my daughter and her step dad clash

Stacy - posted on 03/05/2015 ( 1 mom has responded )

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Omg I'm so caught in between my daughter and my husband bickering and I'm tired. My daughter is a good kid. 15 yo, stays in church, gymnastics, cheers,sings, works cleaning homes and babysits CVall while maintaining A averages. Her real dad stays MIA and very rarely even pays child support for her or her 12 yo brother.
My husband on the other hand is a good man. He is a wonderful provider. Never misses work, makes sure we have all that we need and has a very giving heart. He's also very smart and can work on anything and fix it. But here's where things confuse me...when he gets mad, which is often, everything he's done out of the kindness of his heart is all of a sudden a burden to him. Its like he keeps notes on all that he does and when things don't go his way he shoves it in our faces. Him and my daughter can't speak without an explosion. Right now they're in each of their bedrooms bc one said something the other doesn't agree with. My husband is very childish and says things like, "No matter what, you'll always put her before me." He doesn't understand that I love them all but that is my child and yes, I will always put her needs first but in a different way. The love for a child and a spouse are two different loves but doesn't mean I don't love one any less than the other. But in his mind I am wrong for thinking that way.
He can be such s jerk and say snide, immature comments that set me off. We verbally fight and half the time my kids don't even want to be here and sure as heck wouldn't subject their friends to this environment. Once he has me mad he then says I'm the one that lost my temper and that he's fine. He makes out like I got upset over nothing. I try to talk to him about how what he says affects us but then he turns everything around on us. Says he's not the problematic one that we are. He complains about not having money yet comes home with a 6 or 12 pack of beer every single day. Says its our fault that were broke. I put up with alot of crap. He demands I go to bed when he does or he gets mad. Goes through my phone. Says I don't do anything around the house. Oh it just goes on and on and on really....advice welcome!!!!!

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Melissa - posted on 03/05/2015

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Well honey I'm sorry that this is your world it's a hard path I have step children and my husband also is a step to my oldest child so I completely understand, I also have some child psychology experience to boot so your right up me Alli. Anyways, she is going to hate him for awhile, she's angry and hurt. She wonders why her step dad can stick it out but her real father can't or won't give her the time of day. She can't figure out why she wasn't important enough and knows that your husband will always be there even if she lashed out irrationally. It's horrible to say he's become her out for the anger she feels. He also need to understand that she does it because she can trust and depend on him and although it don't seem like it she is actually giving him a compliment. She can trust and rely on him but for now hated him for it. She'll grow up and it'll change I promise unless he breaks that. She needs a good Strong, MALE role model, how he and her father treat her is the kind of man she'll looks for in a mate and with one strike against her she doesn't need any more. Make them do things together just the two of them, and tell him no matter what she does tell her it's going to be OK I love you. He needs to stay calm and understand she feels she's betraying her real father if she likes him. She needs him to be a strong male figure for her a model so to speak. Otherwise she could have severe commitment issues with men and start looking for a dad figure rather than a mate. He needs to be a man and not play child like games with her. The longer he plays along with her the more damage it's doing. You and your husband add a team need to make a plan together what the guidelines and rules are for everyone in the house and make sure there are clear and concise. They also need to have even clearer and more concise consiqences if the Rogers are broke nit just for the kids but for the adults as well and even if you don't agree on something never show it in front of the kids they'll use that to their advantage and the two of you will fight and the kids are doing what they wanted. It needs to be a team effort. Lastly you need to make sure she knows behavior like this is not OK it leads no were and spend good quality time. Not quantity but quality. She needs to know your there for her. Also have good quality time with your husband so he's not feeling abandoned. Like I said hard road. Make sure since he is the bead winner he knows he's appreciated and respected as the man of the house, and he'll need more understanding almost over die the shooting without being sarcastic. And love both of them is going to be ok

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