't repeat the bad words they say and other things they talk about. Try explaining to her why they are bad. Also ask her if she's met anyone in her grade she likes as a friend or is already fiends with, if so tell her to ask them if they'd like to come over some time and that her friends are always welcome. I also recommend having her older friends come to your house so you can hear what's being said. If they do or say something you don't like tell them that you would prefer them not to do or say things like that around your daughter.

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