My children don't get along with their step-dad

Donna - posted on 09/11/2013 ( 11 moms have responded )

7

0

1

My boys, ages 21, 19, and 14, do no like their step-dad - and the feeling is mutual. The 21 year old lives several hours away. He has a job and does not get much time off. He feels like he does not have a home. My 19year old is away at college. When he has a break, he chooses to stay with his biological Dad and his Dad's common law wife. He visits me, but I have to make arrangements for us to go somewhere or ask my husband to leave the house. My 14 year old still lives with us but he complains that my husband is always glaring at him, never talks to him unless he is fussing, and is just plain grouchy. The older boys were not always nice when I was going through the divorce with my ex, but the 14 has never done anything - he's just very different from my husband. So why do I stay? Well, he's a good man. He would do anything for me and helps me pay expenses for the boys. Hubby likes to do the things I like, while the youngest 2 boys don't/won't like to do the things I like. Should I leave after 5 years of marriage? The situation is not getting any better?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jodi - posted on 09/11/2013

3,518

36

3906

I actually don't understand why you would marry someone who doesn't like your kids. What made you think that would change if you decided to marry him? While I understand you need to get on with your life, your children were clearly still in your care and needed a nurturing an loving environment when you met your husband, and by marrying him, you essentially made it clear that it didn't matter to you whether they felt comfortable in their own home. Of course the boys were not nice when you went through the divorce. They were KIDS!!!! Their entire world was being ripped apart. You can't blame them for that.

Ana - posted on 09/14/2013

464

0

76

Well, Be advised****no sugar coating here**** that's just my style*****

I think you need to understand that ALL of your kids don't like this man. There is a REASON for this. I just hope after all the kids leave you don't end up finding out the truth for yourself, if it's in a ugly way.

I think you should talk to all of your boys and ask very specific questions and get them to talk to you. You may be surprised. Even if you stay in your marriage, you still need to know why your children don't like this man!

Maybe your hubby doesn't like your children around, and if he doesn't, that is a problem. But you are never gonna know until you corner your boys and ask them what is UP?

Ask them do they feel safe around him?
Do they think he would ever do anything to harm you?
If you died today, would they ever come around him again?
Do they think he is a pervert?
Do they think he is a liar?
Hiding something?

Be ugly with your questions so that you can get the truth.

I just get this strange feeling that your husband doesn't like kids, and he's putting on a show for you until the 14 year old is out of the house, then he may change.

Start with your kids, listen to them, and then judge for yourself.

As I read this I just get the feeling of the show, Who the "F" did I marry....

I don't say leave a marriage until you are sure that that is your only option. Counseling can bring a lot of things to light as well as friends.

You don't have to take the advice of anyone, but something has got to be done a far as communication with you and your boys about your husband.

Jodi - posted on 09/12/2013

3,518

36

3906

So if your husband didn't dislike them in this way when you married, he needs to grow up. We all have issues sometimes with the choices our children make. We don't treat them this way because of that. Believe me, there are things my step-children have done over the years that I don't approve of, but I don't ever "dislike" them because of it. After all, let's face it, your husband is the adult in the relationship.....isn't he???

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/12/2013

13,207

21

2014

Not projecting anything, Donna.

Your kids don't get along with your husband. You've been married for 5 years. If it's bad enough that your 14 yo is complaining about never being spoken to except to be in trouble...well, that indicates that things aren't good at home.

But then you justify staying by saying "he's a good man". Well, "good men" (and women, for that matter) make an effort to connect with their step kids. My first step mother did, she was awesome. "He would do anything for me". Except attempt to reach out and accept your kids. "he does things that I like, my kids won't/don't". Rarely have I ever found kids to have the same hobbies and interests as their parents...that's not unusual.

So, where is the problem stemming from? Is it that there is no respect between your children and your current spouse? If that's the case, what has your spouse done to prove himself worthy of their respect? Or has he (as my 2nd step mother did) DEMANDED that they automatically respect him because he's the "authority figure"? Does he/has he made any attempts to bridge the gap between them? Because I have to say that when your kid tells you they feel like they are not welcome in their home...they're throwing up signals for you to see and handle.

This situation did not spring up overnight. If it's not getting any better, have you tried family counseling? What have you tried to rectify the situation, and the feeling that your boys have of not being welcome or loved by their step father?

Something is deep seated here, and it either needs to be addressed, or the relationship needs to end. If your husband is not 'happy' with you siding with your kids, then I'd say the issue lies with him and not the kids. Perhaps counseling would help.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/12/2013

13,207

21

2014

Sounds like he did a good job of hiding his dislike for your children, then.

Yes, you deserve a life, but a life where you've clearly chosen your happiness over your children seems a bit selfish to me. but then again, I'm also coming from the step child's point of view. My dad chose women over his kids, and when his 3rd wife took him to task for helping his biological children, or spending time with them, he'd take her side (and still does).

It creates nothing but heartache and family strife. There is a gulf the size of the Grand Canyon between my dad and his biological children, and the only way to span that gap is if he would recognize that his treatment of us is unacceptable, and that when he flaunts his relationship with his step children as if they were his own, it only drives the knife deeper.

Reassess your relationship. Determine (if he truly liked the kids to begin with) when the change happened, and work to reverse it. That, or let your youngest go live with his biological father so that you can be "happy" doing what you want to do with a man who will "do everything" for you. (Everything, that is, except treat your kids with some amount of civility and love)

11 Comments

View replies by

Theresa - posted on 09/15/2013

6

0

0

I'm not here to judge but i will say if ur kids hate him there's a reason... my first marriage i had 2 boys n they got along for 5 yrs tuen it started i had a beautiful daughter n my ex started treating my boys like crap everytime i said something he would change we ended up having a 2nd daughter n when i relized 8 yeslater he was abusing my kids me and the kids left might i say my boys hated him with a passion plz ask questions n finf out why

Mardi - posted on 09/12/2013

156

0

51

Ok, so you have been married for 5yrs, so this man has been in your sons lives since they were at least 16,13, and 9........your hubby has probably done well not to kill any of them......lol

The hormonal rages, puperty, testosterone out of control,

Now throw in a messy divorce, and alcoholic father and I wonder how much of the 'troubles' have been caused by manipulative kids (and I'm a mother, not a step, but even I know kids will try on whatever works),

I'd be talking to the older kids and asking them to get to the gist of the troubles, and find out first if there are troubles, or more staying away to hide the fact its there own behaviours that have caused the problems in their mums relationship.......

Just some food for thought.

We aren't talking minors here, two have left home for college, its not like they need a lot of nurturing, but they may need guidance back

Donna - posted on 09/12/2013

7

0

1

You are projecting your experience to my situation. I have not chosen my own happiness over my children's. it causes lots of problems at home because I always take the kids' side when there is an argument.
I would never encourage my children to live with their biological dad. He is an alcohol and is not a good role model.

Mardi - posted on 09/12/2013

156

0

51

Only you know if you should leave, you would know if this has hope of improving or being a liveable situation. Your kids may not like him, but they may not care either way that you chose him, as they are off living their own lives.

My kids often hate my partner, especailly if he is backing me 100% and they can't win the argument, in the end though, only one is left at home to move out in 2yrs, and do they really care, nope, as long as I'm happy and happy to let them live their lives, they dont mind. They dont want me to lonely etc.

Then there is the ex and his new wife, it didn't take long after the marriage and she has stopped the kids from visiting or having contact with their dad.....somehow thats all my fault, but phewy, I'm just their handy ex wife scapegoat. Again, now the kids are growing up, they still call/visit and ask mums advice regularly, and maybe visit/call dad a couple of times a year......yeh reap what yeh sow.........

I'd be asking your kids what they would do if you didn't like their life partner???? Hopefully you can come to a workable compromise. If your hubby cant change the way he feels, but is happy to dissappear when the family is around and hte family can live with that, theres nothing saying, that wouldn't work.

Donna - posted on 09/12/2013

7

0

1

My husband did not dislike them when we got married. I absolutely do not blame the kids for our craziness during the divorce. Thanks or your comments.

Cindy - posted on 09/11/2013

29

0

6

Take it from someone who is a stepchild and does not get along with her stepfather even after him beimg around almost 10 years. He's even gone as far as to judge my parenting and say my 2 year old is undisciplined when he doesnt even pay attention to my mother or 8 year old daughter.

You cant force a relationship with them. If it hasnt happened yet it proabably never will. Sit your husband down and talk to him. Let him know yojr children come first and your relationship with them is more important to you. He has to respect your children and glaring at them or mistreating them is unacceptable. If he loves you he should make some sort of effort you shouldnt accommodate him over your children.

Im not saying leave you hubs just let him know where you stand and how you would like to adress the situation. If he won't make an effort for you who cares that he pays for stuff for the kids? Your children come first. Maybe thats just the selfish thought of a stepchild who wishes her mother had chosen her ... yes youre entitled to happiness, but at the expense of what? Your children are forever and if they were mean during the divorce no child wants to see their parents apart

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms