my adult daughter doesn't want to see or speak to us

Maura - posted on 12/10/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

3

0

0

My daughter about a month ago visited us with her 6 month daughter.She e-mailed me and said that she thinks it's better we don't speak or see each other for a while. She said when she comes to our house she leaves very unhappy,because she usually leaves after arguing with us over some matter. For years her now husband has never come to visit with her and we tried going and talking to them as a couple since they wouldn't come and asked what is the problem why don't you visit.He said it's not that I don't like you .I work I said we all work and you have to make an effort if you care.They now have a daughter we thought with each milestone her moving in with him ,getting married and then having a child that things would get better but in 8 yrs they've been together he has been to our house maybe 5 times. They bought a house two yrs ago and last winter never put the heat on and if we said we would like to come over my daughter would say well we're not putting the heat on and we don't have anything to feed you. (Otherwise don't come we're not making any effort).Now they have a daughter and they weren't putting a coat on her on the cold days saying they didn't have one my son and myself searched so many stores looking for a certain style doesn't like to be confined. She came over on acold day no jacket just a blanket over her and a one piece outfit I said where's the jacket it's to big! To big or not put it on her.It was cold.My husband said I hope you have the heat on for our granddaughter unlike last winter when you didn't put it on at all.If I find out it's not on I'll call social services.My daughter took afit screamed hit her hand with her fist and stormed out .She later said her dad crossed the line .My husband only cares about the safety of the child the one day we were at her house about a month and a half ago there was a terrible draft coming from the fireplace that my husband found the vent and closed but where has their daughter been playing right where the draft has been coming in.with damp hair after a bath.It just scares us that that small things like keeping their daughter warm (away from drafts ,a jacket hat and gloves that I bought because she never had one on. I know by mentioning social services put my daughter over the edge but our granddaughter's health is our concern she's had a few coughs and colds so we're even feeling bad for her and trying to help prevent those.Throughout her pregnancy she said her in-laws were winning I said what do you mean they were constantly giving her gifts.We gave so many gifts at her shower but it wasn't enough.She also threatened that if we didn't change that we wouldn't be able to see our granddaughter.All we were asking for was respect from her husband to acknowledge we existed and treat like in-laws instead as if we don't exist . Money is not an issue inregards to not putting the heat on last winter .They said it was a waste of money .So we thought if they thought that way last winter they may think that way even though they had a baby.It's sad to think when my daughter was expecting she was in a cold house. I cry every day and read over the e-mail she wrote and can't get over that she said I don't have to fake any more>she complains about us but she has said hurtful things over the yrs .The day we went over I said lets try to bury the hatchet and apologized for anything that was said but they later told my other daughter that was a useless visit. Iv'e written several e-mails to her since the first one she wrote but she never responded.I'm scared that my granddaughter will grow up not knowing us.I miss her terribly.She said her happiness her daughter and husband's happiness is what is important and being around us makes her miserable.I understand she wants to be happy.But our happiness should also be thought of or I guess not.She never takes advice as far as she is concerned our ideas are stupid but yet we brought up her and her sister and brother and shared the caretaking ourselves for many years.I feel that we are of no importance to her anymore and makes us feel so sad.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

LalaBoom - posted on 12/10/2013

248

0

41

I'm really, really, sorry you have to deal with this.

Your daughter told you in plain words she wants nothing to do with you. She and her husband actively work toward evading your presence. And then she went on to say "...her happiness her daughter and husband's happiness is what is important and being around us makes her miserable."

There's no simpler way to put it: Your daughter wants nothing to do with you. Whatever her logic is, at this point it doesn't matter. You are aggravating the situation with your efforts to make, establish, continue contact. STOP NOW. Seriously, STOP NOW.

Have you ever heard the saying "you don't know what you have until you lose it"? Yeah, I say you give that a try. Whatever issues your daughter is going through, she's an adult with a man and a daughter of her own- she needs to be able to handle her life without you. As for your granddaughter, go ahead and call ACS, but know that even if they don't have heat in the house, it doesn't mean they're not keeping her warm enough so this may just be a difference in child-rearing and could blow up in your face.

Good luck with everything! Hugs!

2 Comments

View replies by

Maura - posted on 12/10/2013

3

0

0

Thank you for responding I haven't written since the 29th of Nov. to her.It's just so hard to think that she doesn't want anything to do with us but I guess it's right there in black and white in an e-mail.My husband says we have to be strong if it's not there in her heart for us we can't force it.I 've tried to come to terms with it but when I hear of others enjoying their son-in-law and new granddaughter I'm so sad and try to hold the tears back as I'm doing now as I'm writing this.
Thank you again for responding !

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms