My 9 year-old son asked me to know his father

[deleted account] ( 18 moms have responded )

His birth father has never been part of our lives nor has he helped us in any ways. He has only made a few phone calls being drunk. l have told my son the reason why l have decided to keep him away from us when l found out l was pregnant. I `ve never spoken about this man in an offensive way to my son, but l `ve managed to tell him that he had refused to give my son his surname so as to avoid paying or giving any money. I have never wanted any of that, actually i managed to be a single mom who never needed that kind of help as l have my own job. But the birth father has never even tried to talk to a lawyer or fight for his son in any way .
What shall l do?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Dove - posted on 01/17/2016

12,124

0

1353

Do you know how to contact his father? If so... do it and let him know that his son would like to know him. If the father still refuses any contact w/ his son... maybe your son can write his father a letter to let him know how he feels... and you can help him emotionally through whatever does or does not happen because of the letter.

Ev - posted on 01/17/2016

8,006

7

918

You should try to give it a chance. The child needs to know about his father anyhow. And as for child support why not get it to put back for the child's needs later on? You never know when you may end up in a situation where its needed.

18 Comments

View replies by

Jodi - posted on 01/20/2016

3,562

36

3907

Actually, I was not being judgemental. I was pointing out the facts based on what the OP said.

She said SHE was the one who decided to keep the child away from the father. FACT: That's not her right.

She said he was avoiding paying money. FACT: she has the right to file for for child support. Stop complaining that he avoided it if you didn't claim it.

She said she has told her son that his father avoids paying and that his father refused to give him his surname. FACT: That's talking shit about the kid's father, which is never acceptable.

Her words, not mine. I simply expressed my opinion about that. If it comes across as judgemental, then maybe the OP needs to stop and look at her actions.

Vanessa: "Seeing as he was abusive towards the mother, I would be reluctant to send off my child as well. "

Not your call, not your right. If you have concerns, you take it to court and let the court decide. Abuse towards a mother doesn't automatically mean there is danger to the child - in fact, that is rarely the case. In many that I see, the father is abusive to the mother because the two of them have major issues in their relationship with each other - nothing to do with the child.

Vanessa: "In 9 years that man hadnt chosen to take her to court or contact her other than drunk dialing than he genuinely sounds like he could be more heartache to that lil boy than good. "

That's right. He's not a great dad. BUT this does not give the mother the right to talk shit about him TO the child.

Anyway, no judgement. Just commenting based on what the OP said. The fact is, if the child wants to know his dad, that's perfectly natural. A good mother would allow her child to make his own decision about his father. Kids aren't stupid. If dad is a total flake, the kid will figure it out. It's not up to mum to make his mind up FOR him. Period.

Raye - posted on 01/20/2016

3,761

0

21

If the father hasn't been around in 9 years, then no one knows what kind of person he is. The son wants to try to have a relationship with the father, so the mother should start by contacting the father and ask if he's willing to have a relationship with his son. If so, then there needs to be baby steps to re-introduce the two. Maybe a few phone conversations, then meeting in a public place. The father should have to demonstrate his willingness to have an on-going relationship, and also prove he's trustworthy to care for the boy should they later arrange some kind of visitation plan.

If the OP was still here, I would have also agreed with earlier comments about the mother seeking child support. it's not the point that she can do it on her own, but the child should have every advantage possible. Most places do still award child support no matter the last name of the child if paternity can be established by DNA.

Ev - posted on 01/20/2016

8,006

7

918

Vanessa--
Yes, we should not give in to every child's whim. But this is not just some whim. This child has asked about his birth father and has a right to know about him and even to meet him. He is not demanding to go live with the man, just to know about him or meet him. I have two kids and they were always informed of what things were going to be and there was no way I would back down on it. But if it had come to getting to know about a parent not in their lives I would have made an effort to try to do that for them. At nine they are old enough to be more than asking questions about the parent not involved or around. Also, in knowing about the birth father and even meeting him, the child can form their own opinion on what they thin of this person. He could ask the father why he has not been there for example and why.
I agree it is our job to protect and teach our kids but at the same time keeping vital information or the chance to meet people that should have been vital in our lives is not something we should protect against unless there is evidence that there is a danger to the child. And in this case we do not know for sure that there is evidence or not to that end. This is not like the kid is asking for every toy, video game, tech device or other things under the sun...he is asking about his birth father and unless as I said there is reason this man is a danger to this kid, he should have the chances to know about the man and even meet him in a supervised situation.

Vanessa - posted on 01/20/2016

4

16

0

Children are just that, children. They ask for a lot in my experience. We do not let children make adult desicions because there brains aren't mature enough to make adult decisions. Do we always give them what they "want" or do we make the decisions for them on what they need and what's good for them? Or job is to protect them.
And She was definitely judged. No one asked proper questions before spewing hate.
By telling her "she's done enough" or that she's "denied the kid the right" because "he has a right" without getting proper details. Not specifically you Evelyn. You actually have some advice without assuming anything.
Again, a child cannot be taken from a good father without a fight. :)

Ev - posted on 01/20/2016

8,006

7

918

Vanessa--
None of us are judging at all. We are talking about what can happen or will happen from experiences. The abuse between parents will not be looked upon as abuse to the child unless there really was any abuse at all. All we were told in the post was he had not been in the child's life at all other than to call when in a drunken state to see his kid. Unless he is proven to be a danger to the child in court or by family services, he has every right to ask for visitation or even custody. Some states do have laws that say after a time frame the father would have to jump hoops to see the kids or looses the rights he has to them...same can be said for mothers as well. What she has to do is go to court and get custody, visitation, and child support going for the child and ask for supervised visits at first so the child can get used to his birth parent. The child is the one asking! Then go from there with the visits. If a child is asking about the parent, do you not think it right to let the child form an opinion of that parent through some sort of visits? Why can she not try to set up a meeting for son and child and go from there? Is not asking much really.

Vanessa - posted on 01/20/2016

4

16

0

Ladies....without knowing all the details how could one be so judgemental? If you took the time to respond you should have taken the time to ask some more details.
Seeing as he was abusive towards the mother, I would be reluctant to send off my child as well. There's no second chances once you make the first mistake.
Again, no one can keep a baby from a father who wants a baby. In 9 years that man hadnt chosen to take her to court or contact her other than drunk dialing than he genuinely sounds like he could be more heartache to that lil boy than good. Us woman need to support and empower each other. Not bring them down. Strong woman do that: weak woman don't.
To answer your question, I would get in touch with family members of dad to see his status and how he is doing befor making a decision. Is there anyone in his family you trust to maybe Join in the first meeting and Subsequent ones if need be after? I would also go through your state to have visitation monitored and evaluated to be sure your not putting your son in harms way. It's your job to protect him momma.

Ev - posted on 01/17/2016

8,006

7

918

I was not being judgemental. I was pointing out that this should be given a chance to see if it can work or not.

[deleted account]

yes , i have tried to conntact him , he said no. My doubt has more to do with how i should face the situation , and you are right, i did not ask to be a single mom. But there was a strong reason to break with him, he would hit me. when i was told i was pregnant is that i decided i had to end the relationship. He by law is not allowed to come close to me-

Dove - posted on 01/17/2016

12,124

0

1353

If I had just read your initial post I likely would have had a similar response to the other ladies... It's not meant to be hurtful. It's just that we see a lot of women on here that think they have the right to deny their children knowing their fathers... and it gets old real quick.

I fully understand that you can't MAKE a father be involved (as do these other ladies responding) though. Perhaps it is just your wording that has caused the conflicts here.

[deleted account]

And I repeat, since it seems im not being clear. I never denied the father to see the child, THE FATHER SAID NO. Yes he called a couple of times in 9 years when he was drunk just to tell me he wanted ME back, not to ask about our son. When i said i decided to keep him away was a way of saying ," we dont need your money" but he never even tried anything. and anyway, thank you all for your answers. I know its my son`s right and as i said i dont deny him knowing the father is the father who is saying NO. and well. thanks anyway

[deleted account]

i have not said it`s bad in any moment, if you read the question again is "what shall i do ?" It`s my son who wants to know him. It`s the father who said no.

Ev - posted on 01/17/2016

8,006

7

918

I have to agree with the ladies here. The child deserved to have a relationship with his father or a chance to do so. You denied them both that option. All countries do have their own laws regarding family law since you live in another country, but is it so bad the kid wants to know his dad?

Sarah - posted on 01/17/2016

9,604

0

22

"l`ve managed to tell him that he had refused to give my son his surname so as to avoid paying or giving any money"
A child can have his mothers surname and still get child support. Also you could have given you son his father's surname without his consent. If he is listed on the birth certificate, then you could have and should have filed for support. If you committed fraud by listing the father as unknown, then a DNA test could have proven paternity. Even if YOU did not want support, you could have saved all of the money sent to your son for him to use later in life, college, a car, a home, traveling.

You son wants to know is father, so you either deny your son that right (which yes it is his right) and risk the resentment and anger he may have. Or you admit that you may not have handled this well, seek out the father and tell him his son would like to meet him. You may not like the guy, but he may have something to offer as a parent. What good would come from continuing to prevent contact?

[deleted account]

Dear Jodi, I have paid for my son`s needs all these years and very proud of that. The one who refused to care for the baby, was the father . I decided to keep him away ,yes, my fault, but he never even tried to know our son either. Perhaps I did not express myself well as I`m Argentinean. By the way, i have always told my son that whenever he wants to meet him , it would be His own decision and i will respect that. He could have talked to a lawyer ( the father) but never even tried that. The only time i tried to arrange a way so he could know the baby, his answer was NO.
With all my respect to you, I thought this was a helping site. and whether is towards me or not , you are not being helpful at all. I absolutely recognise my own responsibility in all this. In my country, when the father refuses to acknowledge or denies his surname to a child is usually taken care by the law in the sense that he is demanded? (not sure if im using th right word) and forced to pay for the child`s needs but i decided i did not need money from him, i would and did made money on my own. Im not rich but we are ok. I have talked to lawyers and adviced by them that i cannot force a man to be a father if he does not want but yes force him to pay, still i did not do that because it`s not about money, it`s about him not wanting the baby. About telling my son why the father is not with him, was done with the help of a psychologist. I did not leave his father for revenge or anything like that , it was him who decided not to be around our son , I broke my relationship with him, but he wanted the mother and son or nothing. i never denied him to be father , i repeat, HE DECIDED not to be one. Thank you for your kind words though.

Jodi - posted on 01/17/2016

3,562

36

3907

"l have decided to keep him away from us"

Unfortunately, that's legally not your call. Now YOU have to live with the fact that your son would perhaps like to know his dad, but you prevented it. Did you tell your kid that?

"l `ve managed to tell him that he had refused to give my son his surname so as to avoid paying or giving any money."

You've also managed to forget that this child has a father, and this child understands that somehow, whether his dad has been there or not, he is also PART of his father. You have no right to tell your child these things. In fact, YOU had the responsibility to file for child support, but your 9 year old child does not need to know this shit.

What should you do? You've done enough. Stop shit talking about the father to your kid. You have absolutely no right to do that. I don't CARE how you feel because he abandoned YOU, this kid wants to know he has a dad that might be worth something. At least give the kid that.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms