My Adopted Son's Bio Mom is a Dead Beat

Amanda - posted on 07/25/2016 ( 3 moms have responded )

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When I first met my husband, he had a son that was about 18 months old. The little boys mother dropped him off with my husband when he was only 5 months old and never looked back. She moved out of state and never called to check on him... never gave my husband any type of child support..never wanted to see him at all. just completely walked out of the boys life and disappeared into thin air. I had always thought it was a weird situation, and even though I wasn't a mother (yet) myself I could never understand how a mother could turn her back on her child like that.

I have mothered the boy since he was about 2. He is now 6. Our family is great... my husband and I have a great marriage, we have two other children as well. I treat him as if he were my own.. I love him as if he were my own. He has always called me mommy and has a great, happy life. He loves me more than the world...so the problem is really with explaining things to him as he grows older.

He is very aware that I am not his biological mother. He obviously knows that I did not come into the picture until he was about 2 years old, and naturally he has had questions about who this other mother was that is now not in the picture. We have been completely honest with him from the beginning..that is something we have always agreed upon. We never wanted to pretend I was his "real" mother. When he was about 4 years old and I was pregnant with my little girl, he had a lot of questions about his own birth. So, my husband sat him down and told him that there was a different lady that was pregnant with him and carried him in her tummy. She decided when he was a baby that she couldn't take care of him, and made the decision that he would have a happier life if she wasn't in it. We have never told him anything NEGATIVE about her. Just the truth... she walked away. And we don't know why.

Recently, he has begun to ask more and more questions. He has even become a little bit angry about it. Although we have NEVER said this to him, he has said things like "That other mommy did not WANT me. That is rude, right? I bet her life sucks because I'm not in it." It literally breaks my heart every time he says this... because we have truly never said anything negative or that she didn't "Want" him. I guess that's just how he sees it though. She had him..and shes not in his life..so she must have not wanted him. I always just tell him "I don't know why she chose not to be a part of your life buddy, but I can tell you that you are the BEST part about my life, and I love you and am so proud that you are my son." I always try to move the conversation AWAY from her...and basically reassure him that I'm his mom, hes loved, etc.

Recently, though.. hes been asking more specific questions. Where does she live? Does she have a family? I'm not sure what information I should divulge to him at this age. I do not want to keep anything from him, but at the same time I don't want to hurt him or talk about things that don't really need to be said.Here is the information that I have about his mother... When her and my husband dated, she had 3 children. The first two were from a previous marriage and the third was a different father that was not in that childs life. Everything was completely normal when they were dating..she had all 3 of her children, had her own place, had a job...seemed like a very normal/nice woman. While they were dating, her two children from her previous marriage were SUPPOSEDLY molested by their father. We have no way of knowing if this is true or not...this is just something she had told my husband. He said that she became very clingy, very crazy, and he ultimately decided to break things off with her. About 4 months after they broke up is when she came to him and said she was pregnant. When the baby was born and my husband got the DNA test that it was his son...he immediately stepped up, started paying child support, etc. After 5 months she dropped him off and never came back ....she never even called or gave him any type of reason. My husband also learned at that time that she no longer had the two children from the previous marriage either. Whats confusing is that those children live with their father, the very person she told my husband had molested them, and she does not visit them. That makes absolutely no sense as to how a child molester could get his kids and she would have zero rights to them. As it stands now, she has not seen those children in 6 years. We don't know if it's by choice that she does not see them or what the real issue is. She kept her third child,and got married just shortly after she gave up my son. The man she married ended up adopting that child and just shortly after she left him for a different man. That child is now living with his adopted father. This child is only 7 years old. So she has 4 children total and lives with 0 of them, and only is actually active in ONE of their lives.Just a few months ago my husband decided to go after her for child support. She was upset that she would have to pay...and said "Well if im going to have to pay for him, then I should be able to see him." My husband never denied her any type of rights to see him, even though he really didn't want her resurfacing back into his life at 6 years old. He told her she could fly to see him, and eventually after trust was built and if he WANTED to, we'd let him fly out to see her. She mulled over it for a few weeks and then decided again that she did not want to be in his life. She said the logistics of it just didnt make sense since she was out of state. She really did not care about seeing her son at all. Then she tried to get us to settle out of court about the child support payments. She offered to give us $400 a month and said that was the absolute MOST she could pay. We soon learned that she actually made quite a large salary and the payments she is now paying us is DOUBLE that amount. I wanted answers for my son, so I actually had a conversation with her about WHY she left him, and WHY she did not see her other two children. She said that the hospital lost the rape kit for her daughters case, and the court was hard on her because her mother had some prior offenses. It still didnt make any sense to me why she doesnt see those kids at all...so I feel like she is being dishonest about something. She said that she didn't feel like she could mentally be there for my son at that time because she was going through the process of losing her other children and their case of them being molested. I'm really weary of anything she says though. I find it odd that her other kid is living with his adopted father now as well. I think she is pretty worthless and just doesn't want to be a mother or deal with children. Its just kind of crazy that she would not have ANY four of her children living with her.


So with that being said.. how do I keep myself neutral? I obviously don't want to sway my son one way or the other about his real mother. To me and my husband, she doesn't matter at all. We are a family and really dont give a second thought to her at all. But I know that this is a part of my son, its something hes probably not just going to be like "Oh well" about. I want him to know the door is open to talk about it. and he is going to want answers, closure, and to probably know about his background. I can't say "Yes, baby, your birth mom is a piece of crap. End of story"I would love some insight on doing whats best for my son. I guess I'm just confused on what do I say...what do I not say? It's so hard. The situation breaks my heart. I just want to be there for him.

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Dove - posted on 07/25/2016

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This is your stepson... not your adopted son. If he was your adopted son then it wouldn't matter that bio mom is a deadbeat because she would have signed away her rights to him... you would have legally adopted him... and she wouldn't be liable to pay child support.

I know none of that has anything to do w/ the issue at hand... but the title of your OP IS misleading.

Just keep telling him that his bio mom was not able to be a mom to him and that she left him in the best possible place for him to have the best possible life w/ you and his father where he would always be safe and loved.

If that is not enough for him and/or he keeps up the negative talk/feelings about how she didn't want him... you might want to seek some counseling for him to help deal w/ it all.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/25/2016

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Did you actually go through the court system and adopt him?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/25/2016

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I would redirect all his questions to his dad. Ultimately, he needs to figure out how much to divulge in an age appropriate manner. You are in a hard situation, and this child has 3 more siblings he may never know.

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