My BIL has to live with us indefinitely and I want to move out!

Terry - posted on 03/14/2016 ( 6 moms have responded )

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My husband's brother just moved in with us yesterday because he got put out of the place he was living in. He has a problem with following rules and he curses people out. He is 40 years old and has mental problems. He is schizophrenic, manic depressive, developmentally delayed, morbidly obese, and has high blood pressure, and sleep apnea. He's on a slew of medications. He can not live alone because he has the mind of a child. He has lived with everyone in his family and been put out for being disrespectful and not following rules. I have not been very fond of him ever since he cursed my mother out years ago. There is no one left that will take him so my husband has no choice. I understand that he has to take him in. He can't let him live on the streets, but I can't live with him forever! This situation feels hopeless and I don't see any other way but to leave.

I have issues with anyone living in our house with our family. My husband and I will be married 12 years tomorrow, together 14 1/2. We have 3 kids together ages 13, 11, and 10. It wouldn't be SO bad if it was temporary but it is permanent and I just can't see living this way for the rest of my life. I REALLY love my privacy and home is the only place on the planet that I am comfortable! If anyone stays in my house longer that a weekend, I can't stand it. I have social anxiety and I can deal with people for short periods of time only. Home is where I go to shut the world out and relax. I can't ever do that again if he is here. My husband is happy about the situation and I am miserable. I realize that he has no choice in the matter and there is nothing that can be done but I didn't sign up for this. I feel like I need to hide in my room all day. I think that we have just come to the end of our road together.

There are some problems with me leaving.

1. I would have to take my children from their comfortable home.
2. I am a SAHM and have no income of my own.
3. I don't have anywhere else to go.

Does anyone have any advice for me please?

6 Comments

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Terry - posted on 03/22/2016

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Thank you Michelle. I have already tried talking to him about it. He just gets mad when I bring it up. He starts to attack my personality and tells me that I shouldn't feel that way and I shouldn't be that way. He has given his brother the run of the house and I am now shut up in my room. He has a tv in his room in the basement and a couch and a huge tv to watch in the open part of the basement but he wants to sit in the family room and watch tv. My husband let him even though he knows that it is infringing on my space. I feel like a prisoner in my own house. No one is making me stay in my room. I just feel soooo uncomfortable, that I choose to stay in there. I literally am not happy anymore! I can't stop crying. I can't even eat. My home was my only place of comfort in the world and now I can't enjoy it anymore. Before he moved in, my husband told me that his brother would stay in the basement where his room is all of the time except when he needs to eat. Which sounded half way doable. Since he has been here, he is all over the house all day long and when I complain about it, my husband gets mad and says,"I can't make him stay in the basement! He would be uncomfortable!" So I have to be uncomfortable then?! He has always had his priorities all mixed up. I have never been first with him. That's why I don't feel that there is any hope here. I feel that he has chosen his brother and I am not going to fight. I will just concede.

Michelle - posted on 03/16/2016

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Hi Terry,

What a difficult and uncomfortable situation to be in. I would certainly feel as you do, especially with an unstable man around my children.

Have you considered appealing to your husband with the same sense of urgency as you have conveyed in your post? Surely he would rethink his options about how to handle his brother if he knew that the current living arrangement was contributing to a decision for you to leave potentially! I would encourage you to give some serious thought to marriage counseling; speaking with someone who could iron out the logistical and emotional issues, and possibly have outside resources that could provide your BIL with the care he needs, outside of your home. I believe marriage is worth fighting for! Don’t give up!

I hope you don’t mind, but I will be praying for you during this challenging time!

Raye - posted on 03/15/2016

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Maybe you need to talk to your husband about certain places in the house that are your safe places. Even an 8 year old can learn that certain rooms are not to be entered and people are not to be bothered while in these rooms except for emergency. Your husband should also try to enforce house rules about being respectful and not cussing people out. The BIL has done this because he's been allowed to do this. He is like a child, and will probably need some of the same disciplinary actions take to get him to function better (rewards and consequences). Maybe you should also think about getting therapy for your anxiety. It could get you out of the house for a while and be a different safe place for you to unload some of your feelings and try to learn how to cope with these changes.

Terry - posted on 03/14/2016

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He has been in a few of those places before and got put out. He refuses to comply with their rules and can be very disrespectful when he doesn't take his medicine. He was in a program in the city that he lived in that found him places to live for people like him. He used to take public transportation to get to his program daily. He knows his way around on the city buses there. He would go visit his friends and family members on his own there. We live in a different state where he doesn't know his way around and will be stuck in the house with me all day every day while my husband is at work. I would say that he functions in everyday life as a 13 or 14 year old and academically as an 8 year old.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/14/2016

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What about residential treatment centers, if his developmental disability is so extreme?

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