My Almost 17 yr old daughter just moved in with her father (his 3rd wife and I never married him) and their young son. I have raised her since she was 7 weeks old. I feel set up, betrayed, and hurt. I'm angry one day, and crying the next. She has cut off all communication with me. She is a stellar student going from a really good high school. Now she will do her senior year in a school district that has metal detectors. She is blowing a Diploma with Regents Honors, to a school where it is known for fights on Youtube. Yet his 7 year old son goes to private school?! Court is this week. He lied on the petition. He lied on his taxes. He violated the custody order that is 14 yrs old, at least 20 of the stipulations. He was hardly ever around and now he walks around proud of the daughter I raised by myself since she was 7 weeks old. I own my home, I drive her, support, but I made her lazy. She did nothing around the house. It bothers me knowing that she is helping out over there. Before we have even stepped into court, he changed her address on her learners permit and forwarded the mail. I could fight him on perjury, taking custody residential and legal before this weeks court date. Then I feel like I can never feel the same way about my daughter ever again.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jodi - posted on 07/13/2016

3,562

36

3907

Chasity, child support is between the two PARENTS. It is none of the child's business. Just because it shouldn't be discussed with the child doesn't mean there isn't an open relationship. Who supports the child doesn't need to be the child's business, and in cases such as this, if it were a topic of conversation, can actually alienate a child from another parent.

My son's father, for example, barely paid any child support from the time we split 16 years ago. Any time it was ordered through our agency, he would get jobs avoiding payments on the books and I'd end up with nothing. My son never needed to know what an asshole his father was not paying child support. What does he gain from me talking to him about it? What do I gain from talking to him about it? Nothing. So no, child support is not something you need to be discussing with a child for a NUMBER of reasons.

Ann, there is no reason for you to be discussing the child support with your daughter. If your daughter is living with him, why do you need child support? And once she turns 18....that becomes her problem.

Michelle - posted on 07/13/2016

4,608

8

3247

A child still doesn't need to know about the adult issues like child support.
I have an open relationship with my children but I don't tell them the real reason's I left their Father or any details of child support.
They don't need to know.

Michelle - posted on 07/10/2016

4,608

8

3247

Why does she know about the child support etc?
It's not for a child to be involved with the adult problems.

Dove - posted on 07/09/2016

12,536

0

1354

The fact that she is almost 17 years old means the judge will most likely let her choose where she wants to live. Not guaranteed as some judges will not allow even a teenager to make that choice, but in many cases they will.

15 Comments

View replies by

Michelle - posted on 07/13/2016

4,608

8

3247

I would never talk badly about my boy's Father to them. Children will find out in time and it's not my place to tell them my version. Just because my ex cheated on me and was emotionally abusive doesn't mean he will be like that to the children. He is their Father and they have a right to love him.
My Mother used to complain about my Dad to us and as I got older I lost a lot of respect for her. I didn't need to hear those things about my Father. He never said a bad word about her though. That's why I don't bag out my ex to my boys. They already know he's an alcoholic though as they see it.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/13/2016

13,264

21

2015

Ann, Jodi, Michelle, Ev and Dove have pretty much stated what I'd say. Your daughter is old enough to choose, and you should not discuss the terms of the support from her father.

Chastity, I'm also getting the idea that you have not been in this situation. It is never acceptable to discuss business that is between you and your partner with your children, no matter how "open" the relationship is. There are limits on what falls under the term "open".
Whether or only a non custodial parent financially contributes means nothing in regards to how that person is as a parent. This is why most areas view custody and support as two SEPARATE items.

Jodi - posted on 07/13/2016

3,562

36

3907

Chasity, I'm sorry, but you are commenting on something you have absolutely no idea about. No child, adult or not, should make a decision on how they feel about a parent based on the money that parent contributed to their upbringing. It is not, and never will be, the child's business. My son is now 19, and he has no idea what money was contributed (or lack thereof) by his father, because it doesn't matter and shouldn't matter to him. What MATTERS is that he has a positive relationship with his father. He doesn't need to know his dad contributed less than $50 a month to help raise him. How would that improve my son's relationship with either of us? It wouldn't. But it might give him cause to have less respect for his dad, and it's not my place to impose that on him.

"NOT TALKING ABOUT THE OTHER PARENT IN THE NEGATIVE. "

Ev has put this exactly right - it isn't in the child's best interests EVER to talk about the other parent in the negative, and sharing information with a child about the lack of financial support provided by the other parent is talking about the other parent in the negative.

Let's put it this way. let's say you have an argument with your partner. Would you then proceed to sit down and tell your child about that argument and why you are angry with him? Or would you consider that a private thing between you and your partner?

I think that part of this you are missing is that children are a product of BOTH parents, and when they hear something negative about the other parent, you are, in essence, insulting them. They carry a part of that person with them forever - they are genetically connected. A child, no matter how old, will always take that as a negative on them. If I told you that your father was an immature moron, even if that wasn't YOUR experience of him, you would feel insulted. It isn't my place to impose my views of my child's father on him. It is my place to allow him to form his OWN judgement based on HIS personal experiences with his dad.

Ev - posted on 07/13/2016

8,183

7

919

Chasity--I take it that you have not been divorced or had to deal with custody issues? It is more a question than a statement at this point because I do not know your situation.

As a mom who divorced 14 years ago, I had some rules from the court to follow. These included no cohabitation with someone of the opposite sex unless relative or married, following the court ordered custody/visitation orders, and most importantly NOT TALKING ABOUT THE OTHER PARENT IN THE NEGATIVE. That last part is in all caps for a reason.

It is against court ordered visitation/custody to talk negatively in front of the kids about the other parent. That means you say things that are either neutral or positive even if you do not like the other parent. Talking about child support is not the child's issue, it belongs to the parent. It could be seen as negative if a remark is made about how the other parent is not meeting obligations of child support if said in certain ways or manner.

Your statement "If your child's dad is a deadbeat, then yes they should know. It's about being straight forward with your kids." has not truth to it. Yes, there are deadbeat parents out there, I won't deny that. But a child does not need to be told that the other parent is a deadbeat because they do not make child support or take the kids on visitation as needed. It is a negative comment about that parent. It could manipulate the child's thoughts on that other parent. It is better to not say a thing or say things that are neutral but not in regards to the parent's obligations and failure to make them. I also have experience in hearing about bad comments made about me by my ex and his current wife. The kids came with me for one of the many summer breaks I had them. They were both upset and talking about how dad and step mom had been talking about me almost in tears over it. I explained to them that it did not matter to me because it was not hurting me because their dad and step mom were really hurting themselves, their relationships and their family by concentrating on me and their thoughts on me because they clearly did not know me. Step mom did not know me but for what my ex had told her and our meetings here and there during the time of visitations. My ex also did not know me at all anymore because the only times we were in the same place was for visitation pick up or drop off or for school/medical related times. I had changed over time and he had too so I only knew him from the kids' descriptions of him. So with that in mind, I tried to tell them that no matter what was said that they knew the real truth and knew me and that was all that was important. They were floored to see that I did not have any affect from the bad talk about me. I do not know what was said but it still would not have hurt me because I know who I am and so on and they do not know me at all. And so the kids bucked up after that and became calmer and would still tell me if dad or step mom said things but were better about it. I also did not talk in the negative about dad. I always made a point to say that their dad was not a bad person and go from there depending on the mode of conversation. I let my kids figure out what dad was in their own time. And that is what a parent really should do. Let the kids find out how the other parent is and let the kids decide what to do about it.

Chasity - posted on 07/13/2016

0

0

6

I get your point. But, if the child is mature enough to understand, it shouldn't be a problem. Everyone's relationship with their kids is different. Some parents tell their kids everything. If something is affecting your child in some type of way, then they should know about it. If your child's dad is a deadbeat, then yes they should know. It's about being straight forward with your kids.

Ev - posted on 07/13/2016

8,183

7

919

I agree with the others. At 17 years of age the judge will listen to your daughter and consider her reasons why she went to dad's. It may have nothing to do with how she grew up at all, maybe it is what she wants before she goes out on her own to know her dad and the other child and her step mom. It could be a million reasons. I do not know but she is nearly grown. 18 is around the corner. My son came to live with me at the end of senior year before graduation. He could have sooner but getting him to school and back would have been impossible because of distance (50 miles one way). But he had told me up to that point he wanted to live with me but going to court, getting lawyer and so on was too expensive for me to do. We just dealt with what we had to until near graduation.

Chasity - posted on 07/13/2016

0

0

6

@Michelle
Maybe because her & her daughter have an OPEN relationship where she talks to her about these things.

Ann - posted on 07/10/2016

7

0

2

She is all over the place with reasons, the town, the school, me, the house...she wants "out of the bubble". Her father wants OUT of paying child support . She don't understand that once she graduates, He's off the hook. Under our agreement he would have to give her child support till she's 21 and insure her.

Michelle - posted on 07/09/2016

4,608

8

3247

I agree with the others, it's pretty much her choice.
What happened for to want to live with her Dad? That's what you actually need to address, not everything that he has done wrong. SHE is the one that made the choice, not him.

Jodi - posted on 07/09/2016

3,562

36

3907

Well, she's 17. There is probably not a lot you can do about it. The judge is unlikely to order that she must return to you if she doesn't want to, so it's a waste of money pursuing it. I think the big question, if you want to resolve it, is WHY did she decide to move over there? She didn't make this decision for no reason.

Ann - posted on 07/09/2016

7

0

2

Her father is bi-polar. He doesn't take his meds. She won't even go to therapy with me. He has totally cut off communication. I went to his house for holidays, with gifts for his son and 3rd wife. Now, I can not even be at her HS graduation next year. So hurt!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms