My boyfriends daughter is ruining our relationship!!!!

Rone - posted on 06/09/2016 ( 25 moms have responded )

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My boyfriend has a 9y.o daughter who is using his guilt for being away for so long against him to ruin our relationship. She cries when they're at my place so that he will leave and take her to his place. I know what she's doing but he can't see it. This stunt she pulls is really weighing hard me because I'm pregnant with his daughter and my 3 y.o calls him daddy (her biological father passed away) and it's not fair to my daughter now and it won't be fair to the new baby. I know she doesn't do this with her mom and her boyfriend because she's even called the new boyfriend daddy. I feel like she thinks this will get her mom and dad back together. I don't know what to do and every time I try to talk to him about it from experience, I too was a 9y.o with a step mom #hint #hint, I'm persecuted for expressing my thoughts. I want to keep my family together but is it worth the stress when the other party sees no wrong ?????

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Rone - posted on 06/09/2016

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Everyone knows that the way things are stated can change to tone of a conversation. Yes I feel like it's bullying because of the opinion is being stated. I'm not saying it wrong for her to want one on one time but temper tantrums? But from my experiences as a stepchild and a stepmother my father never did separate things and my daughters biological father didn't do separate things we did everything together as a family. Everytime she comes over he's not suppose to uproot because the reality is that he has another family. But ok circle of moms is not forum for me

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/09/2016

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"It's not fair to my (3 YO) daughter"~~~Who is NOT his biological child, and needs to understand that. YOU need to understand that.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/09/2016

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"One on one time, but NOT EVERY TIME HE GETS HER"?????

Just what the hell do you mean by that? HE IS HER FATHER! She has the RIGHT to ALONE TIME WITH HER FATHER ON HIS DAYS WITH HER.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/09/2016

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"but after two years he needs to blend the families". Um, no, after TWO YEARS, you need to realize that his biological first born needs ALONE TIME to spend with her FATHER. Not blended time with some woman he hooked up with and impregnated.

Your daughter calls him "daddy". Well, that's just fine and dandy. I hope you're explaining that her biological father DID exist, and is no longer with her on earth, and that your boyfriend is NOT her father, but YOUR BOYFRIEND. He will be your baby's father, but until you're married to the man, you have no right to demand that he limit his time with his biological child. You have no right to tell your own child that she can call him "daddy"...and taking him to task for not "blending" the families is ridiculous.

Jodi - posted on 06/09/2016

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I'm sorry, but you are pregnant to this man and yet you are still maintaining separate homes? How long have the two of you actually been together?

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Dove - posted on 06/09/2016

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You know... just because you have experience as a stepchild and a stepmother does not mean you understand everything. You understand YOUR feelings and YOUR experience... only.

Maybe she just doesn't like you.... just because your other stepkids (though technically not your stepkids since you said fiance, not husband) love you does not mean every kid does or will. If this has been going on for your entire two year relationship and she hasn't changed and he hasn't changed... perhaps they don't WANT to change.

And this is why I'm so against sex outside of marriage... because now you have this innocent baby coming in to this situation, so, of course, you want her father to be there and be involved... but it doesn't look like that's really what her father wants if you guys aren't even living together yet.

And I don't care what year it is... this screwed up society doesn't change my beliefs. ;)

The only thing you can do is get all of you in to counseling and hope there can be some sort of compromises and working things out. Otherwise you'll have even more emotionally distraught children shoved into situations beyond their control.

Nadine - posted on 06/09/2016

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I agree that your children should not be treated differently. But as your child gets lots of time with your partner, is it really unreasonable for his daughter to want that one on one time as well?

And I don't really think it is fair to ask for opinions, and when people are giving their honest opinion calling them bullies. It is not bullying to view it from the other side. It is not all about you.

Rone - posted on 06/09/2016

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Biological or not the children shouldn't be treated any different especially not when there will be a shared sister between the two girls. All the children should be raised and treated equally and FYI Shawn marriage doesn't define family especially not in 2016.

Rone - posted on 06/09/2016

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It's not fair that every time she throws a temper tantrum that he has to leave no it's not. And it won't be fair to our unborn child either. Every time she's come over he's suppose to leave that sound ludicrous and unheard of. My father never did that and all his children are successful and great parents. Biological or not right is right wron is wrong. Families blend all the time and biological parents don't do separate things every time they get together. As a RN I've seen a ton of blended families come into my job and no one says it's my father so let me sit in here by myself and then you come in after. Blended families have to come together period and after 2 years she shouldn't still be throwing temper tantrums when she isn't doing it at her mothers. Children do what they are allowed to do. If stops responding to them the same way guaranteed he will get a different result from her. You sound very angry for some reason maybe your dad left you for a woman or something bc you're far too angry to not know her or me. So because my daughters father passed away she doesn't deserve to have a father???? Right enjoy your day Shawn

Rone - posted on 06/09/2016

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Mary you're probably right because everyone but you just seems like a bunch of Internet bullies instead of trying to see something from my point of view. And Shawn I'm not just someone he impreganated and my daughter knows who her real father is but she's only 3 so he died before she could develop a real understanding or memories she could hold onto. And I didn't tell my daughter to call him daddy she started it on her own and both my daughter and my boyfriend appeared happier somehow and like I said I'm speaking from experience as a stepchild and stepmother his situation is confusing because my father didn't do one on ones every time I came over and I still knew he loved my siblings and I and I my deceased fiancé never did separate things we did everything as a family and the kids still call me and love me and they have accepted my boyfriend with no problems. Every time she cries he's supposed to leave I think not but you're entitled to your opinion. A blended family can never blend if all the parts don't come together. #ijs

Mary - posted on 06/09/2016

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Yes professional helps sounds perfect!!! You will get better results and advice than asking here.Sounds mean but just being honest.

Rone - posted on 06/09/2016

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One on ones yes but not every time he gets her we should all do things together because if not she will become accustomed to them being alone and that's not the reality of it because he does have a family. My father didn't do one on ones with me every time when I came over on the weekend we did family things because that was his family as well. My father did a great job and I turned out just fine not seeing him everyday or doing one on ones every time I came over. I want for all the children to feel loved. My daughters biological father had three children and we did everything together no separate anything because we were a family. A family can never blend if we don't try to blend. She's older so she will do things that my girls can't do but I also don't want the two smaller ones to feel like they aren't equally important because she's throwing temper tantrums because her parents aren't together. I've been a stepchild and a stepmother and this situation is confusing compared to what I have experienced. Maybe we'll try counseling and get a professionals input.

Dove - posted on 06/09/2016

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Actually... yes, he should still do one on one outings w/ his daughter even if you have blended families. He LIVES full time w/ your two daughters and I'm positive he will have plenty of opportunities for one on one time w/ them.... his first daughter deserves the same respect. One on one time w/ children is important no matter what else is going on.

Perhaps you all can go to family counseling. That's usually a beneficial thing when trying to blend a family.

Nadine - posted on 06/09/2016

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Well, no offense, but you keep talking about what YOU want for YOUR children, not taking into account that she came first, and her feelings are every bit as valid as your kids'. I am a stepmother of 2, and I know it can be hard, but you have to keep in mind that they were his first obligation, and should not have to shift their whole life and hop to because things are changing. As a mom we want what is best for our kids, but we have to allow that everyone concerned has valid feelings. It took years for my stepson and I to get to where we are, and I had to let him go at his pace. Being a baby when his parents split probably made the transition easier, because he was not used to having his dad all the time, but we always made a point of giving him time with his dad on his own.

Rone - posted on 06/09/2016

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He gets her whenever her mom lets him or whenever she wants something she calls. My daughter isn't the first child to call him dad that wasn't his biological father her mother had a son on him and he raised him like his own and that child sees his own father now and still calls my boyfriend dad. He spends time with her alone but after two years he needs to blend the families because as my daughter gets older she's going to start developing her own thoughts and all the children should feel loved and wanted and apart of the same family. When our daughter together gets here he shouldn't still be doing separate outings with her he's going to have to take all the girls. I wasn't happy when my father got a new family but after some conversations with my dad and daddy daughter time I learned to accept the fact that was my dads family as well. I'm just trying to figure out how to explain the issue without sounding harsh.

Rone - posted on 06/09/2016

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Evelyn her mother has had two relationships since the split. I'm speaking from experience because my parents got a divorce and at her age my dad had a new girlfriend so I know the feeling. But after two years the same thing shouldn't still be going on she's only doing it because she knows how he's going to respond. I know she's not doing it at her mothers if she was comfortable enough to call her boyfriend who she has a new child with dad. If there were other problems in our relationship I wouldn't be blaming it on her BLENDING THE FAMILIES is a very big problem. My daughters biological father had 3 children and we never had these problems those kids love me and call me everyday even after his death. There's only so much bonding I can do if she's set on destroy mode. But last night we made pizzas and she enjoyed herself but then starting crying when it was time to go to bed. I just need advice on how to conduct the conversation where to start she his daughter be there etc. I genuinely have her best interest at heart but I'm also raising a daughter with him and expecting another so we have to figure something out

Nadine - posted on 06/09/2016

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How often does she see her father? The reason I am asking is because maybe she is just craving some daddy daughter time. To go from having dad all the time to every other weekend, and having to share with a woman and another kid calling her father daddy must be quite hard on a young girl. Especially if the time with her dad is limited.

Ev - posted on 06/09/2016

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What is not being addressed here is the feelings of the child. She has to live with her parents choices. And no one has answered the questions about dad's time spent with her, the GF getting on the child's level and getting to know her and others that were asked. I am not judging but trying to understand other details. Mom has to be in on this as well in case it is happening at mom's house too but if the girl is calling mom's guy dad....who knows. He must have some sort of relationship with the child.

Mary - posted on 06/09/2016

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Don't think I was coming at you being disrespectful or mean lol I'm not a bully Rone...I shouldn't of jumped to conclusions,sorry

Mary - posted on 06/09/2016

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Actually I do not feel that my comment was passing judgment or harsh....please read all the comments fully Rone. Secondly I answered because I felt bad that being in a community of moms no one reached out and tried to offer sometime of hope.This is a tough situation and no one good or bad will have the answer. Rather they live in the same household for months or years does not matter,because it is their lives.Its just scary because this child is doing this daily and nothing is being done.If they both do not get on the same page,this relationship does not look like it will have a good ending. She can talk to him till she is blue in the face but if he is not on the same page as her than what?? Should she stay?? Go??? She has a child now and on the way she must think about?? That's why I ended my comment saying to follow your heart and do what you think is best for you and your children

Ev - posted on 06/09/2016

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None of us are being judging here. Maybe you guys should have considered this poor child's feelings in this. If you have only been around for 18 months this child does not understand the scope of adult life. She does not know why her parents are not together. But that can not be a reason if her mom has a BF and she calls the BF daddy. How often does dad see his child? Maybe she is acting out to get more of his attention when he has her while you and your 3 year old are around. Does he spend one on one time with her at all or is it always with you and your child? She has a right to feel the way she does. She is 9. As I said understanding why adults are the way they are and do what they do for a child is not going to happen. She needs to know she is loved by both parents. She needs that reassurance as well. What have you done to get on her level to get to know her and so forth? It is not her fault that her parents are not together. She also did not ask for her any of this to happen...she is just there and has to go with whatever the parents decide to do. Maybe dad does feel guilt for whatever reasons where she is concerned. But maybe it is time to sit down and discuss what is the real concern and get it fixed. He may need to sit with mom and talk about how she is when he has her and see if she is the same way at mom's so they can come up with some solution. But to blame a child for a relationship going down hill is not the child's fault. Yes, kids act out when they do not like things but to put the entire thing on their shoulders is not right either. I come from a 14 year divorce with 2 kids who had two step mothers and two sets of step siblings. Once the steps came into the family after the marriage--my kids did not get the one on one time they wanted with dad because he would not do it. They did not act out but came to me with their stories of how it was. All they wanted was time alone with dad every now and again....was that so bad? Maybe that is what this child wants too....

Rone - posted on 06/09/2016

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Considering that the question is about his 9 y.o daughter I find interesting that in a circle of moms the first comments aren't supportive but full of judgement. Because I got pregnant he was suppose to just move in? We're actually looking for a house but we've been together for 18 months friends for 8 years to answer the question. The pregnancy wasn't planned but was I supposed to get an abortion because of his daughter? I thought she just needed time but to be going on 2 years and she's still doing this that as what made me ask for an opinion from a group of moms.

Ev - posted on 06/09/2016

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I would have the same question as Jodi on how long you have been together. Why start a family with this man if his daughter is doing this or has been doing this for a while?

Mary - posted on 06/09/2016

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All you can do is talk to him and tell him how you feel.If he ignores than you must do what is right for your two children.It is not fair you three must suffer!!! Follow your heart and do what you feel is right

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