My Children's Alcoholic Father

M - posted on 06/18/2013 ( 1 mom has responded )

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It will be three years in August since I choose to leave my Childrens father. I have an older daughter who is now 10 from a previous relationship and two little girls who are my exs children 6-3. Last time my ex saw the children was August 2012. Since we have split up he has been in and out of rehab and spent 90 days in jail for a previous domestic violence charge he had been avoiding from an altercation with his previous ex girlfriend before me. I went to court and filed for full physical and legal custody since in August I got in an argument with his parents regarding them not allowing me their new address in which they had all moved to. I was then told by them he was drinking in front of the children but they didnt feel there was any issue since they were also present. The agreement was if he was drinking me children were not to be around him. I tried to allow the grandparents to still see the children but this was not working. Recently I heard he was finally working again and doing well. I made a huge mistake and reached out to him to let him know I would be ok with a supervised visit with him but he would need to let me know if he was interested.He contacted me back right away but the very next day he fell off the wagon. My middle child asks for him to this day and misses him dearly.She is very aware he suffers from a sickness and has expressed she doesnt like it when he changes(becomes drunk).She loves her father regardless and completely cherishes him on the other hand when he is sober and it breaks my heart to see him just forget about them most of the time. I know what I am doing in the right thing since they dont need to be exposed to him while he is drinking BUT i feel so guilty not allowing him to see his children. I know i need to be strong and let him come to the realization he needs to come to his children when he is ready. But I feel sometimes maybe he will be too afraid or ashamed to try and see them. Any advice out there would be much appreciated.

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Samantha - posted on 06/18/2013

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Wow I love this website. I am going through a similar situation, sort of. My daughter is 8 months and her father is struggling at the deepest levels and as a result is not a part of our lives right now. He came over on father's day after 2 weeks of not seeing her and burst into tears saying how much he needs to be home with his family. The very next day he sends me a text message saying he loves me and our daughter and misses us. Then poof he vanishes. No word since.......I know his intentions are good but like you said he needs to want it. My baby daddy is the KING of self-loathing and would rather do the wrong thing and throw a pity party than fix the damage he has done. At this point I have come to the simple fact that I AM ALL MY DAUGHTER NEEDS. When her father is ready to come home, he will be welcome but he has to do it on his terms. If he comes back or spends time with our daughter out of guilt it's not a real visit anyway.

Tell your children that he loves them but is lost right now and until he can find himself he can't visit. Be positive though the WORST thing you can do is speak ill of your ex. I tell my 8 month old everyday (probably more for me than her) that her daddy loves us very much and that he is staying away until her can show us that love the best way possible.

Good luck....addiction is such a damaging disease not only for the addict but for those that love the addict!

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