MY BABYS IS GROWING UP PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!

Katie - posted on 01/26/2015 ( 21 moms have responded )

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My 13 year old daughter wants to go spend the night at her boyfriends house. There will be parental super vision but I am still on the fence. When I was younger my parents were not always the most responsible and they would let me spend the night at my friends 24/7. My sister lost her virginity when she was 12 to a 14 year old boy. And I don't want my baby to make the same mistake. I am worried that if I take away this event from her she might have lost out on a good experience because I didn't trust her. She is a very good and responsible kid. Please help me!!!

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Jodi - posted on 01/29/2015

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Katie, noone was criticising or speaking disrespectfully about your parenting. That you saw that in people's posts speaks volumes. You asked for advice, it was given. Your parenting was not up for question, but there is nothing wrong with expressing that a 13 year old is too young to date as an opinion. Why? Because, in my opinion, suggesting that a 13 year old can date is suggesting that she and a boy she is "in love" with can be alone together for a period of time without adult supervision. Unfortunately, no matter how mature and sensible a teenager is, two teens of the opposite sex who are attracted to each other WILL eventually give in to their hormonal cries!! It is generally (although not always, but you can never be sure) inevitable. If you mean "dating" in a highly supervised environment, well, that is different. But sleeping over can bring all sort of expectations. If it is about "getting to know" his family, this can be done in many other ways than staying overnight.

By expressing this to you, I am NOT being disrespectful about your parenting, I am expressing MY views on the situation based on the information given and my own experience, both with my own teens AND the hundreds of teens that I teach. But it is no reflection on you as a parent that I hold these views, so maybe you need to take the advice at face value rather than quite so personally.

To be fair, as parents of teens or older children, we have all faced crossroads with certain decisions, and while it may not be obvious to us at the time, it is sometimes obvious to others who have been there, or have more experience, or are more objective and removed from the situation. I was just saying to my husband the other night, about a situation I was dealing with in relation to my son and his girlfriend, that I am on a learning curve too, and every new situation brings with it new decisions and sometimes a change of mindset. There are MANY times I've had ideas on where I stand with something and I have had to re-evaluate that based on circumstances and new experiences (I am a teacher as well, so I see something EVERY day that teaches me in raising my own teens). There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking a question and then evaluating the information you have, whether you agree or not, and changing our mind about something. But it isn't about your parenting. You are parenting a teenager - you WILL re-evaluate at times based on information your receive, information you learn and experience. And there is nothing wrong with any of that.

Sorry that was such an essay, but getting all angry and upset over conflicting opinions, views and advice is not going to serve you well because you are on a learning journey. Take what serves you well, put aside what doesn't work for you and your teen, but don't get upset thinking that your parenting is being targeted, because in the end, it isn't about you. Accept that you will make mistakes and sometimes may have to rethink your position, and whether you do or you don't, there is nothing wrong with that unless your daughter ends up harmed and damaged.

Sarah - posted on 01/29/2015

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Katie, in your OP you state : My sister lost her virginity when she was 12 to a 14 year old boy. And I don't want my baby to make the same mistake.
To me that sound like you were considering opening the door for your daughter to have an overnight sexual encounter. What sort of advice were you looking for if you already knew the answer and felt it was a silly question?
That you believe you daughter to be a smart and responsible young woman, does not change that she is only 13.

Elizabeth - posted on 01/28/2015

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Tell your daughter that you trust her but that you do not think that the action of her spending the night at her boyfriends home at the age of 13 is acceptable behavior. My daughter is 24 now. At 13 there were about 14 young boys asking her out. I simply took the stress away and told her to tell the boys that she was not allowed to date until age 16. Problems went away. Now is the time for you to make household rules that you can live by. You do not need to cater to your daughter. You are her mom and it is your job to keep her safe. Keep her from having an unwanted pregnancy at 13 and screwing up her life at such a young age. Time to set some rules and tell her why you have the rules and she will respect you and thank you for putting her first. Talk with the boy too if it makes sense to you. Why on earth would his parents allow your daughter to spend the night?

Trisha - posted on 01/26/2015

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Agreed. This would never even be considered. If my son wants to say over at a girls house, he is going to have to sneak out just like I had to.
I was 17 when I started asking for this type of thing. The ONLY time it was okay was when my mom was in contact with my first bfs parents and confirmed that it was a big social event, than there were adults there, and we wouldn't be alone together.
This was even AFTER my mom knew I was on birth control and knew I was sexually active.

Sarah - posted on 01/26/2015

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I would agree with Shawnn. In what world would this question even be a consideration?! If she is asking this question I would have great concerns in many other areas. That question speaks volumes on where she is morally, where her values are, where her boundaries are, etc. I would be having a LONG DEEP talk to her.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/20/2015

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I most certainly didn't see one post attacking your parenting, Katie, but you seem to be questioning it yourself, with the defensiveness used in responding to posts.
I realize that this is an old post, but lady, you ahve to be prepared for anything when you put something on the internet...

Kendall The 12year Old Kid - posted on 07/20/2015

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don't let her do it. I never at any age think a boy and girl should sleep together not even in difert rooms. u never know what could happen

Rebecca - posted on 01/30/2015

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No! I would NEVER let my 13 year old who's in 7th-grade do that until she's eighteen! Tell her you love her and that it's a 'hell no way never until you're a grown-up' to have these love interests.

Laura - posted on 01/30/2015

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How do you know it really is going to be supervised?
I would say no, I know she will be upset but what 13 Y/O girl spends the night at her boyfriends house. That's just asking for problems. You are the parent and you know you feel its not right. And if this boys parents are letting him have a coed sleep overs I would be questioning their parenting.

Dove - posted on 01/29/2015

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Well... if you think these comments were attacking your parenting... I'm sure glad I didn't tell you how my 13 year old daughter thinks of the other 8th grade (and younger) girls in her school that DO have boyfriends... lol You'd think she was bashing your daughter.

Elizabeth - posted on 01/29/2015

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Katie - My 24 year old got pregnant at 16. At the time I thought I was doing a good parenting and with the boys mom we were all good friends thinking our children were mature and could handle their relationship (we discussed sex; birth control options). We allowed our children to sleep at eachother's homes. Yes, the whole experience was horrible; my daughter has long term issues pertaining to having an abortion which was her decision in CA and not the parents. No parent is critizing your parenting. Look at this forum as a concensus of mom's. I made a grave mistake 8 years ago and I hope for the sake of your daughter and yourself that you trust your gut and think through the consequences of your decisions. Mom to mom and I mean no respect - 13 is still really a child in many respects. We may want to think of our daughter as mature; responsible but even if they are; even if safe sex occurs a pregnancy can result. What then? For what my family went through and what the other family went through I would never wish any of that on anyone. I have three boys too ages 22; 21 and 15. All three are still virgins and proud of it.

Elizabeth - posted on 01/29/2015

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Katie - My 24 year old got pregnant at 16. At the time I thought I was doing a good parenting and with the boys mom we were all good friends thinking our children were mature and could handle their relationship (we discussed sex; birth control options). We allowed our children to sleep at eachother's homes. Yes, the whole experience was horrible; my daughter has long term issues pertaining to having an abortion which was her decision in CA and not the parents. No parent is critizing your parenting. Look at this forum as a concensus of mom's. I made a grave mistake 8 years ago and I hope for the sake of your daughter and yourself that you trust your gut and think through the consequences of your decisions. Mom to mom and I mean no respect - 13 is still really a child in many respects. We may want to think of our daughter as mature; responsible but even if they are; even if safe sex occurs a pregnancy can result. What then? For what my family went through and what the other family went through I would never wish any of that on anyone. I have three boys too ages 22; 21 and 15. All three are still virgins and proud of it.

Katie - posted on 01/29/2015

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I understand I wanted to know others opinion thank you for being more considerate than others I wasn't trying to make it sound like I was opening the door for my daughter to have a sexual encounter realize where it might have seemed like that but I have to go my daughter is getting off the buss.

Katie - posted on 01/29/2015

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I understand thank you. My daughter and her boyfriend would have been sleeping in the living room with the boys parents laying on the couches. And it was more of a 'get to know the family' type thing than a 'lest have sex' type thing im so sorry If anyone got my message mixed up. I have also contacted the parents of the boy and told them she wasn't able to make it. She decided to go to the mall with me and her friend Casey( which is her bf's little sister).Thank you though I am thankful for those of you who told me something that didn't anger or upset me.

Katie - posted on 01/29/2015

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I understand your concern in all and I have already decided not to let her go thank you guys but the hate im getting for letting her date is not being very appreciated I understand 13 is waaaaaay young but my daughter is an extremely smart and responsible young women. She is only 13 and she was able to skip a grade and go to 8th grade. I asked this question because I thought maybe there would be more of a helpful answer than talking disrespectfully about my parenting. also forgot to add that her friend Casey would also be coming along (not that that is very important). I understand that was sort of a stupid question but I see many stupid question on here and I don't talk crap about there parenting. Please just understand that I was looking for advice and not for you guys to talk badly about my parenting. Thank you.

Elisel - posted on 01/28/2015

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At 13 I won't even let my daughter walk the mall alone-or with friends.
Boyfriends...well they are gonna have the little school boyfriends, I don't like it BUT I would rather know about it than be in secret. AND even those boyfriends....we don't ever go on chaperoned dates either! its strictly a school thing.
my 13 year old would never ever even think to ask such a question because she knows it would be a "NO WAY, NOT EVER"

Gena - posted on 01/28/2015

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And people ask themselves why young teenagers fall pregnant. I wouldnt let a 13 yr old sleep by the "boyfriend". Yes it might be parental supervision,but they wont be awake the entire night.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/26/2015

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I this post real? No you do not let your 13 year old sleep over her boyfriends house. Supervised or not. This is ridiculous.

Jodi - posted on 01/26/2015

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13 is way too young to have a boyfriend anyway. Staying over? No way. This summer is the first time I have ever allowed my son to stay at a girlfriend's house, and that's because I agreed he could stay at her house after her 18th birthday (he will be 18 this year too). At 13? Over my dead body.

Raye - posted on 01/26/2015

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13 year-old's should never spend the night with a love interest. What kind of parents does this boy have that they would consent to such a thing?

My step-kids have had co-ed sleep-overs at a trusted friend's house with their 3 boys and 1 girl since they were small. But there is supervision and nothing inappropriate ever allowed. And those may stop now that some are getting into their tweens. It's better to be safe than sorry.

Dove - posted on 01/26/2015

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Why does a 13 year old have a boyfriend in the first place?! That would be a 'hell no'... period.

Sarah - posted on 01/26/2015

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I wonder what you mean by "she might have lost out on a good experience"? Just because she is a good kid, does not mean she isn't curious about sex.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/26/2015

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Seriously? at 13, she's a bit young, IMO for a 'boyfriend' anyway.

In what normal world does a 13 YO think that asking to spend the night at her boyfriends is OK? Yes, a sleepover with a close friend who's the same sex is one thing, but unless the 'boyfriend' is gay...absolutely not.

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