My boyfriend's child's mother will not let him have his child unless they are together

Liz - posted on 01/25/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )




Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 3 years. Prior to us meeting, he had a child with his ex-girlfriend, a beautiful baby girl, who will be 4 years old this year. Recently in 2013 me and my boyfriend made the decision to move from San Diego to Syracuse, for higher paying jobs and lower cost of living. We also figured this would allow him extra money to send back home to his child to help give her a better life, on top of the child support he pays.

We've only been out in Syracuse for a few months, and he's talking about having his child out here with us. I have no problem with that, and I'm even looking forward to helping take care of his daughter. I don't want to be her mother or stepmother, just a friend, (although at toddler ages they really don't know otherwise). For Christmas I bought her two princess dolls and sent them to her, and I have her picture on my phone and laptop, telling my boyfriend constantly that I love the baby endlessly, because that's HIS child and she's a part of him.

The problem is that his child's mother does not like me. Actually, she hates me, completely. For the past year I've received harassing messages on Facebook, email, and even phone calls from blocked numbers, calling me a home-wrecker and every derogative name in the book. I told my boyfriend that I do not want to get the cops involved because they will take his daughter from her mother, and I don't want to be responsible for separating a mother and child. No matter what the reason. So I opt to ignore it or block it.

My boyfriend is missing his daughter like crazy. He wants her over here, and he doesn't want to miss her growing up. I agree with him, considering I come from a background where my parents are divorced, but my dad was actively involved in my life.

The issue? His child's mother won't allow her child to be away from her for any reason. Wherever the baby goes, she goes. On top of it, she told him that he can't have his daughter unless he's in a relationship with her. So, in a summary, he has to sacrifice his relationship with me to have his daughter. She's even willing to fly out here to Syracuse and make her presence known. This makes me incredibly uncomfortable, and my boyfriend doesn't know what to do. He even thought about having his child's mother LIVE with us just so he can have his daughter with him, an option I am very much against, (this will cause NOTHING but problems).

He doesn't know what to do. He wants his daughter, but any option we come up with, someone will lose. He's afraid to go to family courts because she's located in California, and it's commonly known that majority of the time the courts side with the mother, regardless of the situation. I can be wrong on this, but that's what he's mainly concerned with. I've actually sat down and wrote out a few options to consider, weighing the pros and cons of each one, but no matter what I come up with, someone loses. His child's mother isn't willing to cooperate, (she basically wants me out of their lives for good, which she's actually told my boyfriend right in front of me), but I don't want my boyfriend bending over backwards and give her what she wants just to have his daughter.

I want to make him happy. I even thought about just leaving him so he can have his daughter and make things easier for him, but I would be sacrificing my own happiness for him, and he's already told me that he would see it as the most amazing and selfless gift anyone can give him, but he begged me not take away his happiness, too.

What can we do?


View replies by

Jodi - posted on 01/25/2014




A court is NOT going to side with the mother about her demanding he can only see his daughter if he is in a relationship with her. That's just ludicrous. They are also highly likely to grant him visitation, and it generally will not dictate whether you can be present or not unless there is evidence that you may be a danger to the child. He needs to go to the courts. You are right, in that she is likely to end up with primary custody, but he DID choose to move away. If he hadn't, joint custody may have been an option.

Ev - posted on 01/25/2014




I am sorry to hear this but unless he goes back to California and fights this in court, there is not much he can do about it. He has to establish custody, visitation, and child support. He has to also work with the mother for the life of the child until adult hood to make sure the child has things she needs etc. He has to put the effort forth to make a relationship with his daughter. THe mother though has to prove you are unfit to be around her child and as long as she does not have that there is nothing she can do about that either. If he really wanted to have his child with him, he would have already done something about it. This nit picking back and forth with the mother is nothing but stress on the child and making the child's life hell. She will be the one to suffer.

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