My adult 18 year old daughter is driving me crazy!!!

Patrice - posted on 12/03/2013 ( 27 moms have responded )

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She just informed us she is not going to continue her education. If she was we would continue to let her live at home. She now works full time and is very responsible at work which is great but then she comes home. At home is is moody, sudden and uncommunicative. She basically won't talk to me unless I ask her a direct question and then her answers are often short, curt and not very nice. She doesn't seem interested in family life...doing anything with her Dad and I and her brother. I ask her and she says she wants to move out but can't afford it. Help!!! I really need her to move out for my sanity's sake. How do you go about asking her to leave? I don't want her on the streets. The fact is I love her very much even if I don't like her.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/05/2013

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Tegan, I take it your kids are still very young.

Until you have a teenager, and are experiencing what we parents of teens sometimes experience, you don't know how you'll react.

Ever heard the phrase "I love you very much, but I don't LIKE the person that you are now"? Just because a parent doesn't LIKE the way one of their kids is acting doesn't mean they don't LOVE their kid.

Actually, no one ever said you have to like your kids! And, to your statement of "I am sure when she was younger you wouldn't have said you don't like her" could be considered inaccurate as well. I have told my kids PLENTY of times that I do not LIKE them, or the choices that they are making at a certain point in their lives. I always let them know that the LOVE is there, all the time, but I don't LIKE something. Works great, because your kids start to think for themselves, and tend to not bow down to peer pressure.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/05/2013

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Patrice, thank you so much for saying that :-) I'm so happy to have had something constructive to add.

I posted somewhere else that this has to be one of the hardest transitions we'll ever go through as parents, and I stand by that one! If you ever need a shoulder, or whatever, feel free to PM me as well. I'm pretty blunt, kinda bitchy, and very straight to the point, but I'm really nice...LOL...I promise

Jodi - posted on 12/05/2013

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If an "adult" is paying board and can't see where it goes, then they haven't been paying much attention and maybe they need to be a little less self centred, or maybe they haven't had enough responsibility in the past. Even my 16 year old knows where money goes in this place and has healthy respect for that - he can do my grocery shopping and spot a bargain a mile off. Cost of living should be an ongoing discussion with your children because that is how they learn to manage their own finances as they get older.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/03/2013

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Well, when my son graduated HS, we set up a contract. He could live at home as long as he wanted, paying room & board, as well as his share of electric, his internet, his phone and his insurance and fuel for the car.

we told him he was welcome forever because he's our son, but that he'd know when the time came to move out.

He came to me this summer, said "I think it's time mom", and we looked at places for him. He was out within 2 weeks.

If you did not specify to your daughter the rules of the home, and your expectations for her remaining in the home after graduation, may I suggest that you draw up a contract right now? Once that's done & signed, if she violates it, THEN you would be justified to evict her. As it stands, it sounds as if she's still being provided everything, and has not been told of the expectations of her as an adult.

A fair solution is to take the household expenses (Mortgage, utilities, groceries & any "extras such as cable/internet/land line phone) and divide by the number of bodies in the home. That's a fair rate for one person, an adult, to pay. It's also going to equal out to about what she'd pay for her own place, ideally. If the girl is working full time, she can definitely afford to move out. How do I know? My kid did it working only 30 hours a week at a mid range checking position at the grocery.

Let her know that her time at home is now limited, due to her lack of respect for the household. Let her know that you'll help her find a flat, if she wishes, but you WILL NOT pay for it. (Actually, I offered to pay the damage deposit for my son, but he wouldn't hear of it). Set a firm limit, 30 days is plenty to find a flat & move.

Yes, it's hard, but the truth of the matter is that you both know it's time for her to leave the nest.

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Angela - posted on 12/03/2015

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Any advice. I have a 18 yr old daughter. Grrrr!! I love her with all my heart. But right now I could string her up by her toes in a tree.
We was in a accident hit by a drunk driver. It knocked out a few of my daughter teeth. Ok she walked away with $26000.00. She would have had $13,000 left to blow. But instead she is left now with needing $5000. to finish it all. She moved out the end of august 2015. I had given her a 2002 GMC Envoy xlt. She's basically destroyed it. For the last 2 months I have been begging her to put the suv in her name. The tags expired in October. She wasn't paying the insurance. And then to top things off when I asked her to stay off toll roads she runs up a $215.00 bill doesn't say a word the bill showed up at my house in my name. She lied about a month ago that she took care of the title put suv in her name. When I received the bill I went and brought truck home. I can't seem to get her to understand why I am not giving the truck back. So she tells me that she won't visit any more if I give her back the suv. She already doesn't call or visit. My patients with her are gone. Any advice please am I doing the right thing taking the suv. It's not like I haven't tried to get her to do right. She much rather spend her time at a tattoo parlor and smoke shops. She's pierced up her face and is now stretching her ears. All the stuff she knows that will make me crazy. I have always told her if you gotta have tattoos and piercing please put them were you can still find a decent job. She does the total opposite. All ears for any advice

[deleted account]

My daughter quit college two months ago an I feel insane, so angry. I wanted for her, what I couldn't have- an education.
I will admit to you- that I asked / made my daughter leave a month ago and to my horror, she moved in with a boy. We are Christians (my husband deceased) and it was just her and I.
She is not coming back. I am mortified that she's playing 'wife' with this boy. But I really screwed up, I am heart broken.
So- learn from my stupid mistake.

Patrice - posted on 12/05/2013

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Shawn,

What you said toTegan was exactly what i wanted to say but didn't. I'm guessing her children are very young too,

Thank you sssoooo much for your last comment about how sometimes we don't like our kids but we still love them.
So far I've found your comments to be the most helpful and respectful.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write and if you have anymore helpful advice I'm sure ready and willing to listen!!!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/05/2013

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Jodi is correct. By the time my kids were 10, they were able to bargain shop, do price comparisons & purchase accordingly, and maintain a 'budget' with their spending money. If an adult living at home with their parents cannot do so, then it falls to that adult to take the steps to understand.

Tegan, in your husband's case, this would apply. My own adult son (19) has been fully aware of household expenses, and cost of living issues since he was around 12, and while living at home after graduating HS contributed to his share of the expenses without a qualm. After about a year of that, he had enough saved (even with paying me room & board) to be able to move out on his own, paying all of his damage deposit & his first & last month rent.

He took the responsibility on himself to find the place, and make sure he had enough funding to get him started. Since he's moved, he asks me to "double check" his bank account once in awhile...personally I think its so he can brag that he's being sensible...LOL

The point is...that's all part of being an "adult"

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/05/2013

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I'm fairly certain the young woman is capable of calculating how her room & board is applied. I didn't have to explain it to my kid. I'm fairly certain she knows that she is paying for her electricity, internet access, heat, and a roof over her head.

Patrice - posted on 12/05/2013

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Tegan,

Thank you so much for being blunt and honest. That's what I want.

I have never, ever told my told my daughter I don't like her. I don't like the way she is acting is the way I should have phrased it. I tell her often that I love her very much and would really prefer her to stay at home with us with a good attitude and I try to talk to her about what may be bothering her.

I agree home should be a happy place but all the responsibility to make it that way does not fall on the parents shoulders alone once a child turns 18. They too are responsible to contribute to a happy home environment

Patrice - posted on 12/05/2013

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Thanks so much for your post Jennifer.

This type of attitude is definately not new for her. We have been struggling with her attitude since she was nine years old. It is just getting worse and now that she is out of high school it is bad!!

Patrice - posted on 12/05/2013

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Yeah Jodi I am sure there are decent people looking for roomates. I thnk she is scared...wants to move out but is scared of all the responsibility.

Not sure where to go from here. I have been looking at places for her and everything is ssooo expensive. She has a fulltime job but it is just a sales clerk in a ladies store which doesn't pay great.

I sure appreciate you responding.

Patrice

Patrice - posted on 12/05/2013

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Shawn,

You are ssooo right about friends for roomates turning into enemies. I too have experienced that. I thinks she is scared...wants to move out but likes the security of home.

Studio apartments here too are really expensive. I've done some looking myself.

Other peoples' comments of looking for roomates are true too. There are people out there looking for that. Maybe she doesn't want to move out bad enough to do this. I don't know.

Right now I just feel like a really bad Mom, especially since her friends are all happy living at their own homes. I am very sensitive. Ugh!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/05/2013

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And, honestly, my son looked at sharing a place with friends, but the easiest way to make best friends into enemies for life is to live with them. I found that out on my own...LOL...

Ads for a roommate, or even a studio apartment may be the better route here

Jodi - posted on 12/04/2013

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Why can't she look for ads looking for room mates? Honestly, it doesn't have to be a friend. She can't afford to be that fussy. You can help her find something, but I am sure there are decent people out there looking for room mates!!

Jennifer - posted on 12/04/2013

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Patrice-
Thoughts of some questions for you to consider.
Why does she want to move out?
Why not go to college?
Is what she is doing attitude towards you out of character for her?
Perhaps move outside of the city?

Patrice - posted on 12/04/2013

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This is a very helpful e-mail. I did have a talk with my daughter today and she really does want to move out but cannot find any friends who want to do so and the cost to live on her own in our city is very expensive. She says she feels stuck and we feel stuck too????

Patrice - posted on 12/04/2013

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Thank you Shawn. That was a very helpful post! I have to admit we haven't set up a contract and we need to do that. Her lack of respect continues to be the biggest problem.

Patrice - posted on 12/04/2013

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Shawn and Amber,

I guess since there are four people living in our home the amount we are charging is comparable to living away from home. That means she'd have to have three roomates to pay a similar amount away from home.

I think I meant she couldn't afford to live in her own apartment, by herself and pay the same price she is paying here.

I like the idea of setting up a contract. We haven't done that. I guess I was naive and thought everything would be peachy. Ha!

Her attitude and lack of respect continues to be the biggest problem.

Patrice - posted on 12/04/2013

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Had a little talk with her today and she said she does want to move out and has talked to a few of her friends but none of them want to move away from home yet. It is very expensive to live in our city and although our daughter is working fulltime her pay is low and I don't think it would cover everything with her living alone. So, yes she is frustrated and we're frustrated too. How do you find cheap accomodations?

Amber - posted on 12/04/2013

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I agree with Mardi McKenzie, I would charge her room and board at realistic prices, make her pitch in on the utilities, and buy her own food or pitch in on groceries, etc. and save it for her to help her move out as soon as there is enough. If she's got a job, she should be able to afford it long enough to make this work, and don't tell her you are doing it either. This is exactly what I'm doing to my children as soon as they graduate highschool...either you go to college or you are going to abide by these rules, then draw up a lease/contract for them to sign, and save their money for them. You can't be lax on her either if she happens to miss her deadline for rent either, have to keep it realistic so she knows what to expect once she is out. As for her attitude, perhaps the fact that she wants to be out is getting her down and depressed and she's just not handling it in the proper way? I would just give her a bit of space right now, don't push, but make it known you are there to talk. This way, you have peace of mind because her attitude isn't driving you crazy and she isn't feeling forced, or obligated, to do things, usually this will bring them back into the mix too once the pressure is off. She is 18, she's wanting her independance, her space, and not having to do 'family' things all the time anymore. It sucks seeing them grow up, but we should never let that keep us from treating them as such.

Mardi - posted on 12/03/2013

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You say your charging her room and board, but its not what she would pay in the real world.
You also say, you need what she pays to actually support her living there, and thats a fair call.

So you need to look at what it would cost her to move out, her weekly expenses, raise room and board to the more realistic level, save the difference for her, to help with bond and advanced rent etc, maybe a few appliances (depending on what she will need).

I had my son move back here from his dads at 18, oh, what a horrid year that was, but we all survived, he got work and into studies, got his licence and a car, then moved out.

Peg - posted on 12/03/2013

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it is harsh for sure. I went through this with my son and it killed me. But sometimes these kids need to know that in your house, your rules and it doesn't mean a thing that they are adults. Adults can make there own way in the world. Your daughter is still figuring it out. I would follow through and when the posting goes on the door maybe she will change before the 60 day mark. But you have to think of yourself. You set expecations for her staying at home and she hasn't lived up to the deal. We are going through that with my step daughter who has a 6 month old baby. Two years under our roof and she saves, works and goes to school for some type of job training. She sat on her ass for the first four months then told us that she is moving out in April. We are very upset since her plan is to move to Floriday and mooch off of a friend and her husband and two kids with her boyfriend in tow. When she leaves she cuts all financial help all together. We have made her make one promise and that is that she not subject her child to hardships and at least have the sence to call us. We will help him...but not her. You are not required to live your childs consequences.

Peg - posted on 12/03/2013

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Patrice: Then go to the court house and file an eviction notice. Just evict her. Warn her so she can get ready. There is always a friend for the short term. Start leaving room mate ads out on the table everyday. But if you want her out they kick her out.

Patrice - posted on 12/03/2013

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To Peg Steele,

Actually we are charging her room and board already but it is nowhere near what she would have to pay out in the real world. Unfortunately we can't save the money for her as we need it to make ends meet.

We have sat her down about a zillion times about her attitude and she'll be better for a couple of days and then it all goes back to how it was.

Patrice

Peg - posted on 12/03/2013

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If she works then start charging her board. Charge upward of 30% and put the money asside for her to use when she moves out (don't tell her you are doing that). Sit her down and tell her about the board. Then tell her that while she is under your roof you will not tollerate any disrespect and to you, her father or her brother. If she can't get it right she needs to go and you are prepared right now to set that deadline with her. If she cops an attitude then say "Fine....You have 60 days to find a home. In the mean time you will pay board of $X dollars a week. No board...no food, no phone, no car, no clothes, no nothing (steel her light bulbs). Be serious about this and don't play. Either she will become a reasonable young adult or she will in fact get out of your house and you can hand her a little bit of money on her way out.

At the end of 30 days go to the court clerk and file for eviction so you have the papers in your hand on the 60th day. You will get her out and the two week warning of the little pink notice from the court house place on her bedroom door will send the signal that you are serious.

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