my boyfriend left me when i told him im pregnant

Jaydene - posted on 09/16/2015 ( 13 moms have responded )

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hi Im 3mos pregnant. and when i told my bf about it he left me.heres how it goes.
last year 2014. i got a chance to go abroad so i left him for 9mos. and in that period i learned that he has another girlfriend. so i acted before it gets worst. he promised that he wont contact that girl anymore. so i decided to get back in my home country this March. when i arrived hes there hugged me kissed me and he always visited me at my place. until such time that we didnt expect a baby will be born. i didnt notice at first that im delayed. until its 2mos. so i told hom that im delayed. after he sebt me to work, he kissed me gudbyes. aftr that day, i didnt saq him nor cant contact him. o decided to go to his hpuse and talked to him he told me that he os confused abt his feelings for me abd the girl he met when im gone. he wanted to have 2mos spacw without any contact s . o told him that if he wants that then he can np longer see me nor the baby. so he decided not tp that. he came to my place and styed there for good until he finds a job .so were sweet together we make every moments amazing but i always brag at him because hes not doing aby steps to find a job.aftr that day he left again. and txted me that he wabts to be happy.that i should let him go. i really cried that day. so my bro and i decided to go to their place to talk to him and his mom. aftr all the dramas we ended up being together again
he promised to be a good father and husband .but the days passed by he still doesnt have a job . he always plays and watched anime all day long. i also fpund out that he and the gurl is still in contact with each other. i got mad at him. so he stopped txting and communicating with the girl. aftr that day, we were good. he even accompany me ib tha clinic for ultraspund. hes really excited. he always kisses me and my tummy. he always talks to my baby. even f he dont have a job . i still believes he will find one. until aftr2weeks he talked to me, he told me that he no longer loves me he just cant tell me bcause he dont wNt to hurt me. he also said that he felt it the day i went to abroad. wat!!! so it means that until the day i arrived here all thevthings he did and say are all lies!!! hiw about tha baby thing . hes tha one who always told me that he wNts to have a baby. i really cant understand. he cheated and lied to me. he alsontold me that he loves the other gurl so much. so nxt day, he left me and mynbaby without anything he said about hes plans for the child. soni got really sad. it really hurts. i cant eat. so i texted and contact him to asl about his plans fo the baby. guess what he keeps on replying to me. thatbo should leave him and the girl alone. and what he wanta is that after MANY years thats when wedecide if we still can be frends . that he only did those things to me aftr i arrived to make me feel better.i know hes not worth enpugh to be part of me and my babys life. and i know that i should work hard by myself and for my baby. im going through my 4th month but still i cant get him off my life. i still rememver him going back. :( it really sucks when i remember what he told me.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/19/2015

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Jaydene, Please remember that this is an open website, and SOME advice you are receiving here could be detrimental if you try to folllow it. I'm speaking of things like "Never allow him legal (or partial legal) custody" "Never allow him to take the child overnight", etc.

It is not about what YOU are willing to ALLOW, but what YOUR CHILD's rights are. You and your ex BOTH have the same rights and responsibilities towards this child. This child is not a possession, and neither of you have the 'right of possession'. This human being will need two parents, whether or not they're together is irrelevant.

Jodi advice is spot on as far as what you need to do and be prepared for. BE PREPARED to share custody, visitation, etc.

Good luck

Jodi - posted on 09/18/2015

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I know it is painful at the moment, but if you put your energies into raising a healthy, balanced child, that pain will fade and you will find a balance of co-parenting with him. I have been on that roundabout for 16 years, so I do know it's difficult. But my son just turned 18 today and he is an outstanding young man. No real thanks to his dad, but because I was able to provide him with a stable environment and ensured that my personal feelings about his father (and his father's comings and goings, absences and otherwise) didn't cloud my judgement on ensuring he maintained a relationship with him.

I'm sorry you feel so alone with this. Be strong.

Jaydene - posted on 09/18/2015

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yah i know.thanks wat im really hard to accept is that why did he left. is it because he really dont want us or hes not yet ready for the obligations. im really disappointed about what happened. is it really that easy to fall out of love .gor 5years were ok then eventually whrn the baby arrivef he left. why didnt he just left sooner. he still waited gor the baby to be formed and hurt me that much .

i weny to thr clinic and i hate that feeling that all the other patients are acvompanied by their husband / mom . unlie me im all alone. i don't have my mom and dad anymorr. then now even him. my brother is sleeping due to graveyard shft so i didn't bother to wake him up.

Jodi - posted on 09/18/2015

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Well, if you had legal custody established through the courts, then that's different. My point is, the OP doesn't have that. So she needs to do that when the baby is born. Jaydene, focus on looking after yourself and bub and saving some money, and make sure you file custody orders as soon as the baby is born. But I just wanted to warn you that the father is likely to get visitation of some sort on the orders if he requests it, and the decision about that won't really be up to you.

Jaydene - posted on 09/18/2015

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only time can say.what i can only fo now is to work for my baby and when the time comes i gave birth to my baby, thats the time i will file for the custody. thanks for your imparts

Gee - posted on 09/18/2015

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Okay Jodi.. Thanks for you input.

Again this was advise for her just because he has legal rights for now you can state your case in Court like I did and I was granted physical custody. So yes it become a problem when he would take my son on the days he wasn't supposed to and especially for long periods of time.
But must not give an opinion if you don't know the entire story. What she's going through is very painful and she must continue and not focus on now but educate her self on the things that are to come legal wise.

Jodi - posted on 09/18/2015

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If he had chosen to file for custody, it wouldn't have been up to you. That's my point. A child does not "belong" to you just because you gave birth to it.

I'm sorry, but if your judgement in sleeping with the man in the first place was not that great, then what is to say your judgement on his role (or lack thereof) of a parent is any better. This is why we have a family court system - because a mother's judgement is way to subjective.

And if you choose not to go through the courts, then your child has no legal protections either - dad could come and have a visit and just take the child away and you would have absolutely no legal recourse at all - that's right, the police would not do anything. Why? because it isn't kidnapping to keep your own child from the other parent. No, it isn't ideal, and counts as parental alienation. Just as you think you can pick and choose whether to "allow" the father around the child (potentially parental alienation)....the father actually has that same right if you don't have court orders or a legal document. So having custody and visitation orders serves two purposes.

Noone is suggesting that a tiny baby be taken from its mother. They are suggesting that this mother doesn't have the right to stop the father being in its life, and using terms such as "let", "allow" and so on, gives the impression that she does have that right.

Gee - posted on 09/18/2015

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I had the choice of a lot of things and by that I meant not giving him any problems by coming close to us. The law never had to be involved until child support had to be done because he wasn't providing for his son.

And no... I didn't have to give him legal joint custody. And a tiny baby shouldn't be taken away from its mother just so that he can have a relationship with his father. It all depends on the circumstances and the mothers judgment of this man is willing to have a stable and healthy relationship with the child.

Jaydene - posted on 09/18/2015

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i really dont know because i dont want to go to thw court here in the philippines the process here took so lomg and is expensive. i will just put my surname in the babys birth certificate. and when time comes. if ever he comes back, i really dont know yet if ever i can let him see my child. all i want for hum is that no broken promises gor my baby. i dont want my baby to feel what i felt when his father left... im still hoping that maybe he might change his heart and return to us to be a family. but thats just only a hope. i dont want to stick to that thought coz i dont want to feel hurt anymore.

Jodi - posted on 09/18/2015

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The issue I have with Gee's post is some of the language she has used:

"Make sure you never ever give him legal joint custody"
"let him take the baby over nights"
"If you ever decide to allow him to have a relationship with baby"
" I've allowed this man"

She is speaking as if the relationship between father and child is a choice the mother makes. It isn't. The law pretty much states that the father has a RIGHT to a relationship with his child. It isn't up to the mother to decide that. It is up to the courts to decide that. These aren't choices you have the outright right to make.

Jaydene - posted on 09/18/2015

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Thank you. im 24 yrs old.i think ...only time can say what will happen next. i just have to be strong. Thank u Gee Hdz

Gee - posted on 09/18/2015

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Hi Jaydene...

How old are you if you don't mind me asking. From experience I can advise you to let your sons father do as he pleases.

Its easier said than done but focus on this pregnancy and make sure you are okay emotionally. I was once in your shoes at 18 years old. Everything was peaches in cream during our short relationship until we came out pregnant.
When I told him he was already in college and he freaked out but I thought he would get over it. Long story short he flew back to see me to try to convince me to give up my baby and I refused. Even his mother tried. During the time I was pregnant and even long after I gave birth all I did was cry and stress. I had sleepless nights and I still couldn't get over how this could be happening to me. I was alone.

I didn't see him until my baby was 3-4 months old , he stopped by because all of a sudden he had a change of heart.... 15 minutes later he was gone and didn't hear from him until 2 years later. I gave a chance to be a part of my sosn life and ever since he has stayed BUT it has come with a price. Nothing but headaches and arguments because we can't co parent.

By law your sons father HAS to pay child support so do not worry! This is the law and he must pay. Make sure you never ever give him legal joint custody or let him take the baby over nights until the child is of age. Make sure you focus on your baby and not what his father can be doing for you guys. You still have a long road and life takes many turns. Focus on now, read a lot, talk to other moms (single moms) it helps.

If you ever decide to allow him to have a relationship with baby make sure it is a healthy stable one. I made that choice for my son but I realized that by giving me son his dad, I've allowed this man to take advantage and fill my sons head with things. Like money, and kool toys and gadgets. 14 years later my son decided to go live with his dad.

In the end I was still some what left with out my son.

Be strong and follow your heart.. just make sure you're also using your brain.

Best luck to you and your baby.

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