My adult son and his crazy GF...please help

D - posted on 09/10/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Hello, new here...and thanks for any help/advise on my issue, its truly breaking my heart. Heres the short: My son is 20, his new gf is 21 almost 22 with a 2 yr old son...We, my husband and I, allowed her to move in with us last yr. with her son because they were homeless and couch surfing, so my son met her, liked her and well, we were an easy target for her I guess. She lied to me before we moved allowed her to move in, she said she didn't drink and she does...she said she never did drugs and she does, on occasion I think, she slept around a lot or so we hear thru the grapevine (small town) so, they...my son, her and her son, lived with us last summer for 5 months, then moved out as we ALL had a huge disagreement, they were gone for 3 weeks to her grandmas where they had an OUT with her, grandma called the cops..hmmm, and well they requested to come back to our house...so, here they were back at our house again...mind you no one had a job, so I worked and paid for everything...I don't mind helping my son out til hes on his feet but, it got a bit ridiculous after 4 months...so, I then find out she was getting 331.00 child support since feb 2015 yet, never gave me a penny or paid a utility bill, my bill went from 125.00 mo. to 300 a month, I am gone all day working so, once my son had a job, she said she would help with the electric...never happened..finally a disconnect notice and my son FINALLY paid 250 on it, she said from there on out she would pay it..so 3 months later and my bill was at 800, she never paid it...we had a fight and well I told them, now you have a job, she has a tanning salon job and 331 child support you all can move out...I gave them 2 weeks and nothing...in the last 6 months letting them live here FREE gave them both the ability to save enough for a 2013 car and another older car, both had rigs now..and I'm driving a beater, lol, go figure...so, I had had enough and told them move or else...many other little annoyances happened, like me findng empty drug pills,I found out it was extacy later...but having that stuff in my house was not acceptable...so, I decided I will call them and say your belongings were on the driveway, BIG MISTAKE...so, she called the police on me for removing her things, I had to allow her back in the house and well, they moved out 2 weeks later...to her grandma's apartment to beat all LOL....guess grandma forgave her, unreal....BUT, in the interim the Girlfriend turned my son against me...I have tried now for months to fix it, saying I love you son...but I don't like her...and why can't we talk, I am your mom I love you ...I just want whats best for you....and oh I forgot to mention she put in a suit against me with the police...saying I put liquid in her car, untrue...and no witness...my son was washing his car next to hers and her window was down, KIDS!!!! First of all, her car is not her car,,,,my son bought it and its worth WAS like 500 til she drove it and blew the head gasket, but why on earth would I put anything in her seat...she said it was WATER, hmm...with my son washing his car next to hers I wonder how water got in her seat?! And my son sides with her THINKING I put liquid in HIS car, however shes pretty dumb I think since she filed the suit against me and the cars not in her name...go figure... So, I am dealing with that however, its difficult for me to forgive her now with that going on...I had to get an attorney, which is costing me in order to have a malicious mischief off my record, a very squeaky clean record until she did this..but no witness's of the alleged crime LOL and my attorney is laughing all the way to the bank...anyway, back to my son...so, he wont speak to me really UNLESS I say I am sorry to his GF, respect her and treat her like a lil princess...all the while ....she sits there smugly and has her claws into my son....its broken my heart...but, I can't bow down to her....it's not in my being to kiss A** to anyone, let a lone a lying, conniving, nasty person like her....Please help me figure this out...it tears me up daily because I miss my 20 yr old son so much....I will do what's right, just need to know how to proceed...thank you for any advise, I really appreciate it.

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D - posted on 09/10/2015

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I totally agree with you both....I am still sad about how it all went down..prior to this girl in his life we had a great relationship..he is a good guy, being 20 I think he has a LOT of growing up to do...I am keeping my distance, not texting anymore...nada...I did tell him in my last message to him that I LOVE HIM dearly, but I will not beg him to be in my life...I said I pray every day he has a good, happy, safe life and whatever his choices are I hope they serve him well...I will disconnect for a while, until he reaches out to me, In an adult way that is...I won't bail him out anymore...I know he doesn't learn from that and he won't grow if I hinder him anymore...thanks for the advise ladies, I do appreciate the eye opener.

Jodi - posted on 09/10/2015

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Evelyn is right - you should never have let them move back in the second time. Unfortunately, by dismissing that by saying you couldn't do it as a you would have worried too much, you are essentially enabling the behaviour. You can't know that your son would have stayed with her on an ongoing basis - sure, they may have ended up on the streets, but he may have gotten jack of it after a while and come back home without her. He needs tough love.

The other mistake you made was to allow them to move in without a proper rental agreement.

It is time for you to stick to your guns. Your son is adult enough to make adult choices, so he is adult enough to live with the consequences without you bailing him out. You need to put it to him like that too. Stop enabling him, stop bailing him out, stop letting him think he can come running to you next time they are homeless and you will give him an "out". I understand you will be worried, but you are absolutely not doing him any favours by enabling him.

D - posted on 09/10/2015

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Hi Evelyn, Blunt is good if it is in the course of constructive reinforcement. I know I had the choice to not allow my son and his gf back, but I could not do it...he would have been on the street, as he would have stayed with her, and I would have been a worried mother....in taking them in I did allow them to get rigs so, they could get employed, so I did a good thing by them in many ways. I hope as time passes, and he grows more mentally "adult" he will reassess my decisions and HIS and realize I did what I did Because I love and care about him....I will say this, I would not take them back again...I gave them 2 chances and they blew it....I have learned my lesson from being to giving...But, I couldn't have lived with myself If I let him be on the streets, no money, no car...nothing...next time I will say I can take you to a shelter or to a friends...but, I will never allow her to come to my home...I wish I was more godlike and could forgive her...I just can't at this point...I am trying, but for some reason it is not within me to forgive her now. I am slowly learning this "tough love" stuff...its not easy for me because of how I grew up...and my family, parents, everyone in my life said...never give up on family, always forgive...family is family...I'm trying now to decipher between loving and being a door mat....I appreciate your comment Evelyn...thanks and have a wonderful day!

Ev - posted on 09/10/2015

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I hate to be blunt about this but after you kicked them out the first time you should not have allowed them back the second time. That was where you made your mistake. You did not have to let them live with you. You enabled them to do this thus creating all these problems.

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